Me and the enfant terribles at The Garden Of Eden
So God was sleeping today and i took time to skive off to use the Internet which was forbidden strictly as God decreed that the Internet was pure evil. The Almighty even said that the initials of "www" stands for "wery wery wicked"which was totally uncanny(He had a problem pronouncing the letter V). The responsibilty of becoming The Second Coming of The Messiah obviously took a toll on me and i admit that i have been a little wee bit decadent in my music report. I was thinking of doing a review on Ahli Fiqir's single but that was too easy to make fun of. I hope that the readers of this blog are pop-savvy enough to have ,at least, heard of The Dandy Warhols who had a minor hit on our radio a few years ago and The Brian Jonestown Massacre. These two bands used to be chummy with each other before the lead singers started developing strong sexual feelings with each other. Now they're sworn enemies like The Jedi and The Sith. Well,I am pleased to inform our readers that we actually have a Singaporean version of this tragic love/hate story and it invlves one of totallyawesomedude's affiliates,Syed Idzwan.
What started out as a romantic Satanist fairytale degenerated into a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions. It all started out when Idzwan dabbled in Black Metal when he ws 14. During that time,he was still an impressionable teenager whose sexuality was quite ambiguous as you can probably see from the picture.
During this period of time,Idzwan's black metal band called Beast Goes To Yun Nam had a charismatic and an enigma of a frontman who just wants to be known as Beast.
Beast was a renowned lyricist and songwriter in the underground black metal scene after writing classics such as "Satan's Hair Is Center-Parting Too!".
A sample of his lyrics
"I'm in a dark place with dragons everywhere
i couldnt see clearly so i flicked my hair
it burns,it burns,and i can see the devil
it turns,it turns,amidts the rubble
and i was astounded by the black nature of truth
Satan's hair is centre-parting too!"
Mutual admiration for each other led Beast and Idzwan to spend more time with each other after jamming sessions and even though it is taboo in the world of rock for a guitarist and the lead singer to develop a relationship,nobody could convince these star-crossed lovers that their love cannot and will not be possible.
Alas! It was not meant to last. Beast was impregnated and in the father of all cliches(pun intended) Idzwan refused to take responsibility after dropping the classic line
"How can i be sure the baby is mine and not some Yun Nam Hair Care specialist's?!"
This led to the abortion of the baby and these two characters have been sworn enemies since.
This saga was dormant like the volcano at Kubang Perahu in Bandung until The Beast discovered Azmi's blog at www.thehoohoos.blogspot.com and proceeded to invade the tagboard.
He started by posting a physical threat in reference to a picture at Azmi's blog where Idzwan was wearing a blue shirt.
<Beast>: watch out the guy in blue
to which i curiously enquired
<zainal>: wah..this beast black metal centre-parting one ah?
to which he intelligently and eloquently replied,showing coherent links in his choice of subjects
<Beast>: wah...this zainal loves anal rite? pope is dead...u can try superman's ass
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
???? Forgive me for the question marks.But i'm truly baffled.??????????????????????????
Azmi then decided to reply to his hate tags
<Azmi luv Beastiality>: aiya beast, stop calling urself a superhero can? all u can do is stay within a 5m radius of the guy in blue and stare with ur nostrils flaring.. so brutal one!!!
which was made after Idzwan and Yazid actually saw The Beast within a 5 metre radius and they were expecting him to at least hurl black metal wizard curses at them but he didnt.
He then replied to Azmi's tag explaining that he couldnt perform his shaman wizardy there due to the presence of the precious Gem Of Skeletal Sarcophagus which neutralized his spells.
<Beast>: HAHAHAH i can see the fear in his eyes. and that black nigga...trying to be cool. hey dogs, lucky the gem was there. 5m? wow..if only i could get neare. MAY BE NEXT TIME !
but not before giving Azmi some Clean And Clear Tips brought to you by the good people at Johnson & Johnsons.
<Beast>: Hey azmi... y not u go to watsons and check out the latest facial wash?
Azmi took his advice and went further by even changing his surname from Jasni to Watsons.
<Azmie Watsons>: haha what a wimp! fancy blowing ur mouth off on the net when u quiver as we bat our eyelids at u in public.. now now i have many reasons to get personal with ur physical profile, but i'm a reasonable person,aren't I? hehe
Having seen him in person once at the bus-stop outside my school after Perjumpaan Hari Raya and Annual Conference of Mat-Mat Sachok Maintain organized By Ridzal,i gave him some tips on personal hygiene and haircare.
<zainal>: should we buy you a brush and an iron maiden cd so u can comb your hair while headbang at the same time? and u can gently part your pubic hair too..oops..you already have that on your head..
A reader of azmi's blog who prefer to remain anonymous then attempted to intervene,being of the opinion that Yun Nam gave sub-par service and that i shouldnt recommend it to The Beast as he might mutate into a sewer rat.
<worried passerby>: man , u guys are realli unhappy with each other , i see.. anyway, i think the reason why this beast guy is so gung-ho could be that he probably has a bouncer of a girlfriend..correct me if i'm wrong.. but i'm sure i'm not lar.
i'd thought that his girlfriend had perfect hair anyway so i said
<zainal>: dude,with all due respect,i dont think we should involve anybody's girlfriends in this one..even if the person being mentioned has pubes on his head which needs constant rebonding and monthly trips to Yun Nam haircare..
Beast was so happy with my recommendation that he started hallucinating about talking dogs which was a side effect of the Yun Nam Pubic Hair Treatment which also included bad spelling,incoherent rambling about African-Americans and typing out "HAHAHAHAH!!!" as if a simple "LOL!!!" couldn't do the trick.
<Beast>: HAHAHAHAH!!! this is getting very interesting..instead of the guy in blue....its his dogs that are talking!!! theses are wat frends are for rite? hey zainal i no u r as ugly as azmi's ass and cant get laid.U need some facial too? u can get from that nigga
in order to improve his English,I adviced him to read Sweet Valley High and being concerned for him after Idzwan dumped him,I told him that watching Spy Kids 3D is best watched with technicolor 3D shades so it wont hurt his eyes.
<zainal>: wow.."ugly" insults..that's pretty original considering that you spend your time reading Sweet Valley High and wanking off to Spy Kids 3D in technicolor shades after black metal jamming practice.
Apparently the side effect of the Yun Nam Hair Treatment has not worn off yet so he kept on ranting andraving about African-Americans,wind instruments,and using the word "balls" twice.
"Balls"! Twice! That hasnt been done before since God said to Adam "I shall create thee with beautiful balls!"
to which Adam replied "Huh? I cant hear you..." to which God bellowed "I said BALLS lah!"
<Beast>: HAHAHHA! wow thats a fast reply..i bet u got no life and wait at the comp for the beast's reply. kudos!!! instead of blowing the nigga's rod..maybe u can learn the harmonica?
<Beast>: hey worried passerby...now u should really be worried..u aint got the balls son!
<Beast>: Hey azmi......dont talk bout getting physical...u will regret it boy.
<Beast>: Enough of this blog shit...the dog is forever hiding... SEE U SOON BOY!......if u got the balls
And just for kicks,here somebody who's got so much balls,it totally justifies his smug face. I mean,he's a tupperware model!
Signing off,
Zainal Abidin
No comments:
Post a Comment