a random piece.. trying to sum up how a relationship can perform a "pirouette" into something ugly with one fucking line.. "sometimes those eyes forget to be so beautiful"


(thanks fauzi from camp for scanning it in for me)

This post is dedicated to my best ever marmalade-smothered-marshmallow-sweetie platonic friend, Zainal...

Right now.. our relationship is blossoming ever so sweetly with me keeping his hopes up constantly by periodically demanding treats and gifts.. To eternally attach him to me in hopeless yearning.. I tell him... "zainal.. if the both of us are still single at the age of 30.. lets marry each other" to which he agrees... Even though im making use of him, playing around with his feelings and going out with other guys.. i think its ok because he is my best friend.. I can talk about anything with Zainal!

If i could use a parallel in pop culture to make you guys better understand our relationship.. he would be MY HORNY PIKACHU... mmm...




i still remember the first days in school ... when we first met each other... and how shy zainal was... everytime i was around.. he would quickly turn his back on me and pretend to be incognizant of my presence.. only responding when i called out to him in my sweetest voice...



that was how i knew about his crush on me.. teehee...

Zainal tried many ways to win me over..
Once.. he tried to flash his bling bling and what not to me.. Thinking that i was some sort of materialistic bitch..



but no.. i just wanted his soul.. oops i mean his guaranteed company..

sometimes .. zainal writes emo-gothic poems on his blog about how he feels trapped and depressed with regards to this relationship...



to which i bitch-slap him back to his pathetic reality,which was serving me as an emotional absorbent pillow.. i mean! like hello! youre friends with me! a hot girl! lots of guys would kill to be in your place! so... i ranted and raved about how guys needed to get a period in order to understand what girls go through! bleaurgh!

after a few years of giving him blue balls... he tried to pull a trick on me!
oh my! he dressed up as a girl and tried to peep at me in the girls locker room!!!



i caught him waxing the dolphin and volleyed him in the face with my forehead..
but i forgave him so i could continue leeching on his soul...

so now.. our relationship is going pretty well... he is serving his National service.. always pining for me... while i have fun with other guys which he totally understands and approves of.. what a buddy! With about 80% of his paltry monthly salary.. he takes me out on "platonic dates" and dreams about us being married someday but he keeps it bottled up inside because he is "afraid of ruining a great friendship!"

I miss you Zainal!!! **HUGZZZ***

The other day, I was walking around in this CD shop around town, called the Gramophone, just killing time and browsing along in the midst of taking a break from extensive touring AND filming simultaneously (its hard imagining yourself being a rockstar and an avant-garde actor as well, though thats besides the point) when I noticed a familiar face at the corner of the easy-listening area, crouched at a spot and headbanging under Europe's "The Final Countdown" album banner ( a classic masterpiece if ever there was one). He was poised, had a look of determination and semi-ecstasy written all over his cute face, and gradually, images of that familiar sight came flooding back to me like the currents of a stream in the dawn of a storm the night before... He stood up, turned round, and instantly.. i recognized him..





EZWAN!!! SO CUTE!!!!


YES! It was my long lost childhood mate, whom I hadn't seen in ages ever since I graduated from Al-Iman Kindergarten, though I was a tad jealous that he was still as cute and adorable as before, still the cuddly Elmo that we adore, but though his features didn't differ much, something told me that he was a changed person..


That... that image on his chest proved to be the giveaway.
Ezwan no longer listens to the "Elmo Song", he now rips bloodcurdling solos on his Fender and screams out "Stil loving you's" at the top of his lungs while wearing a jockstrap which saddles his balls so that they won't fall off from all the rocking going on..

I looked down, closed my eyes, and a silent tear rolled from my cheeks , as I remembered those fun days we had as kids..

You see, we were pretty lively kids, and we spent our times together almost everyday, the whole gang of us, terrorizing the other kids in our school cause we kicked so much ass that even our teachers had to pacify us by giving more servings of those deliciosly creamy "Dumex" powdered milk in recognition of our coolness.

And we didn't need to wear uniforms. We walked around in our favourite suits of the most dapper character we could imagine, such as Spiderman, the Ninja Turtles (Khai Azmas booked liao), Superman, the Avengers , nabeh cheebye Ah Meng (Zabid), and well, you get the idea, and Ezwan used to wear that cute Sesame Street uniform on weekdays..but on weekends, when we go to parties, he would take on a whole new persona altogether, one which made me drool just thinking of it, he was so greeny that you wanted him along with your peas, and not that soggy thing called a spinach.. He was..











A TELLYTUBBY! HOW ADORABLE CAN THAT BE? (Excuse the person on the left, that's just Imran on patrol duty.)


I wanted to do a fellatio act on my brain by imagining even more childhood fantasies, but those dreams were suddenly jolted by the perpetual whistlings by Ezwan, doing the whistle solo bit of the Scorpions' "Winds of Change". And so, me being brought back to the harsh realization of the truth, had a nervous chat with him, as I asked about the other guys of our childhood Mafia, on how they were doing, all grown up now..


Ezwan informed me, albeit in between "White Lion" falsettos, that four of the childhood friends had gone together to form a post-grunge white trash metal psychedelic emo-punkish part-goth outfit called "Cardinal Sins of The Most Unholy Kind As A Result Of Not Licking Ahmad Farid's Cute Excuse of An Ass" and promply whipped out a group photo of the band at the zenith of their ascension up the music scene.. I took a look at it, and began to sob uncontrollably..








"Cardinal Sins of The Most Unholy Kind As A Result Of Not Licking Ahmad Farid's Cute Excuse of An Ass"



From left:

Yazid aka "Intestine Baalism" (electric guitar, sitar & er hu),

Zainal "Necromantia" (screeching vocals dripping with emo like Force Vomit, xylophone & Spanish guitar),

Ridzal "Impaled Nazarene" (bongos & maracas)

& Ezwan "Luciferion" (piccolo , harp & acoustic guitar) (don't ask me why he's grabbing his crotch)


I cried not because they had somehow turned into crazy rockers who ferment from below to evolve into creatures of significance, which mutate into ecosystems complete with growth and death and doubt, forming eventually a meaning in terms of motion and strength that could be interpreted as will, appearing rarely in pure form until a conclusion is distilled in each chapter of this morbid and deranged output of thunderous metal ; but because I wasn't a part of this amazing mesh of incredible tapestry, and that I chose to live a 9 to 5 life, and to remain a slave in the relentless machinery of blindly serving the system, and not given a choice to think for self.

On the other hand, the
"Cardinal Sins of The Most Unholy Kind As A Result Of Not Licking Ahmad Farid's Cute Excuse of An Ass" were already going places, playing in full capacity arenas and festivals in Scandinavia, and touring extensively in Argentina to gain exposure for their latest album, entitled "Resurrection".



They even had the liberty to release a country off-shoot album while having a break in Tennessee, though that didn't go down too well with the locals

(Ridzal doing a trance-like Soya Bean Dance with a similarly clad Zainal in his undies in the background whilst Yazid plays guitar with his pants down & cowboy hat a la Bono)


Ezwan told me of the countless times when they got wasted after gigs after drinking too many Pocari Sweats mixed with Ben & Jerry "Durian Delights" ice-cream, often throwing up on stage to the delight of the fans who lapped it all up. He described to me of the carnival atmosphere of such fests, where fans dressed up in their best gear and partied till they ran out of cash and decided to go back to their mundane part-time jobs to obtain the cash to party again, or till they died from asphyxiation, whichever one came first. One basic dress-code adhered by those revellers was to don a party hat, it didn't matter if is of the wizard kind, or the medieval sort










A particularly popular one, in times of year end festivities, was of course a Santa hat, worn with such determination & confidence, and of course all worn in the manner of fun ..

BUT... Ezwan's voice began to trail off and wail uncomprehendable Gregorian Chants when I asked him about the band's future plans...

He revealed to me that ever since they got back to the country, fresh from their success of the assault of their quirky music, the different band members somewhat began to drift further away from each other, as they got disillisioned of selling out their music to the popular crowd, and be named in the same breath as Three Doors Down, Garth Brooks and *gasp* Ashlee Simpson.. Not wanting to be hapless victims of MTV sub-culture propaganda, each different member began to take his own direction... And that led to Ezwan crying out loud his version of Rick Price's "Heaven Knows" on his acoustic guitar, and buying Scorpions 30th Anniversary DVDs in music stores like Gramophone..

(to be continued..)

hahahahahaha

in addition to zainal joining to post on this blog, azmi will also be included after he finishes his jogging session at bukit timah hill... a new guy was also invited to post.. his name is muhajir and his job here on the blog is primarily as a cashier... i dont know why we need one.. but yeah..

a short introduction for him then...

muhajir feeds on plankton and keeps a red pouch on his abdomen to attract mates(puffed up for full effect).. i kept him in a fish bowl once, but he escaped by inciting a neon tetra revolution in the neighboring tank.. however orwellian, he installed himself as marine dictator and keeps a harem of snapping turtles now.. you horny piece of casserol you!

that was actually just my friendster testimonial for him... but it did the job didnt it? motherfuckers...

I was window shopping along Bugis Junction when i first met Ridzal and Azmi. Ridzal was trying on a pair of shades which accentuated his boyishly Bara/E.C kind of look and was asking Azmi for his opinion. Me,having like totally good taste,interjected and told Ridzal that he looked really good,kinda like that actor guy Mokhtar who played the lecturer in Bara and a few Suria telemovies. We then started talking about the things that really matter in life like where to get foundation for men,applying eyeliner around the nipples to avoid breast cancer(sure beats a mammogram) and how metrosexual we were in this time of grizzly bears breakdancingin the streets of Orchard Road. Ridzal told me he kept a blog (like all metrosexuals should.Like duh,girlfriend) where he articulated his innermost feelings. He then proceeded to invite me collaborate on his blog and i gladly accepted even though i'm aware that the sexual tension between us will one day erupt and destroy this beautiful platonic friendship we hold in high regard and will later be adapted into a romantic comedy starring Rob Schneider and Thomas The Toy Train Engine called Hand in Hand,Metrosexuals Can..(Fall In Love With Each Other).

I've always believed that,next to being a German porn star, music journalism's the most kick-ass job in the world and this blog will hopefully allow me to hone my chops for my future column in the most prestigious entertainment magazine in Asia; Lime Magazine.


Therefore before the whole hullabaloo over Singapore Idol dies down,i thought it would be appropriate for me to do a feature on Taufik Batisah,the first ever Singapore Idol.As i couldnt get Taufik Batisah for an interview with TotallyAwesomeDude,i decided that the next best thing was to get the perspective from the angsty urban streets of Singapore and i have decided to interview two intriguing characters that plays a big part in Taufik Batisah's success. One hates,the other one adores. What do we get when we put them in the same room?

He hates Taufik Batisah vehemently with the venom of cobra seasoned in the treacherous Amazon.Cold,calculating and crispy like KFC's fried chicken is how i would describe him when i first met him.He's working at Bukit Panjang NPC as an NS policeman and he wears his badge with the same pride that lesbians take in their pink triangle.

He refuses to give me his name and wants to be called "Mr.Kita activate budak-budak ah".

The other worships Taufik Batisah like he's the Laughing Buddha at Haw Par Villa which used to have this chinese restaurant which served really good suckling pig.The kind where there's an apple in the mouth of the pig and the skin is cooked to golden brown perfection and when you take a bite,the meat slowly melts in your mouth.

She wants to be known simply as "Chinese girl who like Taufik Batisah and voted for him so therefore this shows that racism don't exist anymore" but i think we could just call her Miss Not-Racist.

This was how the interview went.

Me: I saw this totally gorgeous top at Topman that looked fabulous on me and i bought a matching polka dotted lacy g-string to match with it until i realized that i already have one so i wanted to wrap it up so i could give it to ridzal on his birthday but azmi gave him a similar one last year........

Mr.Kita activate budak-budak ah:(cuts off my chatter) I came down here to give you my take on that wussy sonofabitch Taufik Batisah and his media-whoring crying in front of camera fake persona. Not to hear you talking about panties.

Miss Not-Racist: Thats why.

Me: Okay okay. what's wrong with a little digression to ease the tension.pfffftt...So ummm,Mister Policeman,when and why did you first hate Taufik Batisah and is it personal?

Mr Kita activate budak-budak ah: I knew a friend who was working at the same police station as another guy who knew Taufik at the Police Academy.He told me ah that ah Taufik was very how to say..like action ah after he won Singapore Idol and that he didnt want to talk to his police mates about how fun it was to nab underage smokers and then treat them like Charles Manson anymore.I belive that Taufik has become too big for his britches and that we as Malays and Muslims have a duty to boycott his album as my friend told me that his friend used to follow Taufik go clubbing at Wu-bar.

Me: But how can you verify that your source is telling the truth?

Mr Kita activate budak-budak ah: Oh..My friend told me that day at the mosque about his friend swearing on the Qur'an about Taufik Batisah going clubbing. And you just don't fuck with that,man.We're talking divine intervention shit right here.

Me:Oh.That's interesting.you have God on your side.Lets ask Miss Not Racist about her take on this. How do you feel about these Malay NS policemen trying to smear the name of the first Singapore Idol?

Miss Not Racist: Haiz. they all don't understand that last time Taufik wear Bata shoes only.

Me: So what is it about Taufik that prompted you to establish a pseudo-religious lesbian underage sex cult in his name?

Miss Not Racist: Because ah that time i went to watch him perform at Plaza Singapura..that time singapore idol quarter finals that time..and ah when he sing his eyes very nice.

Mr.Kita activate budak-budak: But he use his eyes to look at girls last time at Wu-Bar. you think we Malays no "adat" ah?!

Miss Not Racist: Dont talk about malay chinese ah. We vote for taufik that means we not racist what.

Mr.Kita activate budak-budak:We Malays very united one ah.If one person you chinese try to hurt,we all confirm come down one.

Miss Not Racist: Aiyah.I dont want to fight with you lah. All i know ah that Taufik is very cool one and his songs very nice even though the radio plays them excessively leaving me with no choice but to tolerate them lor.

Me: Before this interview gets out of hand,i would like to end it by signing off for now.Thank you both for your time.And i would like Taufik Batisahto know that despite the controversy,Zainal Abidin will always admire you for your bravery in facing totally baseless accusations made by envious strangers and having fans with totally bad taste in music.

I salute you.

After deliberating whether to post an explanation about my humor or not... i got lazy and decided to post a photo of me and my boo making silly faces at the camera instead..


"me and my boo making silly faces!"

yes, i grew so lazy that i morphed into a hot young pubescent girl then seduced Azmi to take cute and "silly" photos with me.. thats him in the mesh cap hugging my nubile little torso!

all this being soundtracked by zainal playing "tears in heaven" in the background with his guitar...

-Zainal playing tears in heaven-

"zainal shows us guitars and shirtless guys make the best visual stimulant"