a random piece.. trying to sum up how a relationship can perform a "pirouette" into something ugly with one fucking line.. "sometimes those eyes forget to be so beautiful"


(thanks fauzi from camp for scanning it in for me)

This post is dedicated to my best ever marmalade-smothered-marshmallow-sweetie platonic friend, Zainal...

Right now.. our relationship is blossoming ever so sweetly with me keeping his hopes up constantly by periodically demanding treats and gifts.. To eternally attach him to me in hopeless yearning.. I tell him... "zainal.. if the both of us are still single at the age of 30.. lets marry each other" to which he agrees... Even though im making use of him, playing around with his feelings and going out with other guys.. i think its ok because he is my best friend.. I can talk about anything with Zainal!

If i could use a parallel in pop culture to make you guys better understand our relationship.. he would be MY HORNY PIKACHU... mmm...




i still remember the first days in school ... when we first met each other... and how shy zainal was... everytime i was around.. he would quickly turn his back on me and pretend to be incognizant of my presence.. only responding when i called out to him in my sweetest voice...



that was how i knew about his crush on me.. teehee...

Zainal tried many ways to win me over..
Once.. he tried to flash his bling bling and what not to me.. Thinking that i was some sort of materialistic bitch..



but no.. i just wanted his soul.. oops i mean his guaranteed company..

sometimes .. zainal writes emo-gothic poems on his blog about how he feels trapped and depressed with regards to this relationship...



to which i bitch-slap him back to his pathetic reality,which was serving me as an emotional absorbent pillow.. i mean! like hello! youre friends with me! a hot girl! lots of guys would kill to be in your place! so... i ranted and raved about how guys needed to get a period in order to understand what girls go through! bleaurgh!

after a few years of giving him blue balls... he tried to pull a trick on me!
oh my! he dressed up as a girl and tried to peep at me in the girls locker room!!!



i caught him waxing the dolphin and volleyed him in the face with my forehead..
but i forgave him so i could continue leeching on his soul...

so now.. our relationship is going pretty well... he is serving his National service.. always pining for me... while i have fun with other guys which he totally understands and approves of.. what a buddy! With about 80% of his paltry monthly salary.. he takes me out on "platonic dates" and dreams about us being married someday but he keeps it bottled up inside because he is "afraid of ruining a great friendship!"

I miss you Zainal!!! **HUGZZZ***

The other day, I was walking around in this CD shop around town, called the Gramophone, just killing time and browsing along in the midst of taking a break from extensive touring AND filming simultaneously (its hard imagining yourself being a rockstar and an avant-garde actor as well, though thats besides the point) when I noticed a familiar face at the corner of the easy-listening area, crouched at a spot and headbanging under Europe's "The Final Countdown" album banner ( a classic masterpiece if ever there was one). He was poised, had a look of determination and semi-ecstasy written all over his cute face, and gradually, images of that familiar sight came flooding back to me like the currents of a stream in the dawn of a storm the night before... He stood up, turned round, and instantly.. i recognized him..





EZWAN!!! SO CUTE!!!!


YES! It was my long lost childhood mate, whom I hadn't seen in ages ever since I graduated from Al-Iman Kindergarten, though I was a tad jealous that he was still as cute and adorable as before, still the cuddly Elmo that we adore, but though his features didn't differ much, something told me that he was a changed person..


That... that image on his chest proved to be the giveaway.
Ezwan no longer listens to the "Elmo Song", he now rips bloodcurdling solos on his Fender and screams out "Stil loving you's" at the top of his lungs while wearing a jockstrap which saddles his balls so that they won't fall off from all the rocking going on..

I looked down, closed my eyes, and a silent tear rolled from my cheeks , as I remembered those fun days we had as kids..

You see, we were pretty lively kids, and we spent our times together almost everyday, the whole gang of us, terrorizing the other kids in our school cause we kicked so much ass that even our teachers had to pacify us by giving more servings of those deliciosly creamy "Dumex" powdered milk in recognition of our coolness.

And we didn't need to wear uniforms. We walked around in our favourite suits of the most dapper character we could imagine, such as Spiderman, the Ninja Turtles (Khai Azmas booked liao), Superman, the Avengers , nabeh cheebye Ah Meng (Zabid), and well, you get the idea, and Ezwan used to wear that cute Sesame Street uniform on weekdays..but on weekends, when we go to parties, he would take on a whole new persona altogether, one which made me drool just thinking of it, he was so greeny that you wanted him along with your peas, and not that soggy thing called a spinach.. He was..











A TELLYTUBBY! HOW ADORABLE CAN THAT BE? (Excuse the person on the left, that's just Imran on patrol duty.)


I wanted to do a fellatio act on my brain by imagining even more childhood fantasies, but those dreams were suddenly jolted by the perpetual whistlings by Ezwan, doing the whistle solo bit of the Scorpions' "Winds of Change". And so, me being brought back to the harsh realization of the truth, had a nervous chat with him, as I asked about the other guys of our childhood Mafia, on how they were doing, all grown up now..


Ezwan informed me, albeit in between "White Lion" falsettos, that four of the childhood friends had gone together to form a post-grunge white trash metal psychedelic emo-punkish part-goth outfit called "Cardinal Sins of The Most Unholy Kind As A Result Of Not Licking Ahmad Farid's Cute Excuse of An Ass" and promply whipped out a group photo of the band at the zenith of their ascension up the music scene.. I took a look at it, and began to sob uncontrollably..








"Cardinal Sins of The Most Unholy Kind As A Result Of Not Licking Ahmad Farid's Cute Excuse of An Ass"



From left:

Yazid aka "Intestine Baalism" (electric guitar, sitar & er hu),

Zainal "Necromantia" (screeching vocals dripping with emo like Force Vomit, xylophone & Spanish guitar),

Ridzal "Impaled Nazarene" (bongos & maracas)

& Ezwan "Luciferion" (piccolo , harp & acoustic guitar) (don't ask me why he's grabbing his crotch)


I cried not because they had somehow turned into crazy rockers who ferment from below to evolve into creatures of significance, which mutate into ecosystems complete with growth and death and doubt, forming eventually a meaning in terms of motion and strength that could be interpreted as will, appearing rarely in pure form until a conclusion is distilled in each chapter of this morbid and deranged output of thunderous metal ; but because I wasn't a part of this amazing mesh of incredible tapestry, and that I chose to live a 9 to 5 life, and to remain a slave in the relentless machinery of blindly serving the system, and not given a choice to think for self.

On the other hand, the
"Cardinal Sins of The Most Unholy Kind As A Result Of Not Licking Ahmad Farid's Cute Excuse of An Ass" were already going places, playing in full capacity arenas and festivals in Scandinavia, and touring extensively in Argentina to gain exposure for their latest album, entitled "Resurrection".



They even had the liberty to release a country off-shoot album while having a break in Tennessee, though that didn't go down too well with the locals

(Ridzal doing a trance-like Soya Bean Dance with a similarly clad Zainal in his undies in the background whilst Yazid plays guitar with his pants down & cowboy hat a la Bono)


Ezwan told me of the countless times when they got wasted after gigs after drinking too many Pocari Sweats mixed with Ben & Jerry "Durian Delights" ice-cream, often throwing up on stage to the delight of the fans who lapped it all up. He described to me of the carnival atmosphere of such fests, where fans dressed up in their best gear and partied till they ran out of cash and decided to go back to their mundane part-time jobs to obtain the cash to party again, or till they died from asphyxiation, whichever one came first. One basic dress-code adhered by those revellers was to don a party hat, it didn't matter if is of the wizard kind, or the medieval sort










A particularly popular one, in times of year end festivities, was of course a Santa hat, worn with such determination & confidence, and of course all worn in the manner of fun ..

BUT... Ezwan's voice began to trail off and wail uncomprehendable Gregorian Chants when I asked him about the band's future plans...

He revealed to me that ever since they got back to the country, fresh from their success of the assault of their quirky music, the different band members somewhat began to drift further away from each other, as they got disillisioned of selling out their music to the popular crowd, and be named in the same breath as Three Doors Down, Garth Brooks and *gasp* Ashlee Simpson.. Not wanting to be hapless victims of MTV sub-culture propaganda, each different member began to take his own direction... And that led to Ezwan crying out loud his version of Rick Price's "Heaven Knows" on his acoustic guitar, and buying Scorpions 30th Anniversary DVDs in music stores like Gramophone..

(to be continued..)

hahahahahaha

in addition to zainal joining to post on this blog, azmi will also be included after he finishes his jogging session at bukit timah hill... a new guy was also invited to post.. his name is muhajir and his job here on the blog is primarily as a cashier... i dont know why we need one.. but yeah..

a short introduction for him then...

muhajir feeds on plankton and keeps a red pouch on his abdomen to attract mates(puffed up for full effect).. i kept him in a fish bowl once, but he escaped by inciting a neon tetra revolution in the neighboring tank.. however orwellian, he installed himself as marine dictator and keeps a harem of snapping turtles now.. you horny piece of casserol you!

that was actually just my friendster testimonial for him... but it did the job didnt it? motherfuckers...

I was window shopping along Bugis Junction when i first met Ridzal and Azmi. Ridzal was trying on a pair of shades which accentuated his boyishly Bara/E.C kind of look and was asking Azmi for his opinion. Me,having like totally good taste,interjected and told Ridzal that he looked really good,kinda like that actor guy Mokhtar who played the lecturer in Bara and a few Suria telemovies. We then started talking about the things that really matter in life like where to get foundation for men,applying eyeliner around the nipples to avoid breast cancer(sure beats a mammogram) and how metrosexual we were in this time of grizzly bears breakdancingin the streets of Orchard Road. Ridzal told me he kept a blog (like all metrosexuals should.Like duh,girlfriend) where he articulated his innermost feelings. He then proceeded to invite me collaborate on his blog and i gladly accepted even though i'm aware that the sexual tension between us will one day erupt and destroy this beautiful platonic friendship we hold in high regard and will later be adapted into a romantic comedy starring Rob Schneider and Thomas The Toy Train Engine called Hand in Hand,Metrosexuals Can..(Fall In Love With Each Other).

I've always believed that,next to being a German porn star, music journalism's the most kick-ass job in the world and this blog will hopefully allow me to hone my chops for my future column in the most prestigious entertainment magazine in Asia; Lime Magazine.


Therefore before the whole hullabaloo over Singapore Idol dies down,i thought it would be appropriate for me to do a feature on Taufik Batisah,the first ever Singapore Idol.As i couldnt get Taufik Batisah for an interview with TotallyAwesomeDude,i decided that the next best thing was to get the perspective from the angsty urban streets of Singapore and i have decided to interview two intriguing characters that plays a big part in Taufik Batisah's success. One hates,the other one adores. What do we get when we put them in the same room?

He hates Taufik Batisah vehemently with the venom of cobra seasoned in the treacherous Amazon.Cold,calculating and crispy like KFC's fried chicken is how i would describe him when i first met him.He's working at Bukit Panjang NPC as an NS policeman and he wears his badge with the same pride that lesbians take in their pink triangle.

He refuses to give me his name and wants to be called "Mr.Kita activate budak-budak ah".

The other worships Taufik Batisah like he's the Laughing Buddha at Haw Par Villa which used to have this chinese restaurant which served really good suckling pig.The kind where there's an apple in the mouth of the pig and the skin is cooked to golden brown perfection and when you take a bite,the meat slowly melts in your mouth.

She wants to be known simply as "Chinese girl who like Taufik Batisah and voted for him so therefore this shows that racism don't exist anymore" but i think we could just call her Miss Not-Racist.

This was how the interview went.

Me: I saw this totally gorgeous top at Topman that looked fabulous on me and i bought a matching polka dotted lacy g-string to match with it until i realized that i already have one so i wanted to wrap it up so i could give it to ridzal on his birthday but azmi gave him a similar one last year........

Mr.Kita activate budak-budak ah:(cuts off my chatter) I came down here to give you my take on that wussy sonofabitch Taufik Batisah and his media-whoring crying in front of camera fake persona. Not to hear you talking about panties.

Miss Not-Racist: Thats why.

Me: Okay okay. what's wrong with a little digression to ease the tension.pfffftt...So ummm,Mister Policeman,when and why did you first hate Taufik Batisah and is it personal?

Mr Kita activate budak-budak ah: I knew a friend who was working at the same police station as another guy who knew Taufik at the Police Academy.He told me ah that ah Taufik was very how to say..like action ah after he won Singapore Idol and that he didnt want to talk to his police mates about how fun it was to nab underage smokers and then treat them like Charles Manson anymore.I belive that Taufik has become too big for his britches and that we as Malays and Muslims have a duty to boycott his album as my friend told me that his friend used to follow Taufik go clubbing at Wu-bar.

Me: But how can you verify that your source is telling the truth?

Mr Kita activate budak-budak ah: Oh..My friend told me that day at the mosque about his friend swearing on the Qur'an about Taufik Batisah going clubbing. And you just don't fuck with that,man.We're talking divine intervention shit right here.

Me:Oh.That's interesting.you have God on your side.Lets ask Miss Not Racist about her take on this. How do you feel about these Malay NS policemen trying to smear the name of the first Singapore Idol?

Miss Not Racist: Haiz. they all don't understand that last time Taufik wear Bata shoes only.

Me: So what is it about Taufik that prompted you to establish a pseudo-religious lesbian underage sex cult in his name?

Miss Not Racist: Because ah that time i went to watch him perform at Plaza Singapura..that time singapore idol quarter finals that time..and ah when he sing his eyes very nice.

Mr.Kita activate budak-budak: But he use his eyes to look at girls last time at Wu-Bar. you think we Malays no "adat" ah?!

Miss Not Racist: Dont talk about malay chinese ah. We vote for taufik that means we not racist what.

Mr.Kita activate budak-budak:We Malays very united one ah.If one person you chinese try to hurt,we all confirm come down one.

Miss Not Racist: Aiyah.I dont want to fight with you lah. All i know ah that Taufik is very cool one and his songs very nice even though the radio plays them excessively leaving me with no choice but to tolerate them lor.

Me: Before this interview gets out of hand,i would like to end it by signing off for now.Thank you both for your time.And i would like Taufik Batisahto know that despite the controversy,Zainal Abidin will always admire you for your bravery in facing totally baseless accusations made by envious strangers and having fans with totally bad taste in music.

I salute you.

After deliberating whether to post an explanation about my humor or not... i got lazy and decided to post a photo of me and my boo making silly faces at the camera instead..


"me and my boo making silly faces!"

yes, i grew so lazy that i morphed into a hot young pubescent girl then seduced Azmi to take cute and "silly" photos with me.. thats him in the mesh cap hugging my nubile little torso!

all this being soundtracked by zainal playing "tears in heaven" in the background with his guitar...

-Zainal playing tears in heaven-

"zainal shows us guitars and shirtless guys make the best visual stimulant"

Hey hey kids! Today’s update is all gonna be about army survival! Yes! Where would we be without those guys in tight military fatigues ey?


Tally ho to that salute sir!

As a servant oops I mean NS man serving in the army.. I get paid monthly with insults, condescendence and the occasional fuzzy wedgie! And if you ask me.. that’s all the motivation I need to go ahead with my daily duties…

Ive always been a quick learner and by sharing my experiences accompanied by carefully thought through opinions and butt slapping reflections.. I consider it a public service to all you clueless motherfucker who happen to stumble upon my blog..

After going through my update… you guys will be turned from this…


To this!



Although im not too sure if these shirtless guys are from the military at all…

No matter!..

Oh and if you guys are really unlucky or like to hide pork sirloins under your shirt, you could morph into a grubby medium breasted wrinkly old man.. Don’t say I didn’t warn you now!


The story

As a clerk here in the office, my job is to grab hold of online news articles and send them to the cheery fellas over here! Cheerios! Initially.. I was influenced(by default) by my brain to at least filter out irrelevant articles.. BIG MISTAKE…

#Rule no.1… do not allow your brain to take hold of you! Like the devil.. it tries to corrupt your judgement and impede you from doing your patriotic duty! Roger that sir!

To remedy this.. I promptly drilled a hole at the top of my skull and poured concentrated hydrochloric acid into the said cavity…

From then on, i was like the nerd who kept blindly shooting the hostages in a Virtua Cop Arcade Game(which is so 1991 by the way! you go gurl!), anything that moves, blast it to pieces.. im just following orders sir! no time to evaluate and rationalise! affirmative sir!!!

Now im the apple of the officers’ eyes and with my constant ball sucking and cleavage baring antics.. I was on my way to the top of nowhere.. yippee maam sir yes sir!

But then my fall from grace happened.. I screwed up…

I got a 3 day break which led me to weekend duty.. and there, in the morning.. im supposed to relieve the previous day’s clerk and the routine handing over act was carried out… Unfortunately he briefed me about everything except one small detail.. We were supposed to update the officer-in-charge with news articles of the day.. And I was totally unaware that we were now supposed to post our update in MS Word instead of the initial and usual MS Excel.. I got totally fucked up later that night… I was called “bloody stupid” cos I “didn’t ask”…

#Rule no. 2.. You must possess at least the most basic psychic abilities.. Preferably mind-reading, if not.. then.. perhaps premonitions or minor-scale prophesizing..

I totally agreed with the officer.. I really do.. sir yes sir! It was “bloody stupid” of me to not be psychic! I totally realized my mistake that I was supposed to know what my colleague forgot to tell me! My oh my! Silly me!

Realising my mistake, I quickly took a telephone and used it as a colonoscope… And through what makes no sense at all… I inherited psychic abilities…

My.. now im on my way! Roger that sir! So guys.. if you guys would just heed my advice and follow in my footsteps.. you guys can be like me too! So.. until then.. see ya later boy scouts!

Eh.. Wah lau..Testimonial leh..

In recent months.. apart from my unsupported campaign to use random shaped slabs of meat as hats, people have placed greater priority on friendster over their real social lives and they have as much fun as they can writing pretentious testimonials for each other..

On a totally unrelated note.. i came up with this great idea for a new trend..this time.. instead of meat.. how about pastries or assorted types of food items as hats?
Totally believing in my delightful little ingenuity which would would no doubt be on its way to commercial success, i convinced a local model to display some fine-pimping kick ass head gear ..



After horribly side tracking to the issue of pastry-hats.. the purpose of this post is actually to find help.. yes..because.. i have a disability..other than being a motherfucker, i cant write a proper testimonial! GASP!

the most recent one i just wrote seemed so right to me... but i was told later that it was rather unacceptable because testimonials are supposed to be pretentious and mind-numbing in nature... Wah Lau!
this girl i barely know.. (we went to the same secondary school) i was supposed to write a testimonial for her... and as soon as i started typing.. i couldnt stop and by the end of it.. my fingers had automatically clicked the "add testimonial" button which left me fuming..
because according to the doctor who did the xenotransplant on me, the mutant mandrill arms they found lying around grafted on to me(after a horrible industrial meat slicer accident while making meat hats) would sometimes get up to their own silly antics..

i wrote:-

"back when i was making diaper stains and trying to spell the word "scrotum" to be used in creative writing pieces... dila was already appointed to be in charge of the army's PR campaigns.. she churned out posters with thought evoking one- liners and went to gym all the time.. i remember her years as a teenager being spent doing bicep curls and squat variations.. she would take the occasional break to guzzle down GNC supplements and some mass- gainer whey... lets take a neoprint together soon k?"

my testimonial paled in comparison to the purposeful intent of another one in her list!

"HeY..............KaU tAuApE!!!?.........................KaLo KaUtAk TaU...................AkU pOn TaKtAu!!!.................MuAhAhAhAhA!!!.................IsH,aCtuAlLy KaN, aKu BoRiNg......TaKdEkEjE.........sO aNtAr TeStI kArOt2....HuHuhU"

by
"SaRdAuKaR LocalDatewithTimezone("2004/11/22 10:31:27") Tuesday, November 23, 2004"

check it out here..

seriously.. TOTALLY WAH PIANG EH!!!

*more updates on my other offensive testimonials next time ok?*
-enigmatic butterfly bared her soul at 12.04 pm ,Jan 23 2005-

Recently, i had a serious diaper rash which may have been brought by my trying to house a hamster in my jock strap.. I mistook this as a symptom of lycantrophy and went ahead to visit the friendly neighborhood vet! Soon after, he was probing my testicles with his gloved fingers, growling erotically while my mom and dad looked on with concern..


i brushed this off as normal medical procedure and waited for him to come back from "taking care of matters that came up" he said..

He took a horribly long time to come back.. so i took the liberty of looking up his national-geographic-medical files on his other subjects/patients complete with helpful descriptions that expand our general knowledge.. this is what i found..



Description
Head and body length: 32 inches. Tail: 3 inches. Weight: 25-45 pounds, male larger.
Coat is olive brown above, pale underneath. Adult males have bluish naked rump, a bright blue and red muzzle, and yellow coloring on “beard” (coloring in females and juveniles is duller). Prominent bony ridges present on each side of the nose.
Range
West central Africa, southern Cameroon, equatorial New Guinea, Gabon and Congo.
Status
Habitat conversion for farming is the primary threat to habitats that support this species.
Habitat
Forest floor during the day; sleeps in trees at night.
Niche
Eats mostly fruit, seeds, fungi, roots, insects and small vertebrates; will also eat grass. Diurnal and terrestrial. Group size includes an alpha male, several females and juveniles. Excess males live alone or forage with the group. During dry season, several groups come together to form troops of up to 200. Home range is very large for this species: 9,000-12,000 acres.

source: http://www.lpzoo.com/tour/factsheets/mammals/mandrill.html




Fun Facts
1. He is capable of drinking 100 L (30 gal.) of water in just 10 minutes.
2. He stores fat in the hump, not water! In fact, he is born without a hump because the layer of fat does not develop until he eats solid food.
3. Unlike most mammals, his body temperature fluctuates throughout the day from 34oC to 41.7oC (93oF-107oF.) This fluctuation is important because it allows him to conserve water by not sweating as the environmental temperature rises.
4. He is no longer considered a wild animal. In Africa and Arabia it is a semi-domesticated animal that free ranges but is under the control of herders.

source:http://www.seaworld.org/AnimalBytes/dromedary_camelab.html




They are small, virtually tailless and velvet-furred with enormous cheek pouches, also, they are capable of using gangster signs to identify between themselves. They originated in the Middle East and southeastern Europe. The most common and popular, both as pets and laboratory animals, is this one. Color and hair-type varieties include cinnamon, cream, white, and "teddy bear" (the long-haired variety). Most of them are sold as pets or used in research are the descendants of 3 littermates domesticated in 1930.

The cheek pouches are a relatively unique anatomic feature . They are actually a cavernous outpouching of the oral (mouth) cavity on both sides, extending alongside the head and neck to the shoulders. These pouches are used to store food and allow them to transport food from where it is gathered to their den or nest The food is then eaten later, at their leisure. Owners not familiar with these cheek pouches often panic when seeing them fully distended for the first time, thinking they represent tumors or abscesses.

Potential life span: 2-3 years
Adult body weight: 100-150 grams (Adult females are slightly larger than adult males)
Desirable environmental temperature range: 65-75 F
Desirable relative humidity range: 30-70%
Ages for first breeding: male: 10-14 weeks; female reproduction: 6-10 weeks
Length of estrous (heat) cycle: 94 hours
Gestation (pregnancy) period: 15 1/2-16 days
Average litter size: 5-10 young
Age at weaning: 3 weeks

source: http://www.animalhospitals-usa.com/small_pets/hamsters.html

man, im so gonna be sniped in the balls for this! damn!
im such a mother fucker.. here, i forgot to provide the link to "sg_mly_handsomest" just cos i think you guys need it.. http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=11840286

Commanding Respect, Respecting Command...

i just got enlisted and with no real training at all, got posted to situation control at the UN relief coordination centre.. Suddenly, i was thrusted in with all the colonels, majors and warrant officers.. Sounds important? haha... im just a duty clerk...

and being around these big shots who make all the decisions in the army.. i overheard what seemed like the guy in charge of all those army posters you see around giving orders to his subordinates.. The exact quoted order was "Aiyah! just take any picture then put put words lah! so easy.." The creative behind- the- scenes force for posters which you would need to hurriedly bludgeon yourself with a SAR21 rifle butt to neutralise the necrosis they may induce..

Hey wait... i just assumed he was the director of that poster- churning campaign since his words just explains it all.. haha.. im using my magical red shoes while clutching on to my prized scrotum(kinda like a seat belt for imagination travel) to take me to places i wanna go again! silly me! weeeee!!!




for no reason at all.. a fat guy with a stern stare.. (to brighten up yer day eh fellows? always worked for me...)

-and remember, whenever you fall in the mud face first... the mud on your face is soil... our soil...

Designer Diary 1

I felt that it is quite appropriate to showcase some of my art pieces which follow the ideal template of what ive been taught in school as part of the A level art curriculum..

I feel so artistic , creative and inspired when i did these pieces... and so i wish that you viewers would feel the same way i do! weeee... take me to those proverbial meadows my magical red shoes! and you must come too!


let my magical red shoes take me wherever my imagination wants to go! weeee!


First, i had to tackle the theme of "Friendship".. After a bit of pondering about how to go about presenting it... i realised that it would be very difficult because the slightest error could sway the viewer into interpreting it as the theme of "misshapen scrotums that i, the viewer would most like to fondle" Such was my situation.. but with careful research i managed to pull it off, much to the delight of my art teacher and mentor... The characters in the art piece were modelled after my two bestest friends.. Azmi and Yazid kerinting, with the same hairstyle and fashion sense.. Be prepared to get blown away...



"FRIENDSHIP"

The next theme thrown at me was equally hard, just when i thought that i had the worst behind me.. It was "Rejection".. I recalled the last time that feeling overwhelmed me.. yes.. it was when i was not selected for combined schools dikir barat first eleven.. tears welled up but acting swiftly, i channelled those emotions into creating my next piece...


"REJECTION"

Riding on the momentum of my two previous masterpieces, i undertook the task of presenting the perennial teenage cry for attention, identity, misshapen scrotums and how "life is so unfair!".. Yes.. it was "Angst"...


"ANGST"

Finally.. to top it all off... i give you my latest piece...


<"MAT SACHOK THAT I MET AT CHIJMES WHILE CLUBBING NAMED ZAINAL(ZAICHOK)"

experimentation of photoshop effects just for the sake of looking nice.. my protest to the formulaic, serious, "thematic concerns and interpretation" in a recommended embarrassingly- literal-kind-of-way of A level art..

*right-click the link(s) and open it in a new window so it wont interfere with your reading you dumb motherfuckers.. blearrgghh*rolls eyes*

Going home today, i got stuck in the same MRT carriage with a teenage girl squad
it reminded me of the time i myself was a tweenage girl, my life revolving around neoprint machines, fussing over the latest babydoll- dress designs and Jackie Cheung. Also, what was most significant in my tweenage years was puberty, tackling it, getting caught by mom when i was stroking myself while listening to evanescence(watch the whole scene Here .. dont worry its not porn) . It was so embarassing, you go girl! That was also the time when i got to know boys! but after highly productive discussions with my dear diary, i discovered they need help in understanding us girls! Hence, i have, for the good of women everywhere, written a manual for guys starting with deciphering the code of womens' dialogue patterns.

WORDS WOMEN USE
*****************************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument
when they are right and you need to shut up. (talk to the hand! you go girl!)

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five
minutes is only five minutes if you have just been
given 5
more minutes to watch the game before helping
around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means
"something," and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in
"Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh"
means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why
she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that
a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means
that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or
faint. Just say you're welcome.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about
future arguments they can avoid if they remember
the terminology!

its so easy... but guys are such monkeys! blearrgghh.. like talk to the hand! *rolls eyes*


*i got the dumb list from an email..

most blogs you read out there hold mostly anemic and vapid writing as its content. Yet, most blog-owners are proud of them like how my petulant grandpa is of his "top three varicose veins that most look like moses lim". Most entries detail the most mundane daily activities

"today i went to orchard with baby, so we walked to heeren then we walked to to taka and then we went home.. when i reached home, i sms baby and i was so tired!

*butterfly enigma bared her soul at 08:31 PM*"

while others use it to just bitch about

"dewi ingat dia lawa sangat, nak step lawa! tak guna punya pompuan! rampas matair orang lain! pelacur!

*roxygal made her confession at 05:14 PM*"

I wondered what made them write this way.. were they half asleep when in the process of updating their blogs?



or were they simultaneously watching balding-middle-aged-men(mat botak patchy patchy) porn that they werent that focussed on what they were writing cos they preferred to watch the porn instead?hmmm...



After some blog-hopping and adjusting the sock wrapped around my testicles, i realised that blogs were the next best thing to mind reading! Yes, and with the proliferation of blogs, more and more people were getting their minds exposed for all to see. Sensing a conspiracy, i pointed the finger accusingly at those nyonya assasins i had seen riding around in their dirtbikes wielding katanas in dominatrix-themed leather even though they werent related to this topic in any way. Were they weeding out future ninjas? Were they scouting for new nyonya recruits? Every nyonya assasin i tried to approach has intimidated me with their murderous stares..




Such tigerish appearances scared even me, a ninja, a premature evolution of humankind into homo superior.. what more normal homo sapien law enforcement officers i thought.. It would do no good if i reported this..



(done in the style of those dropped diaries/journals in games like resident evil)

gauge yourself on the morality spectrum
to phase into that retrospective mood
gathering "that fixity of thoughtfulness present in a child who has felt the pricks of life before his time"*
you will be alright.. my beautiful...
to hold myself guilty for your plight
and to write.. to engage myself in contemplation..
those words, they bleed.. in a crimson cry for absolution..


*i got that quote from Jude the Obscure

recently, Juramang in all eagerness, forwarded a friendster profile which was named 'anti MnMs'.. curious, i read through it and the plethora of bullshit testimonials(a feature of friendster) that was written, "in support" of this movement, to attack mats and minahs, even 'to be EXTERMINATED ' as a clearly enraged 'Syafiq' explicitly proposed. Impressed by the way they thought up their testimonials, the channeling of pure hate towards constructing "rhymes" with vacuous articulation of their angst. One particular chap going by the name of 'punkrocker' displayed aggressive resistance in allowing the 'MnMs' into their hoi polloi. Acting with the zeal that was present in an "overseer of everything cool" (and bagedel), he preached about the infiltration of these MnMs into the sacred dojo of manufactured cool as seen on MTV. According to him, they

'Steal our mohawks,
steal our studbelts,
They got no originality,
Trying to steal our style.

Now they go jamming,
I dont know wat they play.
They cant be playing techno,
cause that music is for gays.'

i was struck down by the impact of his "illest rhymes" because if destructive rancor was his left hand and calm, 'modernist'- influenced lyrical composition his right.. he was ambidextrous in delivery. I had no choice but to be swayed by his powerful words which reasonate deep within my soul like how you would feel stroking yourself while listening to Evanescence..

He had succeeded in making me his follower, with his tousled, shoulder length hair, somewhat Bohemian goatee and the electric guitar he lugged around while listening to Linkin Park's 'Papercut' on his mp3 player, he represented, to me.. the transcendence into maturity that will aid us in our "progressive society".

I learnt the art of acting cool and looking emo through him, until i realised that these people were all the same.. especially with the people they criticise..


I practised my 'muka emo' religiously


If the myriad of concepts or trends such as 'abang abang mod' and all this tappered crap were religions that people eagerly subscribe to, they would all be denominations of one particular faith = bullshit. The same kind of bullshit that u see when tae-kwon-do classes invade street soccer courts which are the only places kids can go to now they have installed nails at the void decks of flats to discourage soccer and ultimately ..FUN...


TOTALLY WAH PIANG EH!!!!

http://friendster.com/testimonials.php?uid=7957002 <--check it out here

With patriotic pride and pathfinding genius, I have come up with an idea that will take the world by storm.. Inspired by Zainal's lifelong obsession of trying to play grab-ass with David Yeng, the idea of butt apartments was born..
The idea is simple, create a butt(cheek) to act as living quarters for a single person, perfect for the bachelor/ hitchhiker/ student who lives far away from school(Khairul Azmas)
Using technology from the pokemon series where huge monsters can fit inside small fist-sized pokeballs, you can now fit inside a single butt-cheek! Its exciting because it has the potential to solve Singapore's land problems and provide "butt landlords" with additional income, contributing to the nation's economy(if enough butt landlords are allowed to lease out their butt apartments).


The Anatomy of a Butt Apartment


Butt tenants like my friend Khai would be elated in his acquisition of the first few butt apartments because it is a landmark in human history. Khai has chosen a butt landlord ( from a catalogue detailing apartment characteristics such as girth and water retention) who lives in Bukit Batok because his school is nearby.. Now Khai eliminates the time needed to travel tiring distances (from Bt Batok to Pasir Ris) in his daily routine, hours more to devote to his usual fun gym - going activities..

"I Swear by MY butt apartment... "

isnt this neoprint we took cute? hengggcute eh! best friends forever! take neo print together!!!

"diorang tak ingat tau hari akhirat
(eh kata members, sama sama ah menum todi dok)
takde adat sebab tak nak join dikir barat
(aku ngah buat kerja ngan chicks ah, jangan sibok!) "


look at the juxtaposition of their sinful indulgences with their pretentious self exaltations.. i just realised that i simply rock BYATCH!!! woah.. dizzying discovery...

To be enslaved by you...