Designer Diary 1

I felt that it is quite appropriate to showcase some of my art pieces which follow the ideal template of what ive been taught in school as part of the A level art curriculum..

I feel so artistic , creative and inspired when i did these pieces... and so i wish that you viewers would feel the same way i do! weeee... take me to those proverbial meadows my magical red shoes! and you must come too!


let my magical red shoes take me wherever my imagination wants to go! weeee!


First, i had to tackle the theme of "Friendship".. After a bit of pondering about how to go about presenting it... i realised that it would be very difficult because the slightest error could sway the viewer into interpreting it as the theme of "misshapen scrotums that i, the viewer would most like to fondle" Such was my situation.. but with careful research i managed to pull it off, much to the delight of my art teacher and mentor... The characters in the art piece were modelled after my two bestest friends.. Azmi and Yazid kerinting, with the same hairstyle and fashion sense.. Be prepared to get blown away...



"FRIENDSHIP"

The next theme thrown at me was equally hard, just when i thought that i had the worst behind me.. It was "Rejection".. I recalled the last time that feeling overwhelmed me.. yes.. it was when i was not selected for combined schools dikir barat first eleven.. tears welled up but acting swiftly, i channelled those emotions into creating my next piece...


"REJECTION"

Riding on the momentum of my two previous masterpieces, i undertook the task of presenting the perennial teenage cry for attention, identity, misshapen scrotums and how "life is so unfair!".. Yes.. it was "Angst"...


"ANGST"

Finally.. to top it all off... i give you my latest piece...


<"MAT SACHOK THAT I MET AT CHIJMES WHILE CLUBBING NAMED ZAINAL(ZAICHOK)"

experimentation of photoshop effects just for the sake of looking nice.. my protest to the formulaic, serious, "thematic concerns and interpretation" in a recommended embarrassingly- literal-kind-of-way of A level art..

*right-click the link(s) and open it in a new window so it wont interfere with your reading you dumb motherfuckers.. blearrgghh*rolls eyes*

Going home today, i got stuck in the same MRT carriage with a teenage girl squad
it reminded me of the time i myself was a tweenage girl, my life revolving around neoprint machines, fussing over the latest babydoll- dress designs and Jackie Cheung. Also, what was most significant in my tweenage years was puberty, tackling it, getting caught by mom when i was stroking myself while listening to evanescence(watch the whole scene Here .. dont worry its not porn) . It was so embarassing, you go girl! That was also the time when i got to know boys! but after highly productive discussions with my dear diary, i discovered they need help in understanding us girls! Hence, i have, for the good of women everywhere, written a manual for guys starting with deciphering the code of womens' dialogue patterns.

WORDS WOMEN USE
*****************************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument
when they are right and you need to shut up. (talk to the hand! you go girl!)

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five
minutes is only five minutes if you have just been
given 5
more minutes to watch the game before helping
around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means
"something," and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in
"Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh"
means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why
she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that
a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means
that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or
faint. Just say you're welcome.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about
future arguments they can avoid if they remember
the terminology!

its so easy... but guys are such monkeys! blearrgghh.. like talk to the hand! *rolls eyes*


*i got the dumb list from an email..

most blogs you read out there hold mostly anemic and vapid writing as its content. Yet, most blog-owners are proud of them like how my petulant grandpa is of his "top three varicose veins that most look like moses lim". Most entries detail the most mundane daily activities

"today i went to orchard with baby, so we walked to heeren then we walked to to taka and then we went home.. when i reached home, i sms baby and i was so tired!

*butterfly enigma bared her soul at 08:31 PM*"

while others use it to just bitch about

"dewi ingat dia lawa sangat, nak step lawa! tak guna punya pompuan! rampas matair orang lain! pelacur!

*roxygal made her confession at 05:14 PM*"

I wondered what made them write this way.. were they half asleep when in the process of updating their blogs?



or were they simultaneously watching balding-middle-aged-men(mat botak patchy patchy) porn that they werent that focussed on what they were writing cos they preferred to watch the porn instead?hmmm...



After some blog-hopping and adjusting the sock wrapped around my testicles, i realised that blogs were the next best thing to mind reading! Yes, and with the proliferation of blogs, more and more people were getting their minds exposed for all to see. Sensing a conspiracy, i pointed the finger accusingly at those nyonya assasins i had seen riding around in their dirtbikes wielding katanas in dominatrix-themed leather even though they werent related to this topic in any way. Were they weeding out future ninjas? Were they scouting for new nyonya recruits? Every nyonya assasin i tried to approach has intimidated me with their murderous stares..




Such tigerish appearances scared even me, a ninja, a premature evolution of humankind into homo superior.. what more normal homo sapien law enforcement officers i thought.. It would do no good if i reported this..



(done in the style of those dropped diaries/journals in games like resident evil)

gauge yourself on the morality spectrum
to phase into that retrospective mood
gathering "that fixity of thoughtfulness present in a child who has felt the pricks of life before his time"*
you will be alright.. my beautiful...
to hold myself guilty for your plight
and to write.. to engage myself in contemplation..
those words, they bleed.. in a crimson cry for absolution..


*i got that quote from Jude the Obscure

recently, Juramang in all eagerness, forwarded a friendster profile which was named 'anti MnMs'.. curious, i read through it and the plethora of bullshit testimonials(a feature of friendster) that was written, "in support" of this movement, to attack mats and minahs, even 'to be EXTERMINATED ' as a clearly enraged 'Syafiq' explicitly proposed. Impressed by the way they thought up their testimonials, the channeling of pure hate towards constructing "rhymes" with vacuous articulation of their angst. One particular chap going by the name of 'punkrocker' displayed aggressive resistance in allowing the 'MnMs' into their hoi polloi. Acting with the zeal that was present in an "overseer of everything cool" (and bagedel), he preached about the infiltration of these MnMs into the sacred dojo of manufactured cool as seen on MTV. According to him, they

'Steal our mohawks,
steal our studbelts,
They got no originality,
Trying to steal our style.

Now they go jamming,
I dont know wat they play.
They cant be playing techno,
cause that music is for gays.'

i was struck down by the impact of his "illest rhymes" because if destructive rancor was his left hand and calm, 'modernist'- influenced lyrical composition his right.. he was ambidextrous in delivery. I had no choice but to be swayed by his powerful words which reasonate deep within my soul like how you would feel stroking yourself while listening to Evanescence..

He had succeeded in making me his follower, with his tousled, shoulder length hair, somewhat Bohemian goatee and the electric guitar he lugged around while listening to Linkin Park's 'Papercut' on his mp3 player, he represented, to me.. the transcendence into maturity that will aid us in our "progressive society".

I learnt the art of acting cool and looking emo through him, until i realised that these people were all the same.. especially with the people they criticise..


I practised my 'muka emo' religiously


If the myriad of concepts or trends such as 'abang abang mod' and all this tappered crap were religions that people eagerly subscribe to, they would all be denominations of one particular faith = bullshit. The same kind of bullshit that u see when tae-kwon-do classes invade street soccer courts which are the only places kids can go to now they have installed nails at the void decks of flats to discourage soccer and ultimately ..FUN...


TOTALLY WAH PIANG EH!!!!

http://friendster.com/testimonials.php?uid=7957002 <--check it out here

With patriotic pride and pathfinding genius, I have come up with an idea that will take the world by storm.. Inspired by Zainal's lifelong obsession of trying to play grab-ass with David Yeng, the idea of butt apartments was born..
The idea is simple, create a butt(cheek) to act as living quarters for a single person, perfect for the bachelor/ hitchhiker/ student who lives far away from school(Khairul Azmas)
Using technology from the pokemon series where huge monsters can fit inside small fist-sized pokeballs, you can now fit inside a single butt-cheek! Its exciting because it has the potential to solve Singapore's land problems and provide "butt landlords" with additional income, contributing to the nation's economy(if enough butt landlords are allowed to lease out their butt apartments).


The Anatomy of a Butt Apartment


Butt tenants like my friend Khai would be elated in his acquisition of the first few butt apartments because it is a landmark in human history. Khai has chosen a butt landlord ( from a catalogue detailing apartment characteristics such as girth and water retention) who lives in Bukit Batok because his school is nearby.. Now Khai eliminates the time needed to travel tiring distances (from Bt Batok to Pasir Ris) in his daily routine, hours more to devote to his usual fun gym - going activities..

"I Swear by MY butt apartment... "

isnt this neoprint we took cute? hengggcute eh! best friends forever! take neo print together!!!

"diorang tak ingat tau hari akhirat
(eh kata members, sama sama ah menum todi dok)
takde adat sebab tak nak join dikir barat
(aku ngah buat kerja ngan chicks ah, jangan sibok!) "


look at the juxtaposition of their sinful indulgences with their pretentious self exaltations.. i just realised that i simply rock BYATCH!!! woah.. dizzying discovery...

To be enslaved by you...

weep for the illusioned faith
grab your AK-47 and join the angry mob
hide your inadequacies and keep them safe
present to them perverted truth

sneer at my maculate self
grown callused by constant natter
bespangled in sequinned hell
pretend to be in discourse with the mad hatter
just so i can avoid your bulshit


people are swayed towards popular consensus , make up something about me
to distract them from your inadequacies and insecurities.. Then you'll be happy...
then you'll get what you want.. right....

This girl ah like that one ah, good ah, and then hengcute ehh.. wah lau whey.. like that where can.. i very the jeles.. Wah piang! so chio one to the very max! haha never say cannot right? cannot chio mah? but not chio as me because we in the chio club in school! because i am baby chio(cos i more kawaii mah) and then she sporty chio(cos she a bit flat one)haha.. When she last time come to class, i thought she model liaozz.. wah but dunno la see how oso i got her now.. so like that can ah i like one.. She actually quite popular oso in school leh.. but now see who got her one? of course me la.. Wah lau still dunno..



*now add this to end with a bang*
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LOVE IS HERE!

(translate = im a superior motherfucker or at least i think i am and you guys deserve to rot under my feet because i got the hottest girl in school and you guys can kiss my shiny inflated ass! Im actually posting this testimonial for my own self-promotion so better read it twice or thrice!)


-although i deserve to be jabbed in the arm with an overdose of tranquilizer for posting this testimonial, you guys will love me for it cos its just so fucking sincere! Ke'ai eh!



Now one that will appeal to the rap freestyler/ religious zealot in you..

aku ngan dia dah lama berkawan
kita in the club beb!
group dikir lain tak boleh lawan
masok neraka lah diorang nyer nasib!

diorang tak ingat tau hari akhirat
(eh kata members, sama sama ah menum todi dok)
takde adat sebab tak nak join dikir barat
(aku ngah buat kerja ngan chicks ah, jangan sibok!)

wo wo! in the club! wo wo! check it out!
wo wo! diorang nak have fun je! wo wo! sapa nak preserve malay tradition cam kita?
wo wo wo wo wo!!!

To all my homies!!!!


Happy about the testimonial feature in Friendster.com, ive decided to write one or two that applies to everybody so i can just cut and paste.. anybody can if they want to really..

i knew a girl
she stole the stars
left the world bereft of hope
invaded by a pervasive anxiety of the future

all triumph over the past
fade away as feeble memories
constellations fed our mind with dreams
now decrepit, in misfortunate stasis

our aspirations die in a government basement
comply and affirm do not meander
we are all expendables, perishables
do not bother with my mental tempests
let the doleful hymns waft through the ash columns of my escapist sanctuary..

"Ill fade away into a mere cipher, transparent in this stratification of teen society"
what everybody is afraid of?

Ive always had this condition, so that rules out it being retribution, divine,karmic or otherwise. The condition being myasthenic, how all my life ive always wondered why i couldnt look at the world's beauty properly, how i couldnt experience the visual treats.. Ive always envied those with large eyes, wishing that i could just get a minute in to just look at life through those eyes.. i know how everybody always wished they were someone else, but i only wanted somebody else's eyes, for once being able to open my eyes fully and just look at stuff like a normal person would.. So i often retreated in my own escapist sanctuary, created through the written and drawn form of art.. The diagnosis revealed that a big part of the problem lies in my blood, i had too much antibodies.. As a result, they attacked and screwed up the chemical connections between the nerve and muscle.. Its funny to think that something thats supposed to help you can destroy you.. The glee i got from being exempted for most of the immunisation clinics like the BCG especially with the ominous several month-ed prelude to it was shortlived because its the same condition that will bother me endlessly through the years.. Being "over-protected" meant that i'd be less susceptible to illness and of course not needing the numerous immunisations, but it also caused sudden fatigue to my bodily muscles(sometimes being uncontrollable like the jaw hanging open) and the chronic eyelid dysfunction.. The diagnosis sounds like im some kind of homo sapien superior, but the effects made me feel sub-human..By the age of sixteen, i had grown blase to the somewhat omnipresent question of why i look sleepy all the time.. the psychologically painful condition was there all these years, it was just bearable, and now when it becomes this bad, my perpetual denial of being part of sub-human kind had to end as the doctor shoved reality into my face.. In the words of a myasthenic, "My mother always said the key to success in life was to open your eyes and keep your mouth shut, but now i cant even do both" a submerged destiny that has met with its tragic promise..

an example how it has degenerated me to a gollum-grade psycho..

«Ninguna mente extraordinaria está exenta de un toque de demencia»

volume maximum, validate this declaration
aristotlean logic for motivational provision
"no extraordinary mind is free of a touch of insanity"
but only the noble for heraldry
i bear arms only to police

turn to us who spout incomprehensible gibberish
exploit the masses by being rhetorically coquettish
then sic the moralist hordes upon us
play on the warped meaning of trust
berate us, for being artfully knavish
stop us! our nefarious schemes
accuse us, of sinister machinations
pigeonhole us with the demented abominations

turn away, never look to the ninja muscle
join dikir barat instead to be normal
philistines , society's cancer
plebeian disgrace, traitor to the supreme emperor

pseudo-righteous emblazonment on your faces
all just facades,hypocrisy and double-standards
ill kill you all, bring me my tommy gun
shoot holes in your alcoholic gullet
here mr feigned piousness, bite my heathen bullet!
just kidding, ill just burn your mother
oh its just as bad? but she looks like moses lim in drag
maybe just lather you till she kowtows to me and begs
hahaha.. sadistic fantasy, dont mind me..
ill morph back from my bestial form, dont worry...

Zaidon(an amalgamation of the names, Zainal and Zordon) celebrates in a cute or kawaii-giggling-japanese-schoolgirl kind of way as the zeo megazord triumphs over evil alien forces who possess superior space-age technology but communicate through the primitive act of squawking or the more popular keeping mum yet again.. While i (in yellow looking ruggedly-handsome in a pirate-ish sort of way) ponder over the next generation zord chassis designs to draw up.. to ensure the survival of earth and its inhabitants..


Zeo Megazord
When things get too tough for the Zeo Zords, they can combine and form the Zeo Megazord. Usually in warrior mode with the Zeo V battle helmet, the Zeo Megazord can wear the helmet of the other four Zeo Zords as well. The Zeo Megazord presumably remains in storage in the Zeo Zord holding bay.
source: http://www.rangercentral.com/prz-zd-zeo.htm

*just kidding, this photo was snapped at the recent platform4 rapping competition by a guy called freakyZ where zordon oops i mean zainal got into the grand finals.. hoorah..

Zordon
Being trapped in a time warp doesn't stop this wise old sage from fighting evil. He gathered together the Rangers and has guided them since day one in protecting the planet from aliens. Zordon sacrificed his life to destroy the evil forces attacking the universe in Power Rangers in Space.
source : http://www.rangercentral.com/prz-allies.htm

Zordon teaches us that possessing a dumb face in a holographic tube doesnt stop you from being famous.. You'd have fans making an anthology of your epigrams and dressing up as you during halloween.. Floppy haired tweenagers would strain their throats to mimic your deep-droning voice dripping in machismo to impress their buck-toothed girl friends.. Growing up idolising zordon means that my scrotum takes after him.. and i envy it/him/her for that.. for once.. i'd like to be bald, grey(sometimes a pale shade of blue), transmitting my suspiciously gay face onto a holographic tube and become an overlord to the power rangers where the fate of humanity rests upon my holographic scrotum thats bundled up in a holographic sock.. kinda like Zainal's day job..


Shes just here to entertain.. or would you rather one more pic of Zordon?


and now to prove that i dont look like zordon...


... and how zainal does...

I ran into the bathroom cubicle expecting to take a piss when i heard some mumbling.. "menyek menyek menyek" i thought some giggling teenage schoolgirl had smuggled herself in since their vocabulary was the same.. what with their much emphasised about self-discovery and in the process realising that their names are actually abbreviated from something like Judiee-Pooziee(which would be some form of declaration that "im-so-cute-cos-i-bastardise-my-name-teehee").. back to the cubicle... i couldnt find the schoolgirl who i assumed would have most probably have been attracted by my ruggedly-handsome charms.. so i unzipped my pants, ignoring the menyek-menyeks and found the source of the mumblings.. my buah pley(scrotum) was trying to talk to me.. in a deep, sensual but not too sultry kind of voice(kind of like a cross between ruben studdard and zordon from power rangers), he just wanted to say hi and had come up with a theory to why ive been afflicted by the accursed condition.. It would most probably been divine intervention since i was getting too cool for my own good.. thereby upsetting the coolness equilibrium in the world.. I gasped at the inequity.. i pitied the rest of humankind for not being as cool as me.. The unequal distribution of cool suddenly became apparent.. The bestowed coolness on the ninja muscle... and the disparity between us and the commonfolk was great.. too great.. and it was still growing.. I thanked my buah pley and did manage to talk for a bit, went on a few dates and eventually he gave me that "we are more than friends but less than a couple".. to which i gave him an uppercut of "talk to the hand.. you go girl!" and topped it off with a roundhouse kick of "we girls dont need men!".. I emerged out of the cubicle an "independent woman, biatch!!!".. then i realised.. this story is totally cool.. to the point that people would draw faces on their scrotums with markers to pretend they could talk with it just so they can tell a similar story.. woah..

Rock Star Syndrome?
..and then i entered the arab-themed cafe holding hands with my male partner(Zainal) just to see some kind of reaction from the other patrons.. We sniggered discreetly as we continued the act till the point we sat at our table.. With all eyes firmly on us, a chuckle escaped as i tried to bring it further by pretending to passionately make out.. We burst out laughing in front of the bewildered crowd, amused by our antics although i caught a few furrowed eyebrows.. We grinned like monkeys, did a 360 degree rotating move while humming techno tunes, spontaneously conjured up and threw in lyrics in some foreign language to boot..
Then we nearly fell into a conversational rut till i brought up the question of why we acted this way.. always.. how we dont follow the prescript of acceptable conduct and are attention seekers of the worst kind.. how we behave not to look cool/sachok/berg but just to annoy and get some sort of reaction from people.. then get addicted to it..
We concurred that it must be some kind of syndrome and then proceeded to name it the Rock Star Syndrome primarily to make it sound as cool as possible.. To name it that based on the fact that we do not display the conventional decorum that would be most socially acceptable.. The only diference being that we shy away from the shindigs and alcohol indulgences although we do have a stable of groupies at our beck and call.. haha.. woo..
We noticed a collective of individuals at the opposite table clearly unamused by our behaviour.. Their facial expressions said a thousand words, using my talent for reading facial expressions i managed to discern some sort of meaning to all of them.. It was something like.. 'Dont these guys abide to the unsaid but understood ordinance of "jangan malukan nama melayu"? Look at us.. we are exemplary models of our race, we wouldnt look foreign in the cast of Bara! Hmmph! Im in half a mind to berate them for their childish actions! They should act their age, like us! Right now lets just frown furiously at them and hope they get what we're trying to say! Everybody now!*Frowns*"
The barrage of passive disapproval made us grin wider as we rotated in our locked cross-legged positions to face them while smoking sheesha.. At this point of time, i noticed Zainal doing what he liked to do most, stroking himself.. which drew sighs of relief from the Bara group, cos at last, we did something they indulge heavily in.. So i kinda admired Zainal more after that, since i found out his idea of an introduction was, 'Hi, i like to stroke myself.. Can i be your friend?' At last i found out the real meaning of life, the reason for human existence, the noble drive to please everybody else but yourself(cept for the wanking part) through joining dikir barat, emulating a blatantly fake potrayal of polytechnic life from a drama series on TV and waiting for the day we die so we can realise all of this, then groan as some kind of lamentation when our hearts beat for the last time.. in all my uncouthly glory, ill have to say this to you..

like waves, death washes away creases in the sand
all the sandcastles tt we've built topple
all the holes tt we've dug to hide in are filled in
forget the ball-sucking past and smile at the necromancer that decides to interrogate the dead

A preview of my coming strip, "The Future is Man Boobs!"

Ive just been discharged from a week-long hospital stay and the doctors have indentified my condition as myasthenia gravis.. its something to do with the weakening of the muscle(s).. cos of nerve damage.. or something like that... its been a really tough time cos its affecting my vision and breathing.. im sorry i wasnt able to update my blog like ive promised some of you personally.. especially man-boob enthusiast, Suhana.. haha..
by the way, this is how i look like now..

to those who tagged..
thanks for the feedback, feel free to identify yerself.. cos im really curious.. but i dont quite get the part about 'macam bapak kau jugak' huh?

Ive been inspired by the blogskin art produced by such people like maystar.. Ive decided to try it out too..



'We Live in Never Neverland' cos we never grow up...

This bear looks like a stitched-up scrotum version of the frankenstein monster! Heck! Its as cute as ass!!!Woo!!! I wanna name it 'Hairy stitched up scrotum bear'

Evidence of the fantastic supernatural ability possessed by the ninja muscle



This is honorary sensei Khai levitating with my help..


This is Khai before he joined the ninja muscle...



So what are you waiting for? Join the Ninja Muscle now!

a thousand frowns face me
unable to discern abstrusest thoughts
trained to ostracise
fail only to learn, die only to give life
some subversive collective marked down
in its noble bid to amend faulty legislation
bigoted perspectives blur
and question this form of chivalry
fear of our unfathomed eyes
uncertainty of our dark unplumbed hearts

will you not fault me when i err
irritation through verbal locomotive
freeze my platform for fundamental liberties
and those guilty by association
repopulate the world for the anti-christ
conform to expectations, repent later
adhere to archaic ruling, i refuse
would you have preferred my death to this

for the "true" malay society that shuns me, blessed with 'adat', unlike me

Im in grouchy old man mode, where I bitch about certain issues while chewing on tobacco. As if the world wasn’t plagued enough by war, recession and dramas like Light Years, the dark lord Satan unleashed chain sms-es onto our lives. As equally irritating as their e-mail counterparts, these digitalised annoyance machines betray your hopes of proper communication with yer frens as you disappointingly read the chain sms which replaced the ‘hi, how you doin?’ that should have preferably been there. Usurpers of warmer and more meaningful communication practices in the form of proper conversation, it is another sign of the decadent mechanisation of human beings. What aggravates the irritability factor is that a threat be attached at the end of the vile messages, as if some wiccan rituals were performed just to conjure up this curse-attached sms in imperative duty to society and the telecommunication industry.
*in room with big sms-generating cauldron- ‘Thou’st invokes thee, Spirit that resides in cellular networks to lay waste to non-believers! Following these strict guidelines… If you send this to 1-5 person(s), you will experience 10 months of bad luck, If you send this to 5-10 people, you will blah blah etc… Thou offer'st thee the offals of ritualistic sacrifice through err USB connection O’ digitalised one’
Yes, hardly believable, so I came to a conclusion that the ones responsible for it must be the phone companies, forging a circulation system of irritating chain sms-es in a bid to boost business. Is there no end to man’s suffering? Wazzzaaaa…

my take on the issue of internet/blog censorship
Ronald and Joohdiey Hands Tothecheeks, superheroes with a twist

*note* amirul(the only guy in the strip without red ribbons on his head) is in no way a subordinate dog, he is just a cute model from school. . tee hee. . although the other two are really girls who put on make up. . thanks for posing guys..

Did she said that? oh yes she did!

i am he who writes incomprehensible gibberish
i am he who lights flaming sepulchers in your psyche
deity supremissimo of ninja chivalry
promiscuous criminal errantry
wanton transgressions in the cushion manner
heathenish fallacy, helenistic allusions
Ahmad Farid Evangelist Aryan, pioneer of Jeng Buah PLey hypnotic chant
nihilist notoreity, artful knavishness
nefarious scheming philistine, in utmost need of enlightenment. . .

welcome to my world, know me better will you? through the perspective of others. . .

I question the reason behind my feelings. .

will you cradle me when you are supposed to?
how can you, when you dont even know this truth?
strap me on a trebutchet aimed at despair
i masquerade, but do i leak till laid bare?

are you amused enough at my frequent repartee?
why am i impelled to write this piece of bad poetry?
you dont seem to fall for artful palaver
you wisely acknowledge the act of candour

why do i ask these questions and slip into a trance?
why do i recite a mantra to feign nonchalance?
albeit wordless, a silent bid, in solemn self entreaty
i wonder, i sigh, but i still breathe free. .

im risking revelation of a guarded secret as i write this. . but damn. . emo moments are emo moments. .

Several new religions appeared in Asia during the 20th and 21st centuries, these new beliefs primarily to respond to people’s changing spiritual needs, faced with rapid industrialisation, urbanisation and the import of Western customs. In recent times, these religions have begun to exert influence over many, particularly one, Ahmad Farid Evangelism.

The Second Messiah
This religion is monotheistic, with the sole belief in Ahmad Farid as a second Messiah but recognises other divine beings such as Hannan Hucknall( the goddess of rollercoasters/frizzy hair), Shikin (the goddess of butt acne and cellulite), Azura (benevolent goddess of “susu”) and Mr R*j ( demi-god of thick moustaches). The system is similar to the caste social structure, Holy men/girls with moustaches occupy the top rung,the most famous one being Sofinah, known for her erratic moustache growth, these men are the brahmins or nobility. The next and most important group is the warrior class, the ninja muscle, they are the true evangelists, pure of blood and extremely muscular. Selection often involves complex procedures and those few who get ordained are considered the equal of angels, mortal parallels of these ethereal entities. These muscular men don headgear and are zealots in protecting the interests of the Ahmad Farid ideology. The higher level ninja muscle, which would be the equivalent of seraph status in angel terminology, are Ridzal, Zainal and Azmi. The holy trio are immortalised after their efforts in vanquishing enemies of Ahmad Farid Evangelism. These ninja muscle wield mind-control-like powers over the numerous followers of the religion and like the apostles, chosen by Ahmad Farid himself, spread the teachings of this great religion.

Scene 1, setting- Neighborhood Gazebo
3 girls gushing about a new boyfriend.(complete with loose translations)
Mona : Wah matair kau baik dok!(wah your boyfriend is great dok)
Aminah : Sekzzz!!!(Sekzzz)
Zainab : Tu ah aku bilang kau dok!(that’s why, I tell you dok)
Mona : How is he?
Zainab : He is great, he knows how to treat a girl, he cares about me a lot, I can see that by the amount of calls and sms-es he left on my hp asking me whether ive eaten(u dah mamam?), what im doing(u ngah uat apa?), whether ive washed up or not and following that up with cute comments like “patut ah bau bantal!”(no wonder smell like pillow) and “eee bucuk!”(eee smelly)*but said in a cute way.
Mona : gosh! I wish I had a boyfriend just like him!
Aminah : Sekzzz!!!(sekzzz)

Meanwhile…
Scene 2, setting- Void deck
2 guys snorting(also complete with loose translations)
Ravi : Eh matair kau sekzzz dok!( eh your girlfriend sexy dok)
Haikal : Tu pasal aku pagi pagi dah jamah dok!( that’s why, I morning morning taste liaozzz dok)
Ravi : wah untung eh kau dok!favor ah dok!passing ah!apa lagi!(wah you lucky ah.do me a favor will ya.pass her to me ah.what you waiting for.)
Haikal : aku passing kau lepas aku dah puas ah! Kau jangan bilang kau dapat nombor dari aku ah!(I’ll pass her to you after im satisfied.But you don’t tell her that you got her number from me ah)
Ravi : Thanks ah dok! Ni baru members!(thanks.this is what I call a good friend)

This may have been exaggerated a bit but the main bullshit content is left intact. This was witnessed and now relayed in text and now provide commmentary on what is happening in teenage social circles today. The nonchalance displayed by the guys engaging in inappropriate conversation about the female of the species is ghastly. What is evident and disgusting is that they see no error in their ways as they do it over and over again so that they can boast and high-five each other about how they “dah jamah dah!” or have ‘tasted’ the female victims. The “passing” culture is alive and rampant among today’s youth , this is what the ninja muscle frowns upon and seeks to stamp out. Through mockery and parodying of “abang-abang passing” habitual practices and lingo, we attempt to ridicule them and garner support in the crusade for righteousness. . Similar to the Order of the Knights Templars during the Crusades in 1119, the ninja muscle has combined the religious vows of a monk(with the sole belief in Ahmad Farid, the second Messiah) with the warlike skills of a knight to produce loyal and true protectors of morality. .

And if the darkness befalls us, we shall look to the one, a seeming minion of inertia.But in actual fact, she picks up the crestfallen, who would have remained slothful and sullen, withdrawn from the world. She rights the creed that manifests in the doleful hymn they sing out loud, that dictates their lives, distress and torment terrible. She sweeps away their lamentations and engages in passive therapy that cleanses the soul, washing away the stain of sin and regret. She is celestial and a near-equal being to god that is Ahmad Farid, she is Hannan.

We’ve always been moved by love songs. Great love songs especially by simply red, trademark and 5566. Ive compiled the best lyrics from the greatest songs and put them together into a bit of poetry, also adding some cliches that tugs at our heartstrings and makes our eyes glaze over in bliss. But instead of writing it to/for a girl, im gonna write it for my buah pley(scrotum/balls).

Oh look at me for heaven’s sake (always use heaven cos its romantic,serious)
I love you like a fat kid loves cake (50cent-21 questions)
Oh please come back to me! (highlights your sense of loss)
Come into my arms don’t leave me! (just look at that bit of poetry!)
I am the moon and you are my star! (stars are always romantic too, serious)
In my heart, mind and lower abdomen you have left a scar! (excellent!)
Ill walk a thousand miles for you!
To show my love for your wrinkly skin so true!
But its like ive dropped the ball. damn im sorry! (ruben-sorry 2004)
And forgot your present on 14.02.03. damn im sorry! (ruben-sorry2004)
You know that you are my angel! (angels are especially very romantic!honest)
That we'd be together forever.
Oh I need you, you need me baby! (all this while holding yer loved one close, in this case my buah pley ah)
And my heart will go on and on.

Hahahahaha… grimace at nonsense at its worst, primarily, its to show how lame and cliched love song lyrics are sometimes. Im sorry I had to use my buah pley as the subject matter, but buah pley sounds so funny.

Fact of the day!
9) "mat tetek" refers to...
WRONG b) zainal CORRECT a) a male individual with floppy 'breasts'


At least 70 percent of quiz takers chose answer B)Zainal as the answer to this question..(this includes zainal himself) This must mean, that zainal really is a mat tetek, a male individual with floppy breasts, so for those of you who got the wrong answer by choosing B, can add ten more marks to your score. Give yerself a pat on the back cos you deserve it, for uncovering the truth. Hahaahah.

i wrote this some time back, but its so relevant right now. .

you curse me through the blackened roof of your carnal cathedral
the very medium to take you to heaven yet commit sins so evil
and to make references to popular culture
they are the jedi while we are the siths of terror

make me a cup of tea, but dont spit in it please!
are all these conjured logics just to put our minds at ease?
or are we just falling and fooling ourselves that its flight?
how do we know being a victim of conformity isnt right?

i utilize latin...the path to the stars
it isnt riddled with restrictions.. ad sic itur ad astra
to get there you have to get rid of all reservations
and use the rhythm of your imagination

give me the bliss that i sought
or else in this flesh vessel my soul will rot
in this lifetime would i be guilty of heresy?
i belong to the wrong side of society's asymmetry

i want to gaze at the magical magenta in the sky
and die with at least a magnum opus to live forever by
but maim me with mainstream arrows of suggestions
and ill die an unknown... a social insignificant

I am the demonic malevolent megalomaniac. Fear what I utter in jest as well as anger for it might directly or indirectly get you killed(or faint in the lift as in a certain case). Fear too, the air around me, as im the basilisk, I poison rivers, cause trees to wither and living beings drop dead around me with just my presence. Ill turn you to stone from my perch, from where I command my hordes. Spawns of hell who are loyal to a higher being, ordained to serve Satan. I have chosen to first lead the life of a plague, slithering across surfaces and influence mortal minds to do my bidding. Those who have felt the demonic wrath do not escape eternal damnation that I myself am enslaved to, serving Satan forever. Do not look into my eyes, they will force themselves into your mind , casting a spell which makes you join the hordes which I will summon in the day of reckoning, for that is why I am masked. If not, you’ll be entrapped within your mind, unable to break free, even as ragnarok sweeps by, always stained by sin. Those that have been touched by me, will shield themselves from the light of reason, becoming a minion to a lesser demon known as violence, a tempest rages in their soul, never able to appease it, revealing a macabre menace that was always present deep within them, a threat to earth bound mortals. I will slink away and disappear because, Satan himself is rebirthed and unshackled from the confines of hell, in one of these vessels which serve as a platform for his chaos and destruction.

This piece talks about the accusations that were thrown, according to them, I am evil, “malevolent” and seeking a power trip. What I say can hurt you emotionally, spiritually and physically. I also corrupt minds, as represented by the basilisk, a mythological creature which can kill just by its presence and even poison rivers from where it drinks. I also head a gang or “hordes” which lay chaos in its wake. In doing what I did in the ninja muscle fiasco, I have attempted to “recruit” others, particularly one “held in high regard” but when I failed, he resorts to barbaric tactics, hence “becoming a minion to a lesser demon known as violence”. What I didn’t manage to recruit, he blooms devilishly, being more evil than me becoming Satan’s “platform for his chaos and destruction” through blatant lies, insinuations and facades.

lets just get distracted from the whole going ons in school to dedicate my poetry or at least attempt at it to this particular girl..

hey angel of love dementia
i am enslaved to inertia
why do you look at me in silent glee
when i sink deeper in emotional poverty?

grip my arm and never let go
then you creep slowly around my heart
maybe ill never look into your eyes
and remain indifferent to your cries

blow away the sand you try to clench
and let the tears stain your cheeks
ill help to wipe them away
but i wont promise to stay

why dont you look towards the true horizon..
cos i cant be yours..

*Dressing up as bare bodied ninjas, with drawn muscles, running around playing pranks = gang activities that warrant police attention, (speculation is rife that this gang could number up to 300 men or more, judging by the muscular bodies of the offenders)
*Keeping a blog with 3 transsexuals as the display pic and and posting entries laced with tongue in cheek humor = maintaining a website with offensive, undesirable and irresponsible content! "the police can crack down on gang activities through our website"(also regarded as a form of intimidation)
*composing an apology card = shameless recruitment methods(into the gang)
*swiping at the rear end with a cushion/plastic file = a form of instigation that justifies a physical assault later on(due to the fact that we felt "insulted" that the victim rejected our invitation in the apology card)
*a kick in the jaw and ribs = excusable due to status of victim, and the fact that it was to "protect his dignity"
*whole fiasco = punishable by expulsion(only applies to the ninja offenders), but will be given a second chance, a subsequent prank would mean immediate and sure expulsion.
*my whole face at the end of this = blank, so let use my nipples as an indicator of emotions - they're wiggling feverishly! that must mean exasperation! Gasp!
!swing back your head and laugh at the bull**** theyve conjured up just so they have a case against us.

"You are just sore that you did not make it the last time!"

Do those words instill fear and evoke penitence from you? If not.. then let me rub my buttcheeks together to imitate the sound that came out from the mouth which said those lines… Yes.. truly FRIGHTENING!
Stumped by the boldness of that comment and wittiness of the one who mouthed it, I had no choice but to nod and agree… Its true im sore… but its only half right.. in fact less than that… Im more sore by the way that he treated me, in fact many people like me before he saw the need for us… Only a bully with authority out on a power trip can force people to do stupid stuff like *actual events - trick an innocent student that the way to treat a cut lip is to suck on a blade of grass in an attempt to attain respect and a 'joker' image in front of the rest… - inadvertently forcing the quartermaster to quit by ordering the poor fella to clean up mud in the toilet… And when there is an obvious need for us, a stready stream of butt-licking occurs…. Which of course is normal everyday fare for the "elite" few which are in favor of his favoritism… How can you not be sore when cronyism takes the place of meritocracy in the selection system… How can you not be sore when you have shed 'blood,sweat and tears'to possess the ability that you have now only to find out ball sucking puts others above you, how ball sucking makes up for the need for innate and trained ability… Sometimes when things are not in logic, when things don't make sense… shouldn't we refrain from blind obedience and speak out whats on our mind? Why should we conform to a fascist mentality? It might be interpreted as a lack of respect on my part but its all honesty and constructive criticism… I don't hate the soccer team… I just hate the system that brings it down year after year… I mean 2nd some years ago(before the "saviour" stepped in) to of insignificant rank last year? It must be flawed right? It just proves 4 things..:- 1) SOME players were plain crap 2)some of the tactics were plain crap 3)degenerative influence by the coach that cant be helped 4)you can imitate the sounds made at the sidelines by rubbing your buttcheeks together.
So, by resorting to nasty jabs in the ribs with that comment, he has substantiated my claim to him being a buttpirate…

The retreat to Johor Bahru Sofitel Palm Resort was fun and a splendid idea if you asked me.. I truly had fun there and much of it was self generated… Playing pranks on unsuspecting 'corridor-dwellers' regardless of which campus they were from and whether we knew them or not.. hah! And that was where the 'Ninja Muscle' was born… Me and Zainal realised our innate superhuman abilites after a tiresome morning of protecting the world from the mat confident type.. Donning the awesome Ninja headgear, we suddenly sprouted six-pack abdominals and toned pectorals.. In stealth we scoured the resort grounds for targets, our well-defined bodies glistening in the dim lighting of the narrow corridors… Careful to avoid Ivan Lim's patrol routes and creeping up to our 'prey' like leopards and striking like cobras… haha… what a way to glorify our immature pranks! Haha… but what matters most is that I , no we..had fun! Creating catchy spontaneous songs during workshops and forcing others to join in the 'doowop'… haha… Getting light -headed from the ninja missions and forced to retire to bed and all…. Ahhh…. Reminiscing about those days will bring giggles upon giggles… and damn… didn't even remember to check out the girls from the other campus… since we were so busy playing pranks on the guys… haha…. Ahhhh….(fading sigh brought about by nostalgi

for all the ppl who led me on... for all who gave me false hope... this is my poetic tribute to you...

search my static existence
for wretched hope
find it only to destroy it
fodder and fuel for your smiling heartbeat

i didnt know i was falling prey to a curse
when i saw your eyes as burning embers
in the darkness of uncertainty
as if it was said in some divine decree

initially liquorice hate as bait
cradled into false solace
then rendered helpless in a state of limbo
denied both heaven and hell, in abysmal sorrow

wait till i collapse from chronic burns
with just passive aggression left from dismemberment
and they say freedom comes from within
but my innate ability breeds corrupt sins

girls are horny.

(legend) general_buttcrack = me , japgerl84 = this girl on mirc ,

general_buttcrack : hi, nak rapatkan silatulrahim? (my new pick up line!)
japgerl84 : oh boleh, asl?
general_buttcrack : 20/m/s'pore
japgerl84 : oh, me 19/f
general_buttcrack : oh, cool... (smooth eh?)
japgerl84 : oh youre so smooth.. (serious..)
japgerl84 : oh, you concept apa?
general_buttcrack : huh? concept? hows that? whaddya mean?
japgerl84 : concept ah... like me, im a jap girl...
general_buttcrack : wat the fuck is that?
japgerl84 : oh, that means im into japanese..
general_buttcrack : oh so youre incorporating popular japanese culture into your style of dressing and appearance? although you're malay and you're not proud of your own culture so, you fake a new identity based on what you think is "cool"?
japgerl84 : duuhhhhh....errr...yeah... so whats your concept?
general_buttcrack : dressing like an ol' fashioned buttcrack?
japgerl84: so that means you dont have a concept ah... eeee kental siiiaaakkkk!!!
general_buttcrack : do i have to have one?
japgerl84 : yah! like duh! i dont talk to budak budak kental ah...

ok... as i was struggling to recover from this bullshit... a lot of stuff raced thru my mind... what the fuck is a fucking japgerl? pardon my language... and it makes me realise i have to leave those 'mat tapereds' alone... cos... you cant comment on what others are wearing unless they are really incongruous and therefore humorous... but why the hell do u come up with a "concept"? Conjuring a "code" to adhere to and being very careful not to deviate from your "concept"... and ive seen 'mat tapereds' sniggering at "untapered" members of the community, at how "uncool" they are compared to the tapered brethren... exactly how japgerl84 saw me as... so now im considered "kental siiiaaakkk!!!"... and i am striving to change that... so.... ive decided to come up with my own concept to conform to society's expectations.... im gonna be a "mak mak"... concept "mak mak" innit ingenius? now, i can hide behind a concept that allows me to be myself... bitter and cynical about teenage society and culture! and i've even came up with my own catch- phrase... it goes something like this... "EH! JANGAN TAK ADA ADAT EH!!!"... seriously... ill take over the world... even "abang-abangs" will bow to me... cos.. im "mak-mak"

one of the "perks" of sharing house space with other siblings means that you'll get to experience the joys of sibling jokes/pranks... here are my favorites... ahh...the good ol' times... sigh...

1. you're watching tv/at the computer... your bro/sis runs in, lets loose a stinker and runs off to let you enjoy the spoils of their last meal... ahhh...
2. ask your bro/sis loudly about that fictional rash on her/his left buttcheek when her/his friends come over... (works best if the boy/girlfriend comes over!)
3. if you have a male brother, frame him for downloading porn on the net... (choose weird porn like doing it with horses or old women with hair on their butts!)
4. one of the more immature ones... when a friend calls... report his/hers most embarassing incidents to them before you pass the phone over...
5. when he/she is chatting online (especially on MSN messenger), wait till he/she needs to get up to go to the loo or fridge... rush in, hijack the com and type in stuff like "the rashes on my buttcheeks are peeling off.... do you think you can help?"
6. claiming you saw them making out with a fictional bangladeshi mutual friend a few blocks away, reporting it to your parents in the straightest face you can hold... then pretending to be emotional about how disappointed you are with them... end with a sigh and fake tear in the eye...
7. draw a moustache/ big mole on their faces when they sleep... then giggle yourself to sleep...
8. write new pages in their diary about how they've noticed dirty-yellow fungi growing on their armpits then show it to everybody... feigning utmost concern for their health...
9. pretend to join them when their friends or girl/boyfriends come over... let loose a fart and frame them for it.. killer line.."damn! this is your fart.. it is so you! i've smelt it before.. you had chicken and broccoli again didnt you!!!" pretend to cry and talk about how you cant take the abuse anymore...
10. (works best for male siblings) plant a stained female undergarment in his schoolbag... wait till your parents or his friends (once again his girlfriend would be perfect) are present... pretend to need something from his bag... bring it into view of everybody... pull out the incriminating evidence and shriek, "eeeee!!! whats this? you pervert!!!"


of course.. you'll always be comforted by the fact that you could be ruining their lives... ahhh... the companionship.... the rewards siblinghood brings... (contented sigh)....

ok, about the phrase "wake up your (fucking) idea!", seriously... its simply disgusting... this is one of the most non-sense making command/motivational cheer-on i've ever heard next to grunting by over-enthusiastic ruggers... its used by NS sergeants and soccer/rugby captains and too frequently at that... its not grammatically correct i say.. but this pig-like ex-rugby player grunted to me that "being grammatically correct is the last thing you think of when you're in the thick of the action!!! *oink!*" but.... if you're going to dish out incoherent commands when the time needs it... isnt it most important if your men understand your command? if they go "what the fuck?!?".. then it defeats all purpose of making that damn instructional order in the first place... how can an idea wake up? errr... i dont think so....

theres no star waiting in the sky, to make living this shit worthwhile... a girl suddenly messaged me and asked me how i was doing... and gradually the conversation moved to the thing(i cant call it a relationship anymore cos according to this other girl, it is only a relationship if she "considered it to be one") we had a few months ago... and now, as opposed to the time we were together, she admitted to having feelings for me... ok thats sweet... but frankly... what the hell? whats the use of it now? whats the use of me doing all i could then to make you feel the same way i do only to see you turn your face away and act like some red-assed baboon on prozac? and now when you've patched things up with your ex, and ive nursed three broken hearts, now, of all the appropriate times, you choose to tell me this? its all bullshit, but i cant deny the fact that its sweet though... haha... so now im supposed to mope around in the corner of my room "wishing how it could have been?"... damn im not gonna do that... and whats with the periodic napalm strikes on me? the latest one says that she doesnt consider it a relationship? just because why? its all lies and her inability to decide anything built the foundation of our "not-considered-a-relationship?" thats simply bullshit... shes the one who asked me if she was my girlfriend, and i replied with ,"errr... duuuhhhhh... i dunno...(at this point of time, my attention was suddenly directed towards a dancing chimp with a party hat)... i think so... duuuhhhh...." remember the times you called me your boyfriend? i have the log files to prove it... yeah im bitter, what am i? a whore? and then they'll laugh and joke about how much of a whore i am, then ill walk around with a visible panty line just so i can... yeah im losing it.. but my anger is real... and before anyone gets angry with me over anything, please verify it with me first... is it something like this? ... *fat-faced, floppy haired platonic bastard: i think ridzal says youre a bitch... snort.. grunt.. *oh-im-so angry and i could bitch about him more now but admitted she loved me once: yah that damn bastard! what the fuck! (sudden twitching because of bullshit brain processing)... i could be wrong... but then again, im being a hypocrite for assuming stuff... ok if i was wrong forgive me, im just relaying the situation as humorously as i can... am i wrong for loving you in the first place? if you're being this cruel to me, im the one who should hate you... stop making it seem as if it were'nt your fault.... and by the way i dont hate you... just the execution of this whole damn break up... theres no harm in talking to me face to face and giving it to me straight in the face, everything there is to it in one big slab delivered right up my arse... ill take it like a man, complete with nonchalant facial expression... think about it... its better than dragging it, telling me periodically about how big an ass i am... what ever there is you dont tell me, i assume, i fill in the blanks... isnt that just human nature to think of what went wrong? hate me for this, but dont hate me for what you've only heard...

i downloaded the song la vie en rose from the jeux d'enfants (love me if you dare) soundtrack and it brought a big smile to my face... it just reminded me of all the happiness a short while ago... i just closed my eyes and collapsed in the recliner chair with a smile fixed on my face even when the song ended, imaginary melodies feeding and accompanying my memories... it is heightened nostalgia that the song brings about... the siginificance of it, the mellow lazy melody and the meloncholia it evokes... all of it making me wish to go back to those days of smiles, happiness and kisses... it is pure romanticism when i imagine myself to be lying on a rooftop, my hand in hers, squinting to keep the sun out of our eyes while looking at the passing clouds... unproductive, yes... pragmatic perception aside, it would mean that much to me... of course, this is far from reality... its just delusional idealism..

Hold me close and hold me fast
The magic spell you cast
This is la vie en rose

When you kiss me heaven sighs
And tho I close my eyes
I see la vie en rose

When you press me to your heart
I’m in a world apart
A world where roses bloom

And when you speak...angels sing from above
Everyday words seem...to turn into love songs

Give your heart and soul to me
And life will always be
La vie en rose

i just spent about 3 hours in the hospital visiting my grandma... i really pity her in her state... and when we had to leave as visiting hours ended, i felt real sad... cos i know the cold and loneliness that comes with being warded... and when i went to the seven eleven with my sister, we got disturbed by a group of malay girls... they went, "bye abang" ahaha... do i have reason to be happy? i doubt so.. but it did bring a chuckle about... hahaha... dont they have somebody better to disturb? or worse for that matter... haha... i read her blog... and she "subtly" accused me of artificial sweetness... ive not been in that many relationships in my life... only three... that are worth a mention... ok now four, including her... and i was speaking the truth when i said i didnt have the feeling before... she was only the second one who has responded with such positivity... it was the truth and i swear upon my life that its true... see... another assumption, another misunderstanding, another denied attempt to explain myself...

something i wrote, inspired by nightwish, a goth band... my gothic sanctuary...

in a gothic sanctuary
there is enough solace to hide behind a smile
a smile filled with loneliness
where it doesnt matter, all the rest
and when i talk, i speak in tongues
you dont understand cos your mind is young
paradoxially, im too tired to sleep
i pierce my own skin with a blade's tip
and when i bleed, crimson fury stains
i lay sprawled on the pavement, as if slain

look into the blank of my mind's eye
and dont say anything, dont even sigh
run your shackles around my brain, do it harm
instead of stressed i lie here charmed
save me the trouble of a proper burial
just leave my soul to slide into a lull
and to quench that insatiable thirst
angels must fall first
in this sanctuary i am the emperor
where ill try to be happy and somehow forget her

yeah, ill try to... looking at how she already has with 'er new one, that replacement...

as a follow through on that last piece.. is beauty more of a curse than a blessing then? in that aspect... i guess its more of a social-booster, people have a better impression of good-looking people rather than not-so-good-looking people... hehe... as a victim of this, i admit that i know how it is when people like you just because you said something nice to them and when u say how they got it all wrong, they accuse you of leading them on... haha... and how every member of the opposite sex you talk to is your new make-out partner and how big a flirt you are... and feeling so violated when you are being ogled at by girls and guys alike.. haha... and how when you walk past a group of people who mainly dont favor you, you get comments like... "dia ingat dia lawar/handsome sangat pe!" haha... seriously guys... people like to pick on you just because you possess beauty, if not in your eyes, then in theirs... and of course... you get thrown into a category with all the other beautiful people.. where you get compared, evoking lines such as.. "eh si dia ni lagi lawar dari si dia tu" when all you want is to fake your way through tertiary education... and how people rush into a relationship with you only to come out scarred when u dont really share their enthusiasm... then u lose their friendship, in extreme cases, "boycotted"... some of them i really do enjoy their company and how they seem to appreciate mine... and if you do, just stay with me... the time between sweet mushy lines such as "you are the best anybody could have" to "i want a break up" is incredibly short... if i dont wanna go official with ya straight away... its not because im just flirting and have other girls on the side... its because yeah it sounds like a damned cliche but love needs to develop from friendship first... and if you force it, i can only be myself, i still treat u as a friend to which im asaulted by these teeth-grinding lines such as.. "then like that for what go steady!" im doing the best i can from what ive learnt... but you dont want that and from the lack of understanding between us, cracks occur and you break away... most probably not even wanting to talk to me... i think it takes a lot of maturity to see things the way i do... and i wont hate you for the break up... i wont go general and hate girls cos of this break up... i wont go GSF(girls schmirls foundation) and denounce the need for them... if you enjoyed my company and humor before... why shouldnt you still enjoy it now? i didnt change... i still wanna spend time with you cos u were something like a best friend... and i respect couples who have broken up and still treat each other right... its cruel and it doesnt make sense that you must be enemies just because it did not work out... we were just so close a minute ago and now youre bad mouthing me to your friends and calling me a jerk or a loser? and then theres the added bonus of making fun of me with your new boyfriend who could also fall victim to the same shit... hahah... think about it... the structure of it all does not make sense to me... but then again... im just an "immature bastard" who "charms girls asses off"... hahahhah... im sorry if i offended anyone... im just stating a point... theres no love lost... cheerios...

the problem with beautiful girls is that they have a lot of self-esteem problems, this makes them insecure and wanna beat the shit out of their boyfriends if they so much as think about other girls... of course this is just my opinion or you might call it hypothesis, coming out of my head filled with nothing else other than paedophilia... haha...
beautiful girls take pride in the way they look, cos thats their money maker... they do everything to enhance or maintain it because they think that its what will make the guy stay and not look for other girls... the stated is only true if the relationship is built upon superficiality...they(most of them anyway) do not really build on their other talents because they are generally contented as they are, blessed by the gods with good genes... so this results in them being proud of nothing else other than their looks... they are incredibly offended when their physical attributes are commented on... they are mainly insecure because they are afraid their boyfriends will find someone better, someone who is more fun to be with, or *gasp* someone more beautiful... they spend all their time worrying about this that they forget that they should remedy the situation by actually treating their boyfriends right for once and cast those unfounded accusations out of sight... and when they or their boyfriends leave them, the first thing they say is that they have no problem finding other guys... no shortage of suitors... the thing is... so i was just a statistic? there is more to relationship than just boasting about how many ex-es you have... im with you because i wanna find love, not so i can boast about "oh i was (insert girl's name here) boyfriend once siiiiaaaakkk!!" they need to be brought down to earth and practise humility... cos the main freaking problem lies with them...
the machiavellian character, Iago in the play Othello said that "the mind is a garden" where you can plant anything such as vegetables for consumption or let it be overrun by weeds... and it is true because you need to pull out these 'weeds' by hand, by yourself to spare others the torment of that quick heartbroken feeling...

something weird happened today, this group of indian "makkals" were playing soccer in school, then when my friends and i appeared on the scene to join them... they suddenly packed up and went home.. hah! this is the same team we beat the last week, i guess we came across as over-confident or even arrogant to them, bullying them on the playing court... so we just kicked around till the track and hockey girls team joined us... haha... it was really fun...then one of the girls said something which gave instant gratification to the calling for appreciation i held for so long... she said... "siak ah... the real talent is here siak.... zal, you deserve to be in the team siak..."... i was so emotional i almost cried... haha... if everybody told me that, there has to be some credibility on my part... when i whine about my rightful place ursurped by the reason that i express my opinions and i dont suck the damned coach's balls! haha.... If i knew sucking balls could make up for a lack of innate ability, i'd have leartn this disgusting art long ago.. haha.. just kidding.. ill always whine about this... sigh... haha... well, i think its true when my ex-girlfriend said that minahs always looked at me.. haha... i was in the mrt when these 3 minahs looked and giggled at me, i could be wrong but i was with my two platonic friends and they saw it too... maybe i quote my ex-girlfren, thats cos i "look like a mat" haha... or maybe i look like someone from anak metropolitan... haha... well i hope its not any of these reasons.. i'd prefer it to be like , "siak ah, budak ni cool gila siak!" hahahhahahaha..... wishful thinking but it never hurts to dream... haha... and oh... i hope shes happier now that shes free from the stress i cause her... and i hope ill be soon now that i dont cause her stress... alrite then, cheerios....

this blog -writing is really catching on with me... like totally... well, i just realised one thing.. writing bits of prose really transfers your emotions elsewhere... i just grab that bit of emotion, whether its anger or grief and convert into creative poetic ammunition... and then i hide them all behind a smile... im so good it hurts... haha... snort snort... things are looking up fer me... i was approached to read out my poetic creations at this valentine's day gig... of course i wont choose my emo scripts... so exciting... sometimes, i think im getting too confident for my own good... i walk with a swagger armed with an obnoxious grin on my face, temporarily rebond my hair and "sound" girls to be my "adik angkat".... haha... imagine that.. it would be the greatest irony if i make fun of all these abang abang CD(civil defence) and then end up there for national service... haha.. i'd rather sit around clapping my hands joining dikir barat! haha... The latest rumor we've started now is that actually me and imran are boyfriends and zainal is my scandal... haha... and me and zai purposely act gay in front of people to reinforce those rumors... the dumb thing is that these people believe it even though its as ridiculous as hell.. haha... my sense of humor is totally extreme i guess... sick even to some people.... maybe thats what made my girlfriend leave me... haha....

caught in a star's trail, i catch fire and get left behind... when i think about it, maybe thats how my situation is... and maybe its my fault for her feeling that way? this girl told me once its hard to love somebody when the person to be loved isnt there.. and thats where ive slipped... and also because of the phone call the last sunday when she wanted to apologise... i recognise the fact of her being a very paranoid and sensitive girl... i should have talked to her but instead i gave her the cold shoulder... but i was feeling really hurt by the fact that she rejected to receive my 99 dollar gift... 99 dollars means i had to work for two to three whole days... and it all comes to nought... i dont have alot of money... so this really hurts... maybe i should have bought my sisters clothes or my mom something she liked... sigh... what am i gonna do with a 99 dollar esprit bag? the memories attached to it hurt too much to let it stay... dangerous assumptions are always made about me... and she accuses me of that... ive a feeling that these baseless assumptions have directly or indirectly fueled this break up to take place... the only good thing to come out of this is to raise my poetic inclinations... a broken heart can propel one to great levels of creativity... but sometimes i wonder if my poetry is good, some people laugh at poet-types.. but i dont write about mushy stuff do i? corny stuff to be laughed at? i can only hope i dont.... so far nobody has commented negatively except for the fact that i have a dark gift... i wish i can be immortal, somebody special, to have inside me blood of kings...

my grandma was sick yesterday night, in the middle of the night, my whole family scrambled there to find her scrambling for breath... Nobody dared to sleep for fear that she would pass on while they had their eyes closed... I was really scared, its one thing to talk about death in poetic verses dipped in black metal rhetoric but its another thing to look at it through someone's eyes, where it is so close... she kept staring at me while i stood in the doorway, i feared she was looking at the angel that would take her away who could have been standing next to me... i really freaked out... This after my girlfriend left me, at this point of time when i needed her... The pain is compounded by the fact that she is treating me like an enemy... she said "you think the world revolves around you" when i asked about her blog entry being about me... I felt that comment being totally unnecessary... It really tears my heart in half to see the person who was just telling me how much she loved me say all these things... Its utterly heartless... sigh... i can only hope that ill be numbed by this treatment soon....

You say you wanna stay by my side
and that you were all mine
in many ways, ill miss what you have to say
and how i cant cope with missing you every day

now here i sit a pathetic whimper of myself
reminiscing about a heaven that turned to hell
as if my wings are clipped in its haste
as if i had wings in the first place
Yeah it hurts to say but I want you to stay
and my mind tries to work to find a way
praises of me, you seem to always sing
They fade my friend, you say the strangest things

i have to hold on to my angst-ridden opinions
and let go, not to be one of hate's minions
cos ive always fell in flight
from the curse of love i cannot hide
i cant hear the wind chimes,
anymore cos it not meant to be, sometimes

i just found out i got pissed over some stuff that wasnt meant for me... now i feel like an idiot... but im still pissed i dun know why... maybe at myself.. some ex-crescent girls talked to me... they warned me about her... they said of how they were worried how i would be hurt... i guess its too late... now im confused... i thought i got over everything... in that forced expulsion of hatred and sadness... but it was based on something that wasnt meant for me... damn... i thought it was no use being sad over something she didnt even regard as significant in her life... something to me was so dear but to her not even near... and my first girlfriend called me... to give me advice on relationships... she sounds so mature now.. so grown up... i didnt know she would be so "semangat" to call.. i guess there are more people who care about me than i originally thought of... she said so many good things about me...she really has a good impression of me... sigh... reminds me of the old days... how she blew me kisses in class only to get caught by the teacher... haha.. shes taking care of her family now, something which im envious of... i wish i could take care of my family too... and that some one too who would appreciate me as much as i did her... and would want to stay with me... she told me not to fall in love too fast... "jangan sayang dia dulu, tunggu sampai dah tau semua perangai dia".. and i replied with "tapi aku dah sayang dia, dia cakap dia sayang aku tapi skarang dia tinggalkan aku"... she paused and said,"kan susah kau dah sayang dia, kau masih muda, cari lah perempuan lain"... i dont get this line... what is it about me and "perempuan lain" or "other girls"? they make it sound as if im the best guy around and girls are lining up to be with me... That i hop from girl to girl like "changing shirts"? Initially, i thought of that to be such a rosy idea... but i would rather have one and stick to her... I'd love to be a casanova type... but im not... sometimes i dont even know what to do with a girl.... everything is spontaneous and ultimately risky and ambiguous... she might or might not like it... sigh.. i really thought she was the one... and im always pretending not to be hurt... but it hurts like burning ember on my flesh... im gonna use three lines from "the strokes-someday" then work a poetic reference to my situation around those lines... "yeah it hurts to say, but i want you to stay.." , "you say you want to stay by my side.." and "they fade my friend, you say the strangest things..."

duuhhh.. what was i here for? oh.. yeah.. the grouses i hold... i cant believe shes behaving this way.. it was just last week that she said she was happy... and now shes behaving as if i assaulted her and killed her family... what ever it is that she accuses me of... it doesnt hold any truth... "what love?" now she say this? wasnt she the one who was saying all that a week ago... i didnt do anything wrong... now shes saying how ridiculous it is? and even used the F word? wasnt she the one who wanted to "turn over a new leaf" and "dont want to lose you(me)"? its all quoted from her own mouth... I may not understand right now but the way shes acting... its either she assumed something negative about me or the blatant display of indifference... It never has meant anything to her it seems... Here i was taken in on how she wants to go the distance with me... The unfounded accusation of me "charming girls' asses off"? frankly, i dont know how all of this came about? Its either she tells me that she has heard or found out something bad about me "charming girls' asses of" which she hasnt really confirmed, or the fact that it is all an excuse... that i was just another one being played around... i sit in regret, for all the things ive done, all the things ive blessed, and all the things ive wronged....

ok this is a creative writing analysis, to the piece of poetry i wrote...
insecurities give birth to other negative feelings such as jealousy and distrust among two parties.. These are destructive and will most probably than not, overwhelm positive emotions such as trust, willingness to commit and ultimately, even love. Leaving behind nothing like barren landscape hence the cold desert..
yes it does take over you, slowly, gradually, inevitably... and soon it will control her, leaving others like me hurt in its wake. fight it for heaven's sake..
like the rising tide, it conquers the coast.. and in the mind, it drowns her in warped expectations and ideals...
and in the wooden sword, it tells of the odds stacked against me, all alone i stand, willing but hopeless unless she aids my quest...
and if i fall, my name will be etched in stone, buried somewhere, then forgotten, even my name covered with lichen, never someone significant in her life...
the future seems bleak, the winds do not change course, they blow into the dark clouds, she makes it that way, i am but a mere insect to redirect the winds..
the river symbolises her, reluctant of moving forward, stopping, even turning back, never reaching the sea... ending it prematurely..
and im here without her, because she doesnt want to be, i cry in my sleep, theres no spring in my step, i walk, head bowed with depression..
and yeah it makes me miss her, wishing for something that she does not want to be..

the cold desert of insecurity
hinders you and me
it creeps on slowly with time
across the rising tides of your mind

i pray you not leave me destitute
i battle a leviathan of sorts with a sword made of wood
ill not be remembered as the fallen
a humble name in stone to be covered soon with lichen

the wind blows foul forward
the river doesnt want to flow
but your face still appears in my dreams
and in your heart i long to be...

I believe in love to be something you need to build, to use an analogy, something like the both of you standing on different sides of a metaphorical gap... and its best if the both of you make that conscious effort to bridge the gap, meeting in the center.. if one does it all alone, the bridge will fall short.. inevitably... Isnt that what makes a relationship meaningful and rewarding? Its about bettering yourself and reaping the rewards that come... I mean im willing to change and listen to her complaints, and she should too... I do it for her...

I believe in love to be something free, i believe myself as a faithful person, i really do... I wouldnt even look at other girls if im with someone who im happy with... Im not a flirt, as she said... And right now, im really happy with the girl im with, just that im not sure if the feeling is mutual... I dont impose any restrictions on her cos i believe in trust, if she does something bad with other guys... Ill just decide that she wants to be with that guy(s) and not me... If not, she'd do it with me instead right? hehe... ok but seriously, its a display of faithfulness or on a higher level, fidelity... Its not that i dont care, its because i care... Im also exercising consideration for her interests and welfare... im not a possessive monster, i dont wanna be one...

right now, i feel that im down and my hands are tied, Ive been given a hurting blow by my girlfriend and i guess it really makes me think of how i am as a person... All ive been trying to do is to try to be there for 'er, be the one to listen about her day, sharing the emotions that comes with it.. be the one to comfort her in case she cries... tell her about my day, delivered animatedly, soaked in my humor, just to make her laugh or smile... and as a gesture of my affection, present to her gifts that i hope she appreciates... But all ive caused her is stress and misery... I should be the one alleviating those negative emotions, ironically im the one adding to them... I truly am speechless...

she says shes not the right girl for me, why is that so? she does not really say... or am i just not the right guy for her? I feel helpless to the rising tides of her mind... i am truly disappointed with this arrangement... I cant stop her if she wants "suspended animation" but i somehow dont feel its right... And i already feel her drifting away... I dont know whether to contact her anymore, for fear of disturbing or irritating her... I hope she speaks the truth of her motivations.. its like shes a stranger now, so distant... i guess i love her but maybe ill just end up with another broken heart.. I really wanna talk to her sometime... thats if shes free and willing...

i saw a sellavision advert the other day... it went something like this... "they are sweet, sensitive and the nicest guys around! they are the platonic friends!!! they'll make you happy and do your bidding, smiling all the way... and best of all! thay double up as best friends!!! so get one now!!! with our special offer and packaged influenced by the concept of pocket monsters*pokemon.. we present to you... platomon!!! get yours now!!!" the 'menu' looked something like this...

Pre-evolved platomon(Lv 1-10)
these are the type who have yet to know you yet, you have just got to be close to them and they try to find every opportunity to make conversation to you, laughing at your jokes and trying to confide in you about their problems...

Evolved Basic platomon(Lv 10-30)
they have already gotten close to you and try to call you every night, "to talk" or to confide about how they like this girl/guy or worried about their lost tanjak*(a headdress worn by dikir barat group members)... They always speak of this other girl that they like so as not to alert the girl of their true intentions... you'll always refer to them as this "nice guy"...

Evolved Advanced platomon(Lv30-50)
they are very close to you now... they call you every night and day, and always seeks an activity to do together... they offer to buy you stuff... give you treats.. and goes out with you on unplanned "dates"(eat after school lah! etc).. they have enough power and influence to gain a new attack technique now... it is "poison" it requires 30 energy points... It is mainly a defensive maneuver... to protect their position as the main male figure in your life... they make fun and criticise potential suitors or boyfriends... reducing the other guy's chances drastically! A truly powerful technique...

Evolved Master platomon(Lv 50-80)
they dictate your life now, most probably, they have probably confessed their feelings... and you feel indebted to them for all theyve done for you.. they now go out with you on planned dates... they know most of your secrets and you feel comfortable enough to hug their arm, if not their torso... they buy you stuff, attend events together, demand to support you if you participate in anything and the treats come more frequently... you feel inclined to protect them in face of criticism from (most probably) a boyfriend, steady or courting... Key phrase.."we best friends only what!"

GrandMaster platomon(Lv 80-99)
they are at the peak of their powers... they have made you feel like you love them... you are taken in by the romantic idea of love blossoming from friendship and you confess your feelings to him too.. you guys are a few steps short of becoming a couple, your friends and family are already referring to them as your boy friend, especially your mom and you secretly smile at that idea... they spend almost every minute with you and their name occupies every ounce of memory in your handphone message inbox... they have managed to block all male advances and eradicated all threatening(to them) male presence in your life...

Ultimate platomon(Lv 100)
they are your boyfriend, the pride and aspirations of every platomon.. they are the role model for every fledgling platomon.. their course of actions are made templates by other platomons who wish to evolve to this level... they are legendary creatures and would have probably known you for more than 2 years by now... they have achieved their objective and you wish for a long and lasting relationship with them * results may vary

*special thanks to imran, zainal and khairul for providing information on platomon behavioural patterns...

me and the other "soccer rejects" decided to play soccer today... the previous day, mr ram forbade us to join the soccer team for training! He even chased us away with his annoying new catch phrase.." bye bye!" (say it in an obnoxious, heavy accented and over-confident way)... then we played with the year ones who were already playing there... and we joined them, apparently they seem to be greatly impressed by us... the comments that followed included, "wah, you guys in soccer ah?", "wah you guys good siak!', "wah, you guys have been playing since young ah?", "wah, skill siak!".. haha... my ego expanded ten fold today... we went home with a smile...a very big one... and once again... i was asked that ever so favorite question.. "oh, why arent you in the school soccer team?"... i hate this question... to guys and people who have watched me play... i say... "oh apparently im not good enough...", every word dripping with sarcasm... everytime id draw a laugh... they'll know the damned coach is a blind asshole more interested in someone who is, i quote, "shows respect to the coach and captain", "not a primadonna" etc and more horse shit.. I wouldnt be all that if they were'nt so lousy in the first place... haha... And when girls(mostly) ask me innocently why im not in the soccer team... i be rendered speechless... and then i wax lyrical about the issue of me not being selected because the coach... to them, it comes across as sour grapes... i see that look in their eyes... i hate that... it makes me sad and angry.... the only way i could prove to them is to play a match in front of them.. haha... but that'll be so desperate... and such a way to be a loser... damn... haha... then ill be presenting to them the fact that i was in a club to subtly say.. "hey im good ok! if not i wont be selected by a club!" haha... i dont wanna be thought of as a sore loser... i really dont... i guess this will haunt me for as long as i live....

dear diary, today, this cute guy kinda looked at me, i think he likes me... tee hee... haha... i feel like a schoolgirl when im writing this blog.... so fun... so exciting... today was a weird day for me... i managed to trick my "oh-im so great cos ive got a degree and i was an ASP in prison once with 250 staff under me!!!" home tutor... I preyed on the human need for empathy with him when he asked me why i forged my fathers signature for this form... I brought up horse crap about me being truly stressed, not being able to meet and experience the love and attention of a father with the packed schedules the both of us had to go through... And he fell for it, now i feel bad... haha... I guess i am evil and cunning but i had to make the bugger think of me as something else than this unneccesary troublemaker, intentionally rebelling against the school system just because i want to... The truth is im not... The thing is, only in JI or MI(Toh tuck Campus) that the teachers gossip about students, pick on students over the stupidest of reasons(wah morning always drink milo!-mr ram), practise carefully selected friendship with underlying motive.. etc If you practise this kind of culture here, you deserve to get dissed... Im sorry im not like the rest of em obedient children who suck up to you and follow your dictatorship... i am destined to be hated yet still being respected throughout the school... people fear me as i walk past, careful of how they act and talk... haha... i am king of my domain...

a stigma is attached to my physical appearance
like some social halitosis that burdens
that i cant just scoff at or shrug off
do they expect me to display penitence?
in my confusion i feign apathy
can there be a cure for this indignity?

will i be plagued by flies while lying on my deathbed?
surrounded by delusional hallucinations of what they said?
the swatting of them by hand i try so desperately...
the futile attempts just sapping at my life energy...
praying to the altar of any passing titan
to provide the vessel en route to the promised land
and hold on to the mast hoping i dont let go
an illegal stowaway , i stoop so low
such is my desperation for acceptance
that i would fake that much sought redemption

and from my perch i observe
the lunar scenery seems to move and swerve
as if it were watching
as if it were following
everything rises from nothing
and so does the feeling of unique-ness
but i am the ignorant leading the blind
to be that cruel and unkind