I was window shopping along Bugis Junction when i first met Ridzal and Azmi. Ridzal was trying on a pair of shades which accentuated his boyishly Bara/E.C kind of look and was asking Azmi for his opinion. Me,having like totally good taste,interjected and told Ridzal that he looked really good,kinda like that actor guy Mokhtar who played the lecturer in Bara and a few Suria telemovies. We then started talking about the things that really matter in life like where to get foundation for men,applying eyeliner around the nipples to avoid breast cancer(sure beats a mammogram) and how metrosexual we were in this time of grizzly bears breakdancingin the streets of Orchard Road. Ridzal told me he kept a blog (like all metrosexuals should.Like duh,girlfriend) where he articulated his innermost feelings. He then proceeded to invite me collaborate on his blog and i gladly accepted even though i'm aware that the sexual tension between us will one day erupt and destroy this beautiful platonic friendship we hold in high regard and will later be adapted into a romantic comedy starring Rob Schneider and Thomas The Toy Train Engine called Hand in Hand,Metrosexuals Can..(Fall In Love With Each Other).

I've always believed that,next to being a German porn star, music journalism's the most kick-ass job in the world and this blog will hopefully allow me to hone my chops for my future column in the most prestigious entertainment magazine in Asia; Lime Magazine.


Therefore before the whole hullabaloo over Singapore Idol dies down,i thought it would be appropriate for me to do a feature on Taufik Batisah,the first ever Singapore Idol.As i couldnt get Taufik Batisah for an interview with TotallyAwesomeDude,i decided that the next best thing was to get the perspective from the angsty urban streets of Singapore and i have decided to interview two intriguing characters that plays a big part in Taufik Batisah's success. One hates,the other one adores. What do we get when we put them in the same room?

He hates Taufik Batisah vehemently with the venom of cobra seasoned in the treacherous Amazon.Cold,calculating and crispy like KFC's fried chicken is how i would describe him when i first met him.He's working at Bukit Panjang NPC as an NS policeman and he wears his badge with the same pride that lesbians take in their pink triangle.

He refuses to give me his name and wants to be called "Mr.Kita activate budak-budak ah".

The other worships Taufik Batisah like he's the Laughing Buddha at Haw Par Villa which used to have this chinese restaurant which served really good suckling pig.The kind where there's an apple in the mouth of the pig and the skin is cooked to golden brown perfection and when you take a bite,the meat slowly melts in your mouth.

She wants to be known simply as "Chinese girl who like Taufik Batisah and voted for him so therefore this shows that racism don't exist anymore" but i think we could just call her Miss Not-Racist.

This was how the interview went.

Me: I saw this totally gorgeous top at Topman that looked fabulous on me and i bought a matching polka dotted lacy g-string to match with it until i realized that i already have one so i wanted to wrap it up so i could give it to ridzal on his birthday but azmi gave him a similar one last year........

Mr.Kita activate budak-budak ah:(cuts off my chatter) I came down here to give you my take on that wussy sonofabitch Taufik Batisah and his media-whoring crying in front of camera fake persona. Not to hear you talking about panties.

Miss Not-Racist: Thats why.

Me: Okay okay. what's wrong with a little digression to ease the tension.pfffftt...So ummm,Mister Policeman,when and why did you first hate Taufik Batisah and is it personal?

Mr Kita activate budak-budak ah: I knew a friend who was working at the same police station as another guy who knew Taufik at the Police Academy.He told me ah that ah Taufik was very how to say..like action ah after he won Singapore Idol and that he didnt want to talk to his police mates about how fun it was to nab underage smokers and then treat them like Charles Manson anymore.I belive that Taufik has become too big for his britches and that we as Malays and Muslims have a duty to boycott his album as my friend told me that his friend used to follow Taufik go clubbing at Wu-bar.

Me: But how can you verify that your source is telling the truth?

Mr Kita activate budak-budak ah: Oh..My friend told me that day at the mosque about his friend swearing on the Qur'an about Taufik Batisah going clubbing. And you just don't fuck with that,man.We're talking divine intervention shit right here.

Me:Oh.That's interesting.you have God on your side.Lets ask Miss Not Racist about her take on this. How do you feel about these Malay NS policemen trying to smear the name of the first Singapore Idol?

Miss Not Racist: Haiz. they all don't understand that last time Taufik wear Bata shoes only.

Me: So what is it about Taufik that prompted you to establish a pseudo-religious lesbian underage sex cult in his name?

Miss Not Racist: Because ah that time i went to watch him perform at Plaza Singapura..that time singapore idol quarter finals that time..and ah when he sing his eyes very nice.

Mr.Kita activate budak-budak: But he use his eyes to look at girls last time at Wu-Bar. you think we Malays no "adat" ah?!

Miss Not Racist: Dont talk about malay chinese ah. We vote for taufik that means we not racist what.

Mr.Kita activate budak-budak:We Malays very united one ah.If one person you chinese try to hurt,we all confirm come down one.

Miss Not Racist: Aiyah.I dont want to fight with you lah. All i know ah that Taufik is very cool one and his songs very nice even though the radio plays them excessively leaving me with no choice but to tolerate them lor.

Me: Before this interview gets out of hand,i would like to end it by signing off for now.Thank you both for your time.And i would like Taufik Batisahto know that despite the controversy,Zainal Abidin will always admire you for your bravery in facing totally baseless accusations made by envious strangers and having fans with totally bad taste in music.

I salute you.