one of the "perks" of sharing house space with other siblings means that you'll get to experience the joys of sibling jokes/pranks... here are my favorites... ahh...the good ol' times... sigh...

1. you're watching tv/at the computer... your bro/sis runs in, lets loose a stinker and runs off to let you enjoy the spoils of their last meal... ahhh...
2. ask your bro/sis loudly about that fictional rash on her/his left buttcheek when her/his friends come over... (works best if the boy/girlfriend comes over!)
3. if you have a male brother, frame him for downloading porn on the net... (choose weird porn like doing it with horses or old women with hair on their butts!)
4. one of the more immature ones... when a friend calls... report his/hers most embarassing incidents to them before you pass the phone over...
5. when he/she is chatting online (especially on MSN messenger), wait till he/she needs to get up to go to the loo or fridge... rush in, hijack the com and type in stuff like "the rashes on my buttcheeks are peeling off.... do you think you can help?"
6. claiming you saw them making out with a fictional bangladeshi mutual friend a few blocks away, reporting it to your parents in the straightest face you can hold... then pretending to be emotional about how disappointed you are with them... end with a sigh and fake tear in the eye...
7. draw a moustache/ big mole on their faces when they sleep... then giggle yourself to sleep...
8. write new pages in their diary about how they've noticed dirty-yellow fungi growing on their armpits then show it to everybody... feigning utmost concern for their health...
9. pretend to join them when their friends or girl/boyfriends come over... let loose a fart and frame them for it.. killer line.."damn! this is your fart.. it is so you! i've smelt it before.. you had chicken and broccoli again didnt you!!!" pretend to cry and talk about how you cant take the abuse anymore...
10. (works best for male siblings) plant a stained female undergarment in his schoolbag... wait till your parents or his friends (once again his girlfriend would be perfect) are present... pretend to need something from his bag... bring it into view of everybody... pull out the incriminating evidence and shriek, "eeeee!!! whats this? you pervert!!!"


of course.. you'll always be comforted by the fact that you could be ruining their lives... ahhh... the companionship.... the rewards siblinghood brings... (contented sigh)....

ok, about the phrase "wake up your (fucking) idea!", seriously... its simply disgusting... this is one of the most non-sense making command/motivational cheer-on i've ever heard next to grunting by over-enthusiastic ruggers... its used by NS sergeants and soccer/rugby captains and too frequently at that... its not grammatically correct i say.. but this pig-like ex-rugby player grunted to me that "being grammatically correct is the last thing you think of when you're in the thick of the action!!! *oink!*" but.... if you're going to dish out incoherent commands when the time needs it... isnt it most important if your men understand your command? if they go "what the fuck?!?".. then it defeats all purpose of making that damn instructional order in the first place... how can an idea wake up? errr... i dont think so....

theres no star waiting in the sky, to make living this shit worthwhile... a girl suddenly messaged me and asked me how i was doing... and gradually the conversation moved to the thing(i cant call it a relationship anymore cos according to this other girl, it is only a relationship if she "considered it to be one") we had a few months ago... and now, as opposed to the time we were together, she admitted to having feelings for me... ok thats sweet... but frankly... what the hell? whats the use of it now? whats the use of me doing all i could then to make you feel the same way i do only to see you turn your face away and act like some red-assed baboon on prozac? and now when you've patched things up with your ex, and ive nursed three broken hearts, now, of all the appropriate times, you choose to tell me this? its all bullshit, but i cant deny the fact that its sweet though... haha... so now im supposed to mope around in the corner of my room "wishing how it could have been?"... damn im not gonna do that... and whats with the periodic napalm strikes on me? the latest one says that she doesnt consider it a relationship? just because why? its all lies and her inability to decide anything built the foundation of our "not-considered-a-relationship?" thats simply bullshit... shes the one who asked me if she was my girlfriend, and i replied with ,"errr... duuuhhhhh... i dunno...(at this point of time, my attention was suddenly directed towards a dancing chimp with a party hat)... i think so... duuuhhhh...." remember the times you called me your boyfriend? i have the log files to prove it... yeah im bitter, what am i? a whore? and then they'll laugh and joke about how much of a whore i am, then ill walk around with a visible panty line just so i can... yeah im losing it.. but my anger is real... and before anyone gets angry with me over anything, please verify it with me first... is it something like this? ... *fat-faced, floppy haired platonic bastard: i think ridzal says youre a bitch... snort.. grunt.. *oh-im-so angry and i could bitch about him more now but admitted she loved me once: yah that damn bastard! what the fuck! (sudden twitching because of bullshit brain processing)... i could be wrong... but then again, im being a hypocrite for assuming stuff... ok if i was wrong forgive me, im just relaying the situation as humorously as i can... am i wrong for loving you in the first place? if you're being this cruel to me, im the one who should hate you... stop making it seem as if it were'nt your fault.... and by the way i dont hate you... just the execution of this whole damn break up... theres no harm in talking to me face to face and giving it to me straight in the face, everything there is to it in one big slab delivered right up my arse... ill take it like a man, complete with nonchalant facial expression... think about it... its better than dragging it, telling me periodically about how big an ass i am... what ever there is you dont tell me, i assume, i fill in the blanks... isnt that just human nature to think of what went wrong? hate me for this, but dont hate me for what you've only heard...

i downloaded the song la vie en rose from the jeux d'enfants (love me if you dare) soundtrack and it brought a big smile to my face... it just reminded me of all the happiness a short while ago... i just closed my eyes and collapsed in the recliner chair with a smile fixed on my face even when the song ended, imaginary melodies feeding and accompanying my memories... it is heightened nostalgia that the song brings about... the siginificance of it, the mellow lazy melody and the meloncholia it evokes... all of it making me wish to go back to those days of smiles, happiness and kisses... it is pure romanticism when i imagine myself to be lying on a rooftop, my hand in hers, squinting to keep the sun out of our eyes while looking at the passing clouds... unproductive, yes... pragmatic perception aside, it would mean that much to me... of course, this is far from reality... its just delusional idealism..

Hold me close and hold me fast
The magic spell you cast
This is la vie en rose

When you kiss me heaven sighs
And tho I close my eyes
I see la vie en rose

When you press me to your heart
I’m in a world apart
A world where roses bloom

And when you speak...angels sing from above
Everyday words seem...to turn into love songs

Give your heart and soul to me
And life will always be
La vie en rose

i just spent about 3 hours in the hospital visiting my grandma... i really pity her in her state... and when we had to leave as visiting hours ended, i felt real sad... cos i know the cold and loneliness that comes with being warded... and when i went to the seven eleven with my sister, we got disturbed by a group of malay girls... they went, "bye abang" ahaha... do i have reason to be happy? i doubt so.. but it did bring a chuckle about... hahaha... dont they have somebody better to disturb? or worse for that matter... haha... i read her blog... and she "subtly" accused me of artificial sweetness... ive not been in that many relationships in my life... only three... that are worth a mention... ok now four, including her... and i was speaking the truth when i said i didnt have the feeling before... she was only the second one who has responded with such positivity... it was the truth and i swear upon my life that its true... see... another assumption, another misunderstanding, another denied attempt to explain myself...

something i wrote, inspired by nightwish, a goth band... my gothic sanctuary...

in a gothic sanctuary
there is enough solace to hide behind a smile
a smile filled with loneliness
where it doesnt matter, all the rest
and when i talk, i speak in tongues
you dont understand cos your mind is young
paradoxially, im too tired to sleep
i pierce my own skin with a blade's tip
and when i bleed, crimson fury stains
i lay sprawled on the pavement, as if slain

look into the blank of my mind's eye
and dont say anything, dont even sigh
run your shackles around my brain, do it harm
instead of stressed i lie here charmed
save me the trouble of a proper burial
just leave my soul to slide into a lull
and to quench that insatiable thirst
angels must fall first
in this sanctuary i am the emperor
where ill try to be happy and somehow forget her

yeah, ill try to... looking at how she already has with 'er new one, that replacement...

as a follow through on that last piece.. is beauty more of a curse than a blessing then? in that aspect... i guess its more of a social-booster, people have a better impression of good-looking people rather than not-so-good-looking people... hehe... as a victim of this, i admit that i know how it is when people like you just because you said something nice to them and when u say how they got it all wrong, they accuse you of leading them on... haha... and how every member of the opposite sex you talk to is your new make-out partner and how big a flirt you are... and feeling so violated when you are being ogled at by girls and guys alike.. haha... and how when you walk past a group of people who mainly dont favor you, you get comments like... "dia ingat dia lawar/handsome sangat pe!" haha... seriously guys... people like to pick on you just because you possess beauty, if not in your eyes, then in theirs... and of course... you get thrown into a category with all the other beautiful people.. where you get compared, evoking lines such as.. "eh si dia ni lagi lawar dari si dia tu" when all you want is to fake your way through tertiary education... and how people rush into a relationship with you only to come out scarred when u dont really share their enthusiasm... then u lose their friendship, in extreme cases, "boycotted"... some of them i really do enjoy their company and how they seem to appreciate mine... and if you do, just stay with me... the time between sweet mushy lines such as "you are the best anybody could have" to "i want a break up" is incredibly short... if i dont wanna go official with ya straight away... its not because im just flirting and have other girls on the side... its because yeah it sounds like a damned cliche but love needs to develop from friendship first... and if you force it, i can only be myself, i still treat u as a friend to which im asaulted by these teeth-grinding lines such as.. "then like that for what go steady!" im doing the best i can from what ive learnt... but you dont want that and from the lack of understanding between us, cracks occur and you break away... most probably not even wanting to talk to me... i think it takes a lot of maturity to see things the way i do... and i wont hate you for the break up... i wont go general and hate girls cos of this break up... i wont go GSF(girls schmirls foundation) and denounce the need for them... if you enjoyed my company and humor before... why shouldnt you still enjoy it now? i didnt change... i still wanna spend time with you cos u were something like a best friend... and i respect couples who have broken up and still treat each other right... its cruel and it doesnt make sense that you must be enemies just because it did not work out... we were just so close a minute ago and now youre bad mouthing me to your friends and calling me a jerk or a loser? and then theres the added bonus of making fun of me with your new boyfriend who could also fall victim to the same shit... hahah... think about it... the structure of it all does not make sense to me... but then again... im just an "immature bastard" who "charms girls asses off"... hahahhah... im sorry if i offended anyone... im just stating a point... theres no love lost... cheerios...

the problem with beautiful girls is that they have a lot of self-esteem problems, this makes them insecure and wanna beat the shit out of their boyfriends if they so much as think about other girls... of course this is just my opinion or you might call it hypothesis, coming out of my head filled with nothing else other than paedophilia... haha...
beautiful girls take pride in the way they look, cos thats their money maker... they do everything to enhance or maintain it because they think that its what will make the guy stay and not look for other girls... the stated is only true if the relationship is built upon superficiality...they(most of them anyway) do not really build on their other talents because they are generally contented as they are, blessed by the gods with good genes... so this results in them being proud of nothing else other than their looks... they are incredibly offended when their physical attributes are commented on... they are mainly insecure because they are afraid their boyfriends will find someone better, someone who is more fun to be with, or *gasp* someone more beautiful... they spend all their time worrying about this that they forget that they should remedy the situation by actually treating their boyfriends right for once and cast those unfounded accusations out of sight... and when they or their boyfriends leave them, the first thing they say is that they have no problem finding other guys... no shortage of suitors... the thing is... so i was just a statistic? there is more to relationship than just boasting about how many ex-es you have... im with you because i wanna find love, not so i can boast about "oh i was (insert girl's name here) boyfriend once siiiiaaaakkk!!" they need to be brought down to earth and practise humility... cos the main freaking problem lies with them...
the machiavellian character, Iago in the play Othello said that "the mind is a garden" where you can plant anything such as vegetables for consumption or let it be overrun by weeds... and it is true because you need to pull out these 'weeds' by hand, by yourself to spare others the torment of that quick heartbroken feeling...

something weird happened today, this group of indian "makkals" were playing soccer in school, then when my friends and i appeared on the scene to join them... they suddenly packed up and went home.. hah! this is the same team we beat the last week, i guess we came across as over-confident or even arrogant to them, bullying them on the playing court... so we just kicked around till the track and hockey girls team joined us... haha... it was really fun...then one of the girls said something which gave instant gratification to the calling for appreciation i held for so long... she said... "siak ah... the real talent is here siak.... zal, you deserve to be in the team siak..."... i was so emotional i almost cried... haha... if everybody told me that, there has to be some credibility on my part... when i whine about my rightful place ursurped by the reason that i express my opinions and i dont suck the damned coach's balls! haha.... If i knew sucking balls could make up for a lack of innate ability, i'd have leartn this disgusting art long ago.. haha.. just kidding.. ill always whine about this... sigh... haha... well, i think its true when my ex-girlfriend said that minahs always looked at me.. haha... i was in the mrt when these 3 minahs looked and giggled at me, i could be wrong but i was with my two platonic friends and they saw it too... maybe i quote my ex-girlfren, thats cos i "look like a mat" haha... or maybe i look like someone from anak metropolitan... haha... well i hope its not any of these reasons.. i'd prefer it to be like , "siak ah, budak ni cool gila siak!" hahahhahahaha..... wishful thinking but it never hurts to dream... haha... and oh... i hope shes happier now that shes free from the stress i cause her... and i hope ill be soon now that i dont cause her stress... alrite then, cheerios....

this blog -writing is really catching on with me... like totally... well, i just realised one thing.. writing bits of prose really transfers your emotions elsewhere... i just grab that bit of emotion, whether its anger or grief and convert into creative poetic ammunition... and then i hide them all behind a smile... im so good it hurts... haha... snort snort... things are looking up fer me... i was approached to read out my poetic creations at this valentine's day gig... of course i wont choose my emo scripts... so exciting... sometimes, i think im getting too confident for my own good... i walk with a swagger armed with an obnoxious grin on my face, temporarily rebond my hair and "sound" girls to be my "adik angkat".... haha... imagine that.. it would be the greatest irony if i make fun of all these abang abang CD(civil defence) and then end up there for national service... haha.. i'd rather sit around clapping my hands joining dikir barat! haha... The latest rumor we've started now is that actually me and imran are boyfriends and zainal is my scandal... haha... and me and zai purposely act gay in front of people to reinforce those rumors... the dumb thing is that these people believe it even though its as ridiculous as hell.. haha... my sense of humor is totally extreme i guess... sick even to some people.... maybe thats what made my girlfriend leave me... haha....

caught in a star's trail, i catch fire and get left behind... when i think about it, maybe thats how my situation is... and maybe its my fault for her feeling that way? this girl told me once its hard to love somebody when the person to be loved isnt there.. and thats where ive slipped... and also because of the phone call the last sunday when she wanted to apologise... i recognise the fact of her being a very paranoid and sensitive girl... i should have talked to her but instead i gave her the cold shoulder... but i was feeling really hurt by the fact that she rejected to receive my 99 dollar gift... 99 dollars means i had to work for two to three whole days... and it all comes to nought... i dont have alot of money... so this really hurts... maybe i should have bought my sisters clothes or my mom something she liked... sigh... what am i gonna do with a 99 dollar esprit bag? the memories attached to it hurt too much to let it stay... dangerous assumptions are always made about me... and she accuses me of that... ive a feeling that these baseless assumptions have directly or indirectly fueled this break up to take place... the only good thing to come out of this is to raise my poetic inclinations... a broken heart can propel one to great levels of creativity... but sometimes i wonder if my poetry is good, some people laugh at poet-types.. but i dont write about mushy stuff do i? corny stuff to be laughed at? i can only hope i dont.... so far nobody has commented negatively except for the fact that i have a dark gift... i wish i can be immortal, somebody special, to have inside me blood of kings...

my grandma was sick yesterday night, in the middle of the night, my whole family scrambled there to find her scrambling for breath... Nobody dared to sleep for fear that she would pass on while they had their eyes closed... I was really scared, its one thing to talk about death in poetic verses dipped in black metal rhetoric but its another thing to look at it through someone's eyes, where it is so close... she kept staring at me while i stood in the doorway, i feared she was looking at the angel that would take her away who could have been standing next to me... i really freaked out... This after my girlfriend left me, at this point of time when i needed her... The pain is compounded by the fact that she is treating me like an enemy... she said "you think the world revolves around you" when i asked about her blog entry being about me... I felt that comment being totally unnecessary... It really tears my heart in half to see the person who was just telling me how much she loved me say all these things... Its utterly heartless... sigh... i can only hope that ill be numbed by this treatment soon....

You say you wanna stay by my side
and that you were all mine
in many ways, ill miss what you have to say
and how i cant cope with missing you every day

now here i sit a pathetic whimper of myself
reminiscing about a heaven that turned to hell
as if my wings are clipped in its haste
as if i had wings in the first place
Yeah it hurts to say but I want you to stay
and my mind tries to work to find a way
praises of me, you seem to always sing
They fade my friend, you say the strangest things

i have to hold on to my angst-ridden opinions
and let go, not to be one of hate's minions
cos ive always fell in flight
from the curse of love i cannot hide
i cant hear the wind chimes,
anymore cos it not meant to be, sometimes

i just found out i got pissed over some stuff that wasnt meant for me... now i feel like an idiot... but im still pissed i dun know why... maybe at myself.. some ex-crescent girls talked to me... they warned me about her... they said of how they were worried how i would be hurt... i guess its too late... now im confused... i thought i got over everything... in that forced expulsion of hatred and sadness... but it was based on something that wasnt meant for me... damn... i thought it was no use being sad over something she didnt even regard as significant in her life... something to me was so dear but to her not even near... and my first girlfriend called me... to give me advice on relationships... she sounds so mature now.. so grown up... i didnt know she would be so "semangat" to call.. i guess there are more people who care about me than i originally thought of... she said so many good things about me...she really has a good impression of me... sigh... reminds me of the old days... how she blew me kisses in class only to get caught by the teacher... haha.. shes taking care of her family now, something which im envious of... i wish i could take care of my family too... and that some one too who would appreciate me as much as i did her... and would want to stay with me... she told me not to fall in love too fast... "jangan sayang dia dulu, tunggu sampai dah tau semua perangai dia".. and i replied with "tapi aku dah sayang dia, dia cakap dia sayang aku tapi skarang dia tinggalkan aku"... she paused and said,"kan susah kau dah sayang dia, kau masih muda, cari lah perempuan lain"... i dont get this line... what is it about me and "perempuan lain" or "other girls"? they make it sound as if im the best guy around and girls are lining up to be with me... That i hop from girl to girl like "changing shirts"? Initially, i thought of that to be such a rosy idea... but i would rather have one and stick to her... I'd love to be a casanova type... but im not... sometimes i dont even know what to do with a girl.... everything is spontaneous and ultimately risky and ambiguous... she might or might not like it... sigh.. i really thought she was the one... and im always pretending not to be hurt... but it hurts like burning ember on my flesh... im gonna use three lines from "the strokes-someday" then work a poetic reference to my situation around those lines... "yeah it hurts to say, but i want you to stay.." , "you say you want to stay by my side.." and "they fade my friend, you say the strangest things..."

duuhhh.. what was i here for? oh.. yeah.. the grouses i hold... i cant believe shes behaving this way.. it was just last week that she said she was happy... and now shes behaving as if i assaulted her and killed her family... what ever it is that she accuses me of... it doesnt hold any truth... "what love?" now she say this? wasnt she the one who was saying all that a week ago... i didnt do anything wrong... now shes saying how ridiculous it is? and even used the F word? wasnt she the one who wanted to "turn over a new leaf" and "dont want to lose you(me)"? its all quoted from her own mouth... I may not understand right now but the way shes acting... its either she assumed something negative about me or the blatant display of indifference... It never has meant anything to her it seems... Here i was taken in on how she wants to go the distance with me... The unfounded accusation of me "charming girls' asses off"? frankly, i dont know how all of this came about? Its either she tells me that she has heard or found out something bad about me "charming girls' asses of" which she hasnt really confirmed, or the fact that it is all an excuse... that i was just another one being played around... i sit in regret, for all the things ive done, all the things ive blessed, and all the things ive wronged....

ok this is a creative writing analysis, to the piece of poetry i wrote...
insecurities give birth to other negative feelings such as jealousy and distrust among two parties.. These are destructive and will most probably than not, overwhelm positive emotions such as trust, willingness to commit and ultimately, even love. Leaving behind nothing like barren landscape hence the cold desert..
yes it does take over you, slowly, gradually, inevitably... and soon it will control her, leaving others like me hurt in its wake. fight it for heaven's sake..
like the rising tide, it conquers the coast.. and in the mind, it drowns her in warped expectations and ideals...
and in the wooden sword, it tells of the odds stacked against me, all alone i stand, willing but hopeless unless she aids my quest...
and if i fall, my name will be etched in stone, buried somewhere, then forgotten, even my name covered with lichen, never someone significant in her life...
the future seems bleak, the winds do not change course, they blow into the dark clouds, she makes it that way, i am but a mere insect to redirect the winds..
the river symbolises her, reluctant of moving forward, stopping, even turning back, never reaching the sea... ending it prematurely..
and im here without her, because she doesnt want to be, i cry in my sleep, theres no spring in my step, i walk, head bowed with depression..
and yeah it makes me miss her, wishing for something that she does not want to be..

the cold desert of insecurity
hinders you and me
it creeps on slowly with time
across the rising tides of your mind

i pray you not leave me destitute
i battle a leviathan of sorts with a sword made of wood
ill not be remembered as the fallen
a humble name in stone to be covered soon with lichen

the wind blows foul forward
the river doesnt want to flow
but your face still appears in my dreams
and in your heart i long to be...

I believe in love to be something you need to build, to use an analogy, something like the both of you standing on different sides of a metaphorical gap... and its best if the both of you make that conscious effort to bridge the gap, meeting in the center.. if one does it all alone, the bridge will fall short.. inevitably... Isnt that what makes a relationship meaningful and rewarding? Its about bettering yourself and reaping the rewards that come... I mean im willing to change and listen to her complaints, and she should too... I do it for her...

I believe in love to be something free, i believe myself as a faithful person, i really do... I wouldnt even look at other girls if im with someone who im happy with... Im not a flirt, as she said... And right now, im really happy with the girl im with, just that im not sure if the feeling is mutual... I dont impose any restrictions on her cos i believe in trust, if she does something bad with other guys... Ill just decide that she wants to be with that guy(s) and not me... If not, she'd do it with me instead right? hehe... ok but seriously, its a display of faithfulness or on a higher level, fidelity... Its not that i dont care, its because i care... Im also exercising consideration for her interests and welfare... im not a possessive monster, i dont wanna be one...

right now, i feel that im down and my hands are tied, Ive been given a hurting blow by my girlfriend and i guess it really makes me think of how i am as a person... All ive been trying to do is to try to be there for 'er, be the one to listen about her day, sharing the emotions that comes with it.. be the one to comfort her in case she cries... tell her about my day, delivered animatedly, soaked in my humor, just to make her laugh or smile... and as a gesture of my affection, present to her gifts that i hope she appreciates... But all ive caused her is stress and misery... I should be the one alleviating those negative emotions, ironically im the one adding to them... I truly am speechless...

she says shes not the right girl for me, why is that so? she does not really say... or am i just not the right guy for her? I feel helpless to the rising tides of her mind... i am truly disappointed with this arrangement... I cant stop her if she wants "suspended animation" but i somehow dont feel its right... And i already feel her drifting away... I dont know whether to contact her anymore, for fear of disturbing or irritating her... I hope she speaks the truth of her motivations.. its like shes a stranger now, so distant... i guess i love her but maybe ill just end up with another broken heart.. I really wanna talk to her sometime... thats if shes free and willing...

i saw a sellavision advert the other day... it went something like this... "they are sweet, sensitive and the nicest guys around! they are the platonic friends!!! they'll make you happy and do your bidding, smiling all the way... and best of all! thay double up as best friends!!! so get one now!!! with our special offer and packaged influenced by the concept of pocket monsters*pokemon.. we present to you... platomon!!! get yours now!!!" the 'menu' looked something like this...

Pre-evolved platomon(Lv 1-10)
these are the type who have yet to know you yet, you have just got to be close to them and they try to find every opportunity to make conversation to you, laughing at your jokes and trying to confide in you about their problems...

Evolved Basic platomon(Lv 10-30)
they have already gotten close to you and try to call you every night, "to talk" or to confide about how they like this girl/guy or worried about their lost tanjak*(a headdress worn by dikir barat group members)... They always speak of this other girl that they like so as not to alert the girl of their true intentions... you'll always refer to them as this "nice guy"...

Evolved Advanced platomon(Lv30-50)
they are very close to you now... they call you every night and day, and always seeks an activity to do together... they offer to buy you stuff... give you treats.. and goes out with you on unplanned "dates"(eat after school lah! etc).. they have enough power and influence to gain a new attack technique now... it is "poison" it requires 30 energy points... It is mainly a defensive maneuver... to protect their position as the main male figure in your life... they make fun and criticise potential suitors or boyfriends... reducing the other guy's chances drastically! A truly powerful technique...

Evolved Master platomon(Lv 50-80)
they dictate your life now, most probably, they have probably confessed their feelings... and you feel indebted to them for all theyve done for you.. they now go out with you on planned dates... they know most of your secrets and you feel comfortable enough to hug their arm, if not their torso... they buy you stuff, attend events together, demand to support you if you participate in anything and the treats come more frequently... you feel inclined to protect them in face of criticism from (most probably) a boyfriend, steady or courting... Key phrase.."we best friends only what!"

GrandMaster platomon(Lv 80-99)
they are at the peak of their powers... they have made you feel like you love them... you are taken in by the romantic idea of love blossoming from friendship and you confess your feelings to him too.. you guys are a few steps short of becoming a couple, your friends and family are already referring to them as your boy friend, especially your mom and you secretly smile at that idea... they spend almost every minute with you and their name occupies every ounce of memory in your handphone message inbox... they have managed to block all male advances and eradicated all threatening(to them) male presence in your life...

Ultimate platomon(Lv 100)
they are your boyfriend, the pride and aspirations of every platomon.. they are the role model for every fledgling platomon.. their course of actions are made templates by other platomons who wish to evolve to this level... they are legendary creatures and would have probably known you for more than 2 years by now... they have achieved their objective and you wish for a long and lasting relationship with them * results may vary

*special thanks to imran, zainal and khairul for providing information on platomon behavioural patterns...

me and the other "soccer rejects" decided to play soccer today... the previous day, mr ram forbade us to join the soccer team for training! He even chased us away with his annoying new catch phrase.." bye bye!" (say it in an obnoxious, heavy accented and over-confident way)... then we played with the year ones who were already playing there... and we joined them, apparently they seem to be greatly impressed by us... the comments that followed included, "wah, you guys in soccer ah?", "wah you guys good siak!', "wah, you guys have been playing since young ah?", "wah, skill siak!".. haha... my ego expanded ten fold today... we went home with a smile...a very big one... and once again... i was asked that ever so favorite question.. "oh, why arent you in the school soccer team?"... i hate this question... to guys and people who have watched me play... i say... "oh apparently im not good enough...", every word dripping with sarcasm... everytime id draw a laugh... they'll know the damned coach is a blind asshole more interested in someone who is, i quote, "shows respect to the coach and captain", "not a primadonna" etc and more horse shit.. I wouldnt be all that if they were'nt so lousy in the first place... haha... And when girls(mostly) ask me innocently why im not in the soccer team... i be rendered speechless... and then i wax lyrical about the issue of me not being selected because the coach... to them, it comes across as sour grapes... i see that look in their eyes... i hate that... it makes me sad and angry.... the only way i could prove to them is to play a match in front of them.. haha... but that'll be so desperate... and such a way to be a loser... damn... haha... then ill be presenting to them the fact that i was in a club to subtly say.. "hey im good ok! if not i wont be selected by a club!" haha... i dont wanna be thought of as a sore loser... i really dont... i guess this will haunt me for as long as i live....

dear diary, today, this cute guy kinda looked at me, i think he likes me... tee hee... haha... i feel like a schoolgirl when im writing this blog.... so fun... so exciting... today was a weird day for me... i managed to trick my "oh-im so great cos ive got a degree and i was an ASP in prison once with 250 staff under me!!!" home tutor... I preyed on the human need for empathy with him when he asked me why i forged my fathers signature for this form... I brought up horse crap about me being truly stressed, not being able to meet and experience the love and attention of a father with the packed schedules the both of us had to go through... And he fell for it, now i feel bad... haha... I guess i am evil and cunning but i had to make the bugger think of me as something else than this unneccesary troublemaker, intentionally rebelling against the school system just because i want to... The truth is im not... The thing is, only in JI or MI(Toh tuck Campus) that the teachers gossip about students, pick on students over the stupidest of reasons(wah morning always drink milo!-mr ram), practise carefully selected friendship with underlying motive.. etc If you practise this kind of culture here, you deserve to get dissed... Im sorry im not like the rest of em obedient children who suck up to you and follow your dictatorship... i am destined to be hated yet still being respected throughout the school... people fear me as i walk past, careful of how they act and talk... haha... i am king of my domain...

a stigma is attached to my physical appearance
like some social halitosis that burdens
that i cant just scoff at or shrug off
do they expect me to display penitence?
in my confusion i feign apathy
can there be a cure for this indignity?

will i be plagued by flies while lying on my deathbed?
surrounded by delusional hallucinations of what they said?
the swatting of them by hand i try so desperately...
the futile attempts just sapping at my life energy...
praying to the altar of any passing titan
to provide the vessel en route to the promised land
and hold on to the mast hoping i dont let go
an illegal stowaway , i stoop so low
such is my desperation for acceptance
that i would fake that much sought redemption

and from my perch i observe
the lunar scenery seems to move and swerve
as if it were watching
as if it were following
everything rises from nothing
and so does the feeling of unique-ness
but i am the ignorant leading the blind
to be that cruel and unkind

Ive always been subjected to comments like "immature" or "mengarut" and after countless instances of this type of verbal abuse, ive grown numb to it... Now this is gonna turn into a platform for bragging, my bragging, but i feel that i have a right to... I mean, how many times have i started jokes that are recycled over and over again, that same joke running rampant throughout the whole school... I feel its a form of plagiarism because of the guys who do it to impress girls *cough*dikirboys*cough* and the girls actually laugh at the quote theft being performed... to these dikir advocates, the dikir boys were the ones who started it, they are the ones who are cool, we are the followers... frankly.. what the heck? These same girls are the ones who deem us immature and "mengarut siak!" and its flattering that they are complimenting us indirectly... Because to those people who know the truth... they'll say stuff like, "wah.. now everybody is saying (insert the started joke here)". Its sick that we dont get the credit, but to be criticised for it is even worse... A friend of mine went to a dikir barat barbecue event once, and all those quotes, jokes and one liners were used over and over again... It was definitely amusing to hear that, because it reveals the hollow shells of boredom they truly are... they would be nothing without, of all things, the very thing they frown at, words that come out of our mouth... I dont mind them using them though, what my grouses are is that we dont get the credit and respect that we deserve.. I dont feel appreciated, the only time i do is when girls call me over, just to, i quote them, "entertain us(them)"... yeah i feel a bit used, but i also feel appreciated, cos they recognise the source of all the revolving humor and lap it up like thirsty camels at an oasis... All i have to say is that... In reality, these guys would, stink of everything that is fake, and we,the "immature delinquents" reek of awesomeness...

Theres a Jurong FC trial this weekend, on the same time Ramlan's team is having a match.. He has invited me to play and i cant let him down... Such is the dilemma im in... But theres no guarantee ill be selected like in the Woodlands wellington trial last year though... I felt so happy then.. An attempt to impress a girl made me realise the true extent of my abilities... hehe... Of course it gave me bragging rights for a few months after that... haha... Maybe its not that important to prove my ability by re-entering the prime league... Who would care anyway? Its always been my dream though to be a footballer... but i guess ill have to give it up... Ramlan's team is good enough and they play better than some prime league clubs... The opposition can also include NFL players or the odd S-league player... I guess its almost like playing in the prime league... minus the training and loud coaches... but think of all the girl groupies ill be missing! hahaha... just kidding... Ill just continue playing for Ramlan's team, or as they call themselves, The United Rangers... Theres a lot that can be learnt playing with them, the last man is ex-S-league material and Ramlan himself is good enough to walk into an S-league of NFL club i guess... Im just honored they find me good enough to call upon me regularly... Maybe me and my best friend are just fated to this... Not realising our full potential? Maybe... but having fun and experiencing the true passion of the game... Yes, truly....

i was kinda in a cheerful mode when suddenly i had an extreme mood swing, i read that it happens to all creative people, because of their many self-esteem problems... I was kinda elated and all, after doing some writing and drawing, then she had to make me think hard... i was all on meeting her and passing her the oh-so-expensive present that she wanted... then she said she didnt want to meet me... yeah i was disappointed, but i tried to feign nonchalance and pretend it was ok... sometimes i think she doesnt love me... i try to make her happy, but most times, she doesnt even express gratitude at what i do for her... Is she taking me for granted? or is she just inadept at displaying her true emotions? I feel like its a one sided thing, i dont feel appreciated, although i did have a talk with her about this... But then again... Nah, maybe shes just tired and all, from running around doing chores? yeah i prefer to think that way... I guess ill just shrug it off, hoping it'll get better someday...

I had a conversation recently... She asked me if soccer is really that important... And i thought about it, yeah maybe its not... But its one of those things that has kept me sane in this unrelenting system of achieving academic success... If you are good at something, you feel special cos its counted as a talent... And talent is what everybody wants... So in that sense, i feel i have something everybody wants, i feel gifted and blessed... And the praises that i get serve to bring me higher above the clouds, where i achieve temporary nirvana... hehe...I guess thats why we keep doing things we are good at and aim to improve at it... I admit that playing soccer, drawing and "photoshopping" has brought that feeling of uniqueness in me and it prevents me from slipping into depression where "nobody loves me" and all that horse crap... hehe... Maybe im not the best in what im good at, but at least im good enough to draw praises from friends, opponents and spectators... And im proud of that, because i have worked hard for it... Of course other people do other stuff to get that same feeling, joining dikir barat? getting into a relationship? i dunno... hehe... And of course, proficiency in these aspects of our lives commands respect from our peers... We are deemed cool enough to move into the upper strata of teenage society.. hehe.. where we hope we'll be popular....

god, is this mushy stuff or what.. haha... such is the mind when in love.... hehe....

Monday was the day society stirred, switching back to the humdrum of work mode.The migraine-inducing ringing of the alarm clock insisted i join the rest of the drowse-filled zombies. I hated the cabins filled with grunting labourers on their way to work, and how it jerked and creaked incessantly as i try to read the morning paper, also not forgetting the annoying generic announcements that nobody listened to.
Of course something always perked me up. The something was a she. She sauntered through the sliding door with the air-con blowing in her hair and face. I almost imagined the angels singing as time slowed down at that exact moment i turned to face her. I suffocated in the presence of her beauty, the music on my earphones changed to the song 12.51 by the strokes, the beats quickened in tempo along with my heartbeat. I struggle, trying to be subtle in movement so as not to attract her attention, the effect she had on me. And so i made a wish, a wish to be granted by the stars who favored me ever so often.
The wish came true, i always believed in the stars. Every minute i cherish, every smell i held dear, every physical embrace i smiled at. Everything about her is so easy to love, can our souls intertwine? Like mine did once before? I want to give her the bliss that she deserves. I pray she doesnt develop resistance to me, like so many have done before, when they saw how close i got to them in that short a time. A blessing turning into a curse. I am grateful i have her now, maybe im blessed, because i feel blessed. I truly love her i feel, a feeling that overwhelms my senses ever so often and makes me leap in delight. Haha. May this feeling and her never go away...

that poem was written for this special girl, jannah... to display my sincerity.... well... hope you like it...

i found lyrical poetry
to alleviate grief and misery
and that in rhyme
i archive time

you make me write about you
about what i'd like to do
im just tracing the chronological tale
it writes itself like wind blowing on a sail

they say my head's not right
and yet you still want to be by my side
and sometimes i wonder what you see
in the hulk of imperfection which is me

in your eyes, i see your insecurities
unable to commit fully to me
and i know how you feel
you arent just my giving in to the seventh sin

you are my paper airplane of hope and delight
and i shall be the wind that keeps it in flight
and in my sacrifices do i not prove
my sincerity? apologies do nothing but soothe
my wounds as you frequently challenge my integrity
and i shall weep in masculine secrecy

jannah, the name summons a smile out of me
and those dreams come in twos and threes
where i fear of losing you
that you would not love me too
can the saviour be for real?
will i ever ever heal?
and now i look to your touch
my new obsession, in its absence i miss so much

i wanna look into your eyes
as i hold you at my side
but i am in every way impaired
that miracle hasnt come yet

i would say i love you
and long for that desired response too
but i dont know what love is yet
maybe ive always been searching for that
how do you know if its love?
and not just yourself forced to think that it is?

but whats most evident and shall not wane
is that this torrent of emotions runs through my veins
and everywhere i turn, the name "jannah" greets me
and it rides the waves of my heart beat
sailing in the wind of my breath
i am glad the two of us met...