Hey hey kids! Today’s update is all gonna be about army survival! Yes! Where would we be without those guys in tight military fatigues ey?


Tally ho to that salute sir!

As a servant oops I mean NS man serving in the army.. I get paid monthly with insults, condescendence and the occasional fuzzy wedgie! And if you ask me.. that’s all the motivation I need to go ahead with my daily duties…

Ive always been a quick learner and by sharing my experiences accompanied by carefully thought through opinions and butt slapping reflections.. I consider it a public service to all you clueless motherfucker who happen to stumble upon my blog..

After going through my update… you guys will be turned from this…


To this!



Although im not too sure if these shirtless guys are from the military at all…

No matter!..

Oh and if you guys are really unlucky or like to hide pork sirloins under your shirt, you could morph into a grubby medium breasted wrinkly old man.. Don’t say I didn’t warn you now!


The story

As a clerk here in the office, my job is to grab hold of online news articles and send them to the cheery fellas over here! Cheerios! Initially.. I was influenced(by default) by my brain to at least filter out irrelevant articles.. BIG MISTAKE…

#Rule no.1… do not allow your brain to take hold of you! Like the devil.. it tries to corrupt your judgement and impede you from doing your patriotic duty! Roger that sir!

To remedy this.. I promptly drilled a hole at the top of my skull and poured concentrated hydrochloric acid into the said cavity…

From then on, i was like the nerd who kept blindly shooting the hostages in a Virtua Cop Arcade Game(which is so 1991 by the way! you go gurl!), anything that moves, blast it to pieces.. im just following orders sir! no time to evaluate and rationalise! affirmative sir!!!

Now im the apple of the officers’ eyes and with my constant ball sucking and cleavage baring antics.. I was on my way to the top of nowhere.. yippee maam sir yes sir!

But then my fall from grace happened.. I screwed up…

I got a 3 day break which led me to weekend duty.. and there, in the morning.. im supposed to relieve the previous day’s clerk and the routine handing over act was carried out… Unfortunately he briefed me about everything except one small detail.. We were supposed to update the officer-in-charge with news articles of the day.. And I was totally unaware that we were now supposed to post our update in MS Word instead of the initial and usual MS Excel.. I got totally fucked up later that night… I was called “bloody stupid” cos I “didn’t ask”…

#Rule no. 2.. You must possess at least the most basic psychic abilities.. Preferably mind-reading, if not.. then.. perhaps premonitions or minor-scale prophesizing..

I totally agreed with the officer.. I really do.. sir yes sir! It was “bloody stupid” of me to not be psychic! I totally realized my mistake that I was supposed to know what my colleague forgot to tell me! My oh my! Silly me!

Realising my mistake, I quickly took a telephone and used it as a colonoscope… And through what makes no sense at all… I inherited psychic abilities…

My.. now im on my way! Roger that sir! So guys.. if you guys would just heed my advice and follow in my footsteps.. you guys can be like me too! So.. until then.. see ya later boy scouts!

Eh.. Wah lau..Testimonial leh..

In recent months.. apart from my unsupported campaign to use random shaped slabs of meat as hats, people have placed greater priority on friendster over their real social lives and they have as much fun as they can writing pretentious testimonials for each other..

On a totally unrelated note.. i came up with this great idea for a new trend..this time.. instead of meat.. how about pastries or assorted types of food items as hats?
Totally believing in my delightful little ingenuity which would would no doubt be on its way to commercial success, i convinced a local model to display some fine-pimping kick ass head gear ..



After horribly side tracking to the issue of pastry-hats.. the purpose of this post is actually to find help.. yes..because.. i have a disability..other than being a motherfucker, i cant write a proper testimonial! GASP!

the most recent one i just wrote seemed so right to me... but i was told later that it was rather unacceptable because testimonials are supposed to be pretentious and mind-numbing in nature... Wah Lau!
this girl i barely know.. (we went to the same secondary school) i was supposed to write a testimonial for her... and as soon as i started typing.. i couldnt stop and by the end of it.. my fingers had automatically clicked the "add testimonial" button which left me fuming..
because according to the doctor who did the xenotransplant on me, the mutant mandrill arms they found lying around grafted on to me(after a horrible industrial meat slicer accident while making meat hats) would sometimes get up to their own silly antics..

i wrote:-

"back when i was making diaper stains and trying to spell the word "scrotum" to be used in creative writing pieces... dila was already appointed to be in charge of the army's PR campaigns.. she churned out posters with thought evoking one- liners and went to gym all the time.. i remember her years as a teenager being spent doing bicep curls and squat variations.. she would take the occasional break to guzzle down GNC supplements and some mass- gainer whey... lets take a neoprint together soon k?"

my testimonial paled in comparison to the purposeful intent of another one in her list!

"HeY..............KaU tAuApE!!!?.........................KaLo KaUtAk TaU...................AkU pOn TaKtAu!!!.................MuAhAhAhAhA!!!.................IsH,aCtuAlLy KaN, aKu BoRiNg......TaKdEkEjE.........sO aNtAr TeStI kArOt2....HuHuhU"

by
"SaRdAuKaR LocalDatewithTimezone("2004/11/22 10:31:27") Tuesday, November 23, 2004"

check it out here..

seriously.. TOTALLY WAH PIANG EH!!!

*more updates on my other offensive testimonials next time ok?*
-enigmatic butterfly bared her soul at 12.04 pm ,Jan 23 2005-

Recently, i had a serious diaper rash which may have been brought by my trying to house a hamster in my jock strap.. I mistook this as a symptom of lycantrophy and went ahead to visit the friendly neighborhood vet! Soon after, he was probing my testicles with his gloved fingers, growling erotically while my mom and dad looked on with concern..


i brushed this off as normal medical procedure and waited for him to come back from "taking care of matters that came up" he said..

He took a horribly long time to come back.. so i took the liberty of looking up his national-geographic-medical files on his other subjects/patients complete with helpful descriptions that expand our general knowledge.. this is what i found..



Description
Head and body length: 32 inches. Tail: 3 inches. Weight: 25-45 pounds, male larger.
Coat is olive brown above, pale underneath. Adult males have bluish naked rump, a bright blue and red muzzle, and yellow coloring on “beard” (coloring in females and juveniles is duller). Prominent bony ridges present on each side of the nose.
Range
West central Africa, southern Cameroon, equatorial New Guinea, Gabon and Congo.
Status
Habitat conversion for farming is the primary threat to habitats that support this species.
Habitat
Forest floor during the day; sleeps in trees at night.
Niche
Eats mostly fruit, seeds, fungi, roots, insects and small vertebrates; will also eat grass. Diurnal and terrestrial. Group size includes an alpha male, several females and juveniles. Excess males live alone or forage with the group. During dry season, several groups come together to form troops of up to 200. Home range is very large for this species: 9,000-12,000 acres.

source: http://www.lpzoo.com/tour/factsheets/mammals/mandrill.html




Fun Facts
1. He is capable of drinking 100 L (30 gal.) of water in just 10 minutes.
2. He stores fat in the hump, not water! In fact, he is born without a hump because the layer of fat does not develop until he eats solid food.
3. Unlike most mammals, his body temperature fluctuates throughout the day from 34oC to 41.7oC (93oF-107oF.) This fluctuation is important because it allows him to conserve water by not sweating as the environmental temperature rises.
4. He is no longer considered a wild animal. In Africa and Arabia it is a semi-domesticated animal that free ranges but is under the control of herders.

source:http://www.seaworld.org/AnimalBytes/dromedary_camelab.html




They are small, virtually tailless and velvet-furred with enormous cheek pouches, also, they are capable of using gangster signs to identify between themselves. They originated in the Middle East and southeastern Europe. The most common and popular, both as pets and laboratory animals, is this one. Color and hair-type varieties include cinnamon, cream, white, and "teddy bear" (the long-haired variety). Most of them are sold as pets or used in research are the descendants of 3 littermates domesticated in 1930.

The cheek pouches are a relatively unique anatomic feature . They are actually a cavernous outpouching of the oral (mouth) cavity on both sides, extending alongside the head and neck to the shoulders. These pouches are used to store food and allow them to transport food from where it is gathered to their den or nest The food is then eaten later, at their leisure. Owners not familiar with these cheek pouches often panic when seeing them fully distended for the first time, thinking they represent tumors or abscesses.

Potential life span: 2-3 years
Adult body weight: 100-150 grams (Adult females are slightly larger than adult males)
Desirable environmental temperature range: 65-75 F
Desirable relative humidity range: 30-70%
Ages for first breeding: male: 10-14 weeks; female reproduction: 6-10 weeks
Length of estrous (heat) cycle: 94 hours
Gestation (pregnancy) period: 15 1/2-16 days
Average litter size: 5-10 young
Age at weaning: 3 weeks

source: http://www.animalhospitals-usa.com/small_pets/hamsters.html

man, im so gonna be sniped in the balls for this! damn!
im such a mother fucker.. here, i forgot to provide the link to "sg_mly_handsomest" just cos i think you guys need it.. http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=11840286

Commanding Respect, Respecting Command...

i just got enlisted and with no real training at all, got posted to situation control at the UN relief coordination centre.. Suddenly, i was thrusted in with all the colonels, majors and warrant officers.. Sounds important? haha... im just a duty clerk...

and being around these big shots who make all the decisions in the army.. i overheard what seemed like the guy in charge of all those army posters you see around giving orders to his subordinates.. The exact quoted order was "Aiyah! just take any picture then put put words lah! so easy.." The creative behind- the- scenes force for posters which you would need to hurriedly bludgeon yourself with a SAR21 rifle butt to neutralise the necrosis they may induce..

Hey wait... i just assumed he was the director of that poster- churning campaign since his words just explains it all.. haha.. im using my magical red shoes while clutching on to my prized scrotum(kinda like a seat belt for imagination travel) to take me to places i wanna go again! silly me! weeeee!!!




for no reason at all.. a fat guy with a stern stare.. (to brighten up yer day eh fellows? always worked for me...)

-and remember, whenever you fall in the mud face first... the mud on your face is soil... our soil...