do you guys get it?

~toodles~dee~doo~
Wo de peng yo henngg cute wam pa tan liaoz!

I had to write an essay for a chance to get into NTU's art media design course, so i risked it all by carbombing the professors there with this gem...

fresh out of the warm, safe and caring womb of my pre-university institution to the "real world" that our teachers have warned us about. I could almost hear somebody shout "lock and load" as we cautiously stepped out of the school compounds as if signifying preparation for the "rat race", another legend circulated by our esteemed educators.
i had meticulously planned my career route and where i would be 'ten years from now', a skill sharpened from the many mandatory motivational seminars and courses i had to grudgingly attend. So, i wrote down random professions on small pieces of paper and mixed them all in a hat, i decided that i had to be serious about this as it was my future thats at stake. I destinedly picked "artist", but the only thing i knew about art was the generic beret and goatee stereotype i sometimes doodled while writing internet erotic fan fiction.
Totally ignoring the fact that i included that piece of information about my interesting pasttime activities which risked offending someone, i continue with my thoughts about a potential bohemian lifestyle. I had picked NTU's art media design course as, according to students there, the canteen sold fine cottage cheese. Armed with high expectations of fermented milk and an over-idealised opinion of an artist's life, i day-dreamed in my own post-degree projection of events like directing a tribute season of Living With Lydia, a singaporean sitcom so kick-ass-grade good, it made it into its third season here, seriously. Please let me realise my dreams of influencing pop culture and doing my part to corrupt impressionable youths with mass media. Ill be your maid for one month, ok two tops..

if that failed.. i was willing to try this instead...

"Okay... so I walk out of the office about to leave the building when I hear this woman's voice coming from another room. Sounded as though she was by herself talking on the phone... which she was, when I looked through the door of the empty room/kitchen area to find a SUPER HOT girl on the phone talking to whoever.She was in the room with her incredible ass, I'm just thinking "wow, she's alone, I hope she farts, imagine what her farts smell like?"As SOON as I left the bathroom I heard a door shut, hoping it was her shutting the door to the office she returned to. So I walk quickly to the room with the lights off, I walked over near the chair where she sat....
As soon as I walked over near the chair I smelled a mixture between perfume and farts... the air hovering over the chair was definitely funky. I leaned down and smelled the seat where the super hot girls amazing ass sat for at least 5 minutes straight...
It smelled like pure girl farts... a strong fart essence was present in the felt padded seat cushion, I started buggin out. I kept smelling the cushion for as long as the smell's odor retained it's embodiment. I was in heaven with the sexy fumes that only lasted a couple of minutes. I buried my face into the seat cushion smelling this HOT girls candy farts. I was so happy that day.
It was the whole aspect that she was in that room totally comfortable, she knew nobody was around, and God knows how many farts she let out, if she enjoyed the smell, or what. I caught her farts and she had no idea, it's great when that happens. I intend on continuing my trips to this office."


i didnt write this piece of literature, but chances are, it was one of those other applicants .. which automaticaly casts me in a positive light.. so how about it? admission beckons?
*nudge nudge wink wink*

once again, i would like to introduce a new addition to the member list..
i love this guy so much, i have written a poem for him....

i love firdaus because he makes me smile
i like firdaus because he makes me laugh
i love firdaus because he has a nice voice
i absolutely like firdaus because of the bulge in his pants

*toodle~dee~do*

A while ago.. i dreamt i was zainal, rather, in zainal, kinda like in the movie "Being John Malkovich"(which totally rocked by the way).. anyway.. this was all i could remember........... ........... ............. ............ ........... .............

Message: Arahan : Jawab soalan berikut didalam
bahasa melayu!

SEBAIK SAJA BANGUN DARI TIDO

1.suara pertama yang didengar :
>>> budak budak dikir temasek (di radio lah! teehee)

2.perkara pertama yang dilakukan :
>>> menonton video cerita E.C

3.surat khabar yang selalu dibaca:
>>> berita harian kerana komik komik yang kelakar belaka!

4.sarapan kegemaran:
>>> benda benda yang halal la wah lau

5.lagu ideal untuk meletakkan "mood" :
>>> tipah tertipu oleh ruffedge! gerek sioott!!

APA BILA DI LUAR

1.perkara/eksesori yang mesti ada pada
saya :
>>> benda yang dipanggil "bling bling"

2.saya suka tengok :
>>> abang abang yang berg memakai tanjak golden! tak leh carry ah!

3.bila orang yg saya tak kenal tenung saya :
>>> hendak la dia menegur untuk bertanding dalam dikir barat version of "you got served"

4.saya paling tak mengerti apa bila orang :
>>> tidak menyembah saya

5.bila orang yg saya tak kenal menyinggung saya :
>>> saya akan menepuk dengan nyaring sekali kerana saya la harapan budaya melayu dan paling beradat

APABILA BERJUMPA DENGAN KAWAN

1.yang pendiam? -
>>> imran, kadang kala orang kata dia terkencet.. kalau dalam bahasa inggeris, di katakan "making skidmarks"

2.yang pandai berjenaka? -
>>> ni semua tak main ah jack!

3.yang kreatif? -
>>> kawan saya bernama firdaus yang sebetulnya penulis skrip "living with lydia" dan "E.C." serta penulis lirik untuk Ruffedge

4.yang paling bijak berbelanja? -
>>> saya sungguh malas menjawab

5.yang asal main sondol aje? -
>>> awak akan masuk neraka kalau asyik main sondol sahaja

MUSIK-TV

1.Lagu yang selalu dimain oleh saya :
>>> tipah tertipu oleh ruffedge.. kalau tidak.. "samseng" oleh Ahli Fiqir.. gerek TO THE MAX!

2.Kalau saya ada kumpulan nama kumpulan saya
ialah :
>>>" kalau korang tidak menyembah kita nampak sah masuk neraka"

3.saya lebih suka mendengar lagu di :
>>"ni semua tak main ah jack!"

4.kumpulan/penyanyi yang saya ingin
berduet bersama dengan :
>>> ahli ahli kumpulan ruffedge, dan awok awok dari dikir temasek.. handal sial...

5. image saya :
>>> macam mak kau nyer laki la bodoh! hrrghhuhuhahahah *snort* kecoh sioottt!!!!

6.cerita yang saya ingin lihat di kaca tv :
>>> E.C

7.rancangan yang paling tidak diminati :
>>> cerita cerita yang boleh buat kita masuk neraka

HAL EHWAL

1.saya tidak akan persoalkan cara :
>>> betapa tidak sachok orang lain

2.bapa saya ialah seorang :
>>> mat balding middle age crisis yang berlakon di dalam E.C

3.ibu saya gemar memasak :
>>>> lee kuan yew!!!

4.adik beradik saya suka :
>>> jadi hamba saya

5.almari saya memang :
>>> menyimpan baju baju sachok saya

MASA DEPAN

1.pada hari esok saya akan :
>>> activate budak budak

2.resolusi harian saya ialah:
>>> menjadi "berg" macam yazid(minah kerinting dalam E.C yang tidak suka mat salleh kerana bulu dada)

3.jika saya dapat gaji saya akan :
>>> pergi clubbing ah jack! macam tak biasa gitu..

4.saya tidak ingin terserempak dengan :
>>>> budak budak kental taik kuching ah!

5.apabila saya mati nanti, saya ingin
dikenali orang sebagai :
>>> abang angkong siao "activate budak budak" serta sachok dan berg

gosh... dont worry guys.. zainal survived because the paramedics found that he consumed less than the required amount of diapers lethal to humans.. in fact, he woke up and recovered right away

(it probably helped that i was in my most sexiest lingerie.. mmmm...)

anyway, ill show you a picture of him staring at my C cups..


be gentle with those thumbs now..

him again, being contented and "berg" at the same time..



the point of this post? reassurance regarding zainal's health and my resumed leeching on his soul

with that out of the way.. on to more important matters... my virtual social life..

you guys probably know anyway.. but for the uninitiated, friendster is acting fruity lately.. and i mean in a negative way..


a fruity pear. yes.

ill be damned if its gonna shut down on me...

Statistical acquaintance just a novelty?

hell no! it reflects how popular i am in real life.. all those strangers i blindly add as friends so that i can hit the maximum at *500* then start a "Ridzal II" account will all probably help me clean my hamster cage IF i asked 'em to.. They'll most likely give me a free gynae exam too while theyre at it..

and dont let me get started on those testimonials that look like my personal stamp collection. think about all those people ive coerced, blackmailed and sweet-talked into writing me one(or two or ten)... all my hard work socialising!

as a precautionary measure... i have decided to print out everyone of them testimonials, 3 hard copies each.. 1 set to be filed in a folder, another set to be pasted up on my front door(for the convenience of visitors!) and the last set to be pinned (loosely) to my spine(for easy flipping of pages)..

everyone will envy my palatial list of friends and testimonials..



i made the mistake of not doing this earlier and when friendster's server crashed a while ago... it seemed like Y2K really happened and like zainal, nearly took my own life.. Fortunately, bands which zainal and firdaus were affiliated to like Ruffedge and Ahli Fiqir saved me from certain damnation.. and yes zainal, Tipah tertipu is truly a great song indeed... if i didnt know better, i'd think that you penned it yerself.. you talented loaf of bread you....

Dear Ridzal,

This is a suicide note.By the time you read this,i will have consumed 3 packets of baby diapers preferably Huggies or if not,Pampers , 20 tabs of Panadol Menstrual and i have Ruffedge's Tipah Tertipu on repeat in my CD player.

Sometimes i wish you could see me when you're going out with other guys. When i'm biting my lips into a crimson river of emptiness. dark crimson red signifying blood. signifying life which has no meaing for me anymore. so dark.so black.so evanescence. life is meaningless when you use a passive-aggressive approcah to getting treats from me and then having sex with the soccer captain of Tampines Rovers Under-13 team while i stand there holding a handycam recording his every powerful thrust into you and you keep shouting at me,"Hold the camera steadily,you muthafucking pussy!". Life is meaningless and when life has no meaning it means that it provides me with a justification to take black masking tape and paste them over my nipples which are actually capable of milking baby rats.


You wouldnt know what my love for you has done to me.

You used to stand up for me whenever some 65 year old Chinese auntie asked me whether she could have the can of Coca-Cola which i had no more use for and you replied her question with a roundhouse kick to the ribs.I still have her picture right here with me

That memory remains like a scar on the right buttcheek of a fat man who got slashed while attempting to sit down on an Iron Chef armed with a meat cleaver.

It was the most memorable day of my life when we went out and took a walk by the seaside and you wore the blue sleeveless shirt that i bought for you and you fashioned your hair like a double curry puff.


I just want you to know that this friendship will last forever even though its killing me and by the time you read this post,i will be looking like this.

and in times like this only one song can articulate how suicidal i feel..

* Tipah tertipu tertipu tipu tetipah
Tipah tertipu tertipu tipu tetipah
Tipah tertipu tertipu tipu tetipah
Tipah tertipu lagi

Bila berkata tentang tipah tertipu lagi
Jangan salahkan sesiapa, salahkan diri sendiri
Yang tahu menilai sesuatu yang baik, buruk dan rugi
cinta datang dan pergi jangan tergadai diri
Kau harus tahu dan kau harus fikir ha
Ini permainan bukan boleh diduga
C.A.T.A.K.A. pria pujangga pucuk kasam menggegarkan telinga
Azan mulakannya...

Kisah tipah ini satu pengajaran
Yang buat kita fikir, oh oh oh oh oh
Mulanya seperti kain yang suci
Tapi dicemari dunia keji

** Senang percaya si Jeffri, dia ditipu lelaki
Senang pula ubah hati, kerna dikikir emosi
Menipu sana sini, tanggung-tanggunglah sendiri
Bila problem dah menggunung
Tak ade yang dapat tolong

Selepas tertipu, dia yang menipu
Dan tipu sudah jadi hati dgn diri
Tipu dah tetipah, kerana selesa, dengan gaya hidupnya yang liar

Ulang **

Ulang *

Bila makin terdesak, tertipu, menipu
Menangis seorang diri, mengenang nasib
Yang rugi, tak suci
Dan lagi dan kini masa untuk kebenaran, muncul kembali

Kau sedar taktik kau dah lari, kau bersilih ganti
Sampai bila pun kau tak cukup dan tak mudah berhenti
Apa nak dicari, serta menjadi-jadi kerna
Kernamu mudah dijual, mudah dibeli tepi

Kenapa ni, menangisi, derita ditanggung sendiri
Apa dicari, mengapa kau salahkan Ali
Bangun sendiri, tak kira malam pagi
Jangan tangisi derita yang kau cari sendiri
I'm just the best, dada
I'm the best papa, baru hilang semua
Papa sama saja, ikut penangan jiwa sendiri kan bertanya
Bila masa cinta berputik dipinggirian dia

Hello, bolehku tanya, siapa nama?
Oh Tipah, pernahku dengar tapi di mana ya
Mungkinkah dari teman-temanku
Kaulah gadis itu, yang selalu ditipu, engkaulah tipah tertipu

Tipah tertipu tertipu, aku tak tahu tak tahu
Aku tak dapat nak bantu, tipah tertipu

Tipah, selamat hari jadi, kau sudah kena
Kena tipu lagi, takde sape yang boleh tolong
Melainkan tuan punya body...

especially the last line..

Love,
Zainal "everything will be over soon" Abidin