Ive always been subjected to comments like "immature" or "mengarut" and after countless instances of this type of verbal abuse, ive grown numb to it... Now this is gonna turn into a platform for bragging, my bragging, but i feel that i have a right to... I mean, how many times have i started jokes that are recycled over and over again, that same joke running rampant throughout the whole school... I feel its a form of plagiarism because of the guys who do it to impress girls *cough*dikirboys*cough* and the girls actually laugh at the quote theft being performed... to these dikir advocates, the dikir boys were the ones who started it, they are the ones who are cool, we are the followers... frankly.. what the heck? These same girls are the ones who deem us immature and "mengarut siak!" and its flattering that they are complimenting us indirectly... Because to those people who know the truth... they'll say stuff like, "wah.. now everybody is saying (insert the started joke here)". Its sick that we dont get the credit, but to be criticised for it is even worse... A friend of mine went to a dikir barat barbecue event once, and all those quotes, jokes and one liners were used over and over again... It was definitely amusing to hear that, because it reveals the hollow shells of boredom they truly are... they would be nothing without, of all things, the very thing they frown at, words that come out of our mouth... I dont mind them using them though, what my grouses are is that we dont get the credit and respect that we deserve.. I dont feel appreciated, the only time i do is when girls call me over, just to, i quote them, "entertain us(them)"... yeah i feel a bit used, but i also feel appreciated, cos they recognise the source of all the revolving humor and lap it up like thirsty camels at an oasis... All i have to say is that... In reality, these guys would, stink of everything that is fake, and we,the "immature delinquents" reek of awesomeness...

Theres a Jurong FC trial this weekend, on the same time Ramlan's team is having a match.. He has invited me to play and i cant let him down... Such is the dilemma im in... But theres no guarantee ill be selected like in the Woodlands wellington trial last year though... I felt so happy then.. An attempt to impress a girl made me realise the true extent of my abilities... hehe... Of course it gave me bragging rights for a few months after that... haha... Maybe its not that important to prove my ability by re-entering the prime league... Who would care anyway? Its always been my dream though to be a footballer... but i guess ill have to give it up... Ramlan's team is good enough and they play better than some prime league clubs... The opposition can also include NFL players or the odd S-league player... I guess its almost like playing in the prime league... minus the training and loud coaches... but think of all the girl groupies ill be missing! hahaha... just kidding... Ill just continue playing for Ramlan's team, or as they call themselves, The United Rangers... Theres a lot that can be learnt playing with them, the last man is ex-S-league material and Ramlan himself is good enough to walk into an S-league of NFL club i guess... Im just honored they find me good enough to call upon me regularly... Maybe me and my best friend are just fated to this... Not realising our full potential? Maybe... but having fun and experiencing the true passion of the game... Yes, truly....

i was kinda in a cheerful mode when suddenly i had an extreme mood swing, i read that it happens to all creative people, because of their many self-esteem problems... I was kinda elated and all, after doing some writing and drawing, then she had to make me think hard... i was all on meeting her and passing her the oh-so-expensive present that she wanted... then she said she didnt want to meet me... yeah i was disappointed, but i tried to feign nonchalance and pretend it was ok... sometimes i think she doesnt love me... i try to make her happy, but most times, she doesnt even express gratitude at what i do for her... Is she taking me for granted? or is she just inadept at displaying her true emotions? I feel like its a one sided thing, i dont feel appreciated, although i did have a talk with her about this... But then again... Nah, maybe shes just tired and all, from running around doing chores? yeah i prefer to think that way... I guess ill just shrug it off, hoping it'll get better someday...

I had a conversation recently... She asked me if soccer is really that important... And i thought about it, yeah maybe its not... But its one of those things that has kept me sane in this unrelenting system of achieving academic success... If you are good at something, you feel special cos its counted as a talent... And talent is what everybody wants... So in that sense, i feel i have something everybody wants, i feel gifted and blessed... And the praises that i get serve to bring me higher above the clouds, where i achieve temporary nirvana... hehe...I guess thats why we keep doing things we are good at and aim to improve at it... I admit that playing soccer, drawing and "photoshopping" has brought that feeling of uniqueness in me and it prevents me from slipping into depression where "nobody loves me" and all that horse crap... hehe... Maybe im not the best in what im good at, but at least im good enough to draw praises from friends, opponents and spectators... And im proud of that, because i have worked hard for it... Of course other people do other stuff to get that same feeling, joining dikir barat? getting into a relationship? i dunno... hehe... And of course, proficiency in these aspects of our lives commands respect from our peers... We are deemed cool enough to move into the upper strata of teenage society.. hehe.. where we hope we'll be popular....

god, is this mushy stuff or what.. haha... such is the mind when in love.... hehe....

Monday was the day society stirred, switching back to the humdrum of work mode.The migraine-inducing ringing of the alarm clock insisted i join the rest of the drowse-filled zombies. I hated the cabins filled with grunting labourers on their way to work, and how it jerked and creaked incessantly as i try to read the morning paper, also not forgetting the annoying generic announcements that nobody listened to.
Of course something always perked me up. The something was a she. She sauntered through the sliding door with the air-con blowing in her hair and face. I almost imagined the angels singing as time slowed down at that exact moment i turned to face her. I suffocated in the presence of her beauty, the music on my earphones changed to the song 12.51 by the strokes, the beats quickened in tempo along with my heartbeat. I struggle, trying to be subtle in movement so as not to attract her attention, the effect she had on me. And so i made a wish, a wish to be granted by the stars who favored me ever so often.
The wish came true, i always believed in the stars. Every minute i cherish, every smell i held dear, every physical embrace i smiled at. Everything about her is so easy to love, can our souls intertwine? Like mine did once before? I want to give her the bliss that she deserves. I pray she doesnt develop resistance to me, like so many have done before, when they saw how close i got to them in that short a time. A blessing turning into a curse. I am grateful i have her now, maybe im blessed, because i feel blessed. I truly love her i feel, a feeling that overwhelms my senses ever so often and makes me leap in delight. Haha. May this feeling and her never go away...

that poem was written for this special girl, jannah... to display my sincerity.... well... hope you like it...

i found lyrical poetry
to alleviate grief and misery
and that in rhyme
i archive time

you make me write about you
about what i'd like to do
im just tracing the chronological tale
it writes itself like wind blowing on a sail

they say my head's not right
and yet you still want to be by my side
and sometimes i wonder what you see
in the hulk of imperfection which is me

in your eyes, i see your insecurities
unable to commit fully to me
and i know how you feel
you arent just my giving in to the seventh sin

you are my paper airplane of hope and delight
and i shall be the wind that keeps it in flight
and in my sacrifices do i not prove
my sincerity? apologies do nothing but soothe
my wounds as you frequently challenge my integrity
and i shall weep in masculine secrecy

jannah, the name summons a smile out of me
and those dreams come in twos and threes
where i fear of losing you
that you would not love me too
can the saviour be for real?
will i ever ever heal?
and now i look to your touch
my new obsession, in its absence i miss so much

i wanna look into your eyes
as i hold you at my side
but i am in every way impaired
that miracle hasnt come yet

i would say i love you
and long for that desired response too
but i dont know what love is yet
maybe ive always been searching for that
how do you know if its love?
and not just yourself forced to think that it is?

but whats most evident and shall not wane
is that this torrent of emotions runs through my veins
and everywhere i turn, the name "jannah" greets me
and it rides the waves of my heart beat
sailing in the wind of my breath
i am glad the two of us met...

its the end of the exams and the school term is coming to a close.. its kinda sad to know that it will bring about separation but the freedom that comes with it is enough consolation i guess.. "in the bright of day it might seem like the stars are gone they never leave,
they come back when the sun moves on"- new found glory, i borrowed this line in one of my poems and i guess its an apt metaphorical description of separation. However, even though theyre there... whats the guarantee that you are gonna see them again? the guarantee that you'll get to talk to them again? ultimately, the guarantee that you'll get to spend time with them, doing anything even close to what you guys did before the point of separation... Time brings individuals together and time too separates... Is it not so that your mates in secondary school promised each other to at least keep in contact once a month? Does the promise still stand? As the years pile on... The month turns to years and then to none at all... Hopefully, you'll bump into them in orchard road, a shopping center etc.. I wonder how im gonna keep in contact with those graduating this year, when they're in NS and im occupied with the 'A' levels going on to NS myself.. Its melancholic and i am hapless, a victim of time like everybody else is...

have you dudes ever thought of y'know... if you are ever gonna mature and all.. like i do... i wonder when would it be when i no longer find laughing at a victim's fictitious prosthetic limb or hiding a friend's hotdog in his rice or even poking some fries in the burger bun of an innocent soul funny and all... I split my sideslaughing at these things now but i wonder how it'll be in 5-10 years time? will i stay the same or will i succumb to the call of the "abang-abang", the personification of killjoy. Well like they say.. cross the bridge only when you come to it... Right now.. i dont plan to change even under the constant scrutiny of "mature" individuals... its simple not worth it...
"The purpose of life is to fight maturity."
-Dick Werthimer
like is this guy bogus or what? totally.....

well the thing about the alias i hide behind.. gobinut khan... theres a long story behind it.. and.. im too lazy to type out the story.. sorry dudes.. maybe later... well the thing about aliases or alter egos... a few of my friends have them too although they dont realise it... i guess alter egos are a way we can just live it all out and not worry about the repercussions... whoa.. am i deep or what... well no matter what your alter ego is, (major skidmarks, donnie brasco, captain korban) just to name a few... i just wanna say how its great that youre relieving stress the way i do... the crazy and fun way... like say it with me.. TOTALLY!!!

k here goes... im like here in the hall... and im sitting beside the legend that is afiq(and iqbal*who was absent, sorry) and we were like watching these bunch of crazy australians perform. They were using traditional instruments to make their folk music thing and the fella starts to take out this long blowhorn he calls the "deegeree-do" and just as he was about to blow it... afiq goes.. "RIIICOOOOLLLLAAAA!!!....." hahahahahah! is he funny or wat? well of course i mean that in a sarcastic way but like dude! thats a keeper! I guess he thought the horn was the one the swiss or swedish mountain people use to communicate on their snow-capped mountains. I think ive seen a commercial on that, i guess afiq got the idea of a joke from there.. haha.. like far out man... well u could say im mean for laughing at him.. but thats my middle name! hah! well i think im a big bully sometimes and ive made some people cry... awww... arent i mean? like totally!!!

like this is the start of the blog.. like totally awesome.. i guess its the start of a chapter of this serious book called life and im adding my brand of humor to it.. like totally... hehe... im crazy.. and loving it...(mcdonalds, copyrighted)