"You are just sore that you did not make it the last time!"

Do those words instill fear and evoke penitence from you? If not.. then let me rub my buttcheeks together to imitate the sound that came out from the mouth which said those lines… Yes.. truly FRIGHTENING!
Stumped by the boldness of that comment and wittiness of the one who mouthed it, I had no choice but to nod and agree… Its true im sore… but its only half right.. in fact less than that… Im more sore by the way that he treated me, in fact many people like me before he saw the need for us… Only a bully with authority out on a power trip can force people to do stupid stuff like *actual events - trick an innocent student that the way to treat a cut lip is to suck on a blade of grass in an attempt to attain respect and a 'joker' image in front of the rest… - inadvertently forcing the quartermaster to quit by ordering the poor fella to clean up mud in the toilet… And when there is an obvious need for us, a stready stream of butt-licking occurs…. Which of course is normal everyday fare for the "elite" few which are in favor of his favoritism… How can you not be sore when cronyism takes the place of meritocracy in the selection system… How can you not be sore when you have shed 'blood,sweat and tears'to possess the ability that you have now only to find out ball sucking puts others above you, how ball sucking makes up for the need for innate and trained ability… Sometimes when things are not in logic, when things don't make sense… shouldn't we refrain from blind obedience and speak out whats on our mind? Why should we conform to a fascist mentality? It might be interpreted as a lack of respect on my part but its all honesty and constructive criticism… I don't hate the soccer team… I just hate the system that brings it down year after year… I mean 2nd some years ago(before the "saviour" stepped in) to of insignificant rank last year? It must be flawed right? It just proves 4 things..:- 1) SOME players were plain crap 2)some of the tactics were plain crap 3)degenerative influence by the coach that cant be helped 4)you can imitate the sounds made at the sidelines by rubbing your buttcheeks together.
So, by resorting to nasty jabs in the ribs with that comment, he has substantiated my claim to him being a buttpirate…

The retreat to Johor Bahru Sofitel Palm Resort was fun and a splendid idea if you asked me.. I truly had fun there and much of it was self generated… Playing pranks on unsuspecting 'corridor-dwellers' regardless of which campus they were from and whether we knew them or not.. hah! And that was where the 'Ninja Muscle' was born… Me and Zainal realised our innate superhuman abilites after a tiresome morning of protecting the world from the mat confident type.. Donning the awesome Ninja headgear, we suddenly sprouted six-pack abdominals and toned pectorals.. In stealth we scoured the resort grounds for targets, our well-defined bodies glistening in the dim lighting of the narrow corridors… Careful to avoid Ivan Lim's patrol routes and creeping up to our 'prey' like leopards and striking like cobras… haha… what a way to glorify our immature pranks! Haha… but what matters most is that I , no we..had fun! Creating catchy spontaneous songs during workshops and forcing others to join in the 'doowop'… haha… Getting light -headed from the ninja missions and forced to retire to bed and all…. Ahhh…. Reminiscing about those days will bring giggles upon giggles… and damn… didn't even remember to check out the girls from the other campus… since we were so busy playing pranks on the guys… haha…. Ahhhh….(fading sigh brought about by nostalgi

for all the ppl who led me on... for all who gave me false hope... this is my poetic tribute to you...

search my static existence
for wretched hope
find it only to destroy it
fodder and fuel for your smiling heartbeat

i didnt know i was falling prey to a curse
when i saw your eyes as burning embers
in the darkness of uncertainty
as if it was said in some divine decree

initially liquorice hate as bait
cradled into false solace
then rendered helpless in a state of limbo
denied both heaven and hell, in abysmal sorrow

wait till i collapse from chronic burns
with just passive aggression left from dismemberment
and they say freedom comes from within
but my innate ability breeds corrupt sins

girls are horny.

(legend) general_buttcrack = me , japgerl84 = this girl on mirc ,

general_buttcrack : hi, nak rapatkan silatulrahim? (my new pick up line!)
japgerl84 : oh boleh, asl?
general_buttcrack : 20/m/s'pore
japgerl84 : oh, me 19/f
general_buttcrack : oh, cool... (smooth eh?)
japgerl84 : oh youre so smooth.. (serious..)
japgerl84 : oh, you concept apa?
general_buttcrack : huh? concept? hows that? whaddya mean?
japgerl84 : concept ah... like me, im a jap girl...
general_buttcrack : wat the fuck is that?
japgerl84 : oh, that means im into japanese..
general_buttcrack : oh so youre incorporating popular japanese culture into your style of dressing and appearance? although you're malay and you're not proud of your own culture so, you fake a new identity based on what you think is "cool"?
japgerl84 : duuhhhhh....errr...yeah... so whats your concept?
general_buttcrack : dressing like an ol' fashioned buttcrack?
japgerl84: so that means you dont have a concept ah... eeee kental siiiaaakkkk!!!
general_buttcrack : do i have to have one?
japgerl84 : yah! like duh! i dont talk to budak budak kental ah...

ok... as i was struggling to recover from this bullshit... a lot of stuff raced thru my mind... what the fuck is a fucking japgerl? pardon my language... and it makes me realise i have to leave those 'mat tapereds' alone... cos... you cant comment on what others are wearing unless they are really incongruous and therefore humorous... but why the hell do u come up with a "concept"? Conjuring a "code" to adhere to and being very careful not to deviate from your "concept"... and ive seen 'mat tapereds' sniggering at "untapered" members of the community, at how "uncool" they are compared to the tapered brethren... exactly how japgerl84 saw me as... so now im considered "kental siiiaaakkk!!!"... and i am striving to change that... so.... ive decided to come up with my own concept to conform to society's expectations.... im gonna be a "mak mak"... concept "mak mak" innit ingenius? now, i can hide behind a concept that allows me to be myself... bitter and cynical about teenage society and culture! and i've even came up with my own catch- phrase... it goes something like this... "EH! JANGAN TAK ADA ADAT EH!!!"... seriously... ill take over the world... even "abang-abangs" will bow to me... cos.. im "mak-mak"

one of the "perks" of sharing house space with other siblings means that you'll get to experience the joys of sibling jokes/pranks... here are my favorites... ahh...the good ol' times... sigh...

1. you're watching tv/at the computer... your bro/sis runs in, lets loose a stinker and runs off to let you enjoy the spoils of their last meal... ahhh...
2. ask your bro/sis loudly about that fictional rash on her/his left buttcheek when her/his friends come over... (works best if the boy/girlfriend comes over!)
3. if you have a male brother, frame him for downloading porn on the net... (choose weird porn like doing it with horses or old women with hair on their butts!)
4. one of the more immature ones... when a friend calls... report his/hers most embarassing incidents to them before you pass the phone over...
5. when he/she is chatting online (especially on MSN messenger), wait till he/she needs to get up to go to the loo or fridge... rush in, hijack the com and type in stuff like "the rashes on my buttcheeks are peeling off.... do you think you can help?"
6. claiming you saw them making out with a fictional bangladeshi mutual friend a few blocks away, reporting it to your parents in the straightest face you can hold... then pretending to be emotional about how disappointed you are with them... end with a sigh and fake tear in the eye...
7. draw a moustache/ big mole on their faces when they sleep... then giggle yourself to sleep...
8. write new pages in their diary about how they've noticed dirty-yellow fungi growing on their armpits then show it to everybody... feigning utmost concern for their health...
9. pretend to join them when their friends or girl/boyfriends come over... let loose a fart and frame them for it.. killer line.."damn! this is your fart.. it is so you! i've smelt it before.. you had chicken and broccoli again didnt you!!!" pretend to cry and talk about how you cant take the abuse anymore...
10. (works best for male siblings) plant a stained female undergarment in his schoolbag... wait till your parents or his friends (once again his girlfriend would be perfect) are present... pretend to need something from his bag... bring it into view of everybody... pull out the incriminating evidence and shriek, "eeeee!!! whats this? you pervert!!!"


of course.. you'll always be comforted by the fact that you could be ruining their lives... ahhh... the companionship.... the rewards siblinghood brings... (contented sigh)....

ok, about the phrase "wake up your (fucking) idea!", seriously... its simply disgusting... this is one of the most non-sense making command/motivational cheer-on i've ever heard next to grunting by over-enthusiastic ruggers... its used by NS sergeants and soccer/rugby captains and too frequently at that... its not grammatically correct i say.. but this pig-like ex-rugby player grunted to me that "being grammatically correct is the last thing you think of when you're in the thick of the action!!! *oink!*" but.... if you're going to dish out incoherent commands when the time needs it... isnt it most important if your men understand your command? if they go "what the fuck?!?".. then it defeats all purpose of making that damn instructional order in the first place... how can an idea wake up? errr... i dont think so....

theres no star waiting in the sky, to make living this shit worthwhile... a girl suddenly messaged me and asked me how i was doing... and gradually the conversation moved to the thing(i cant call it a relationship anymore cos according to this other girl, it is only a relationship if she "considered it to be one") we had a few months ago... and now, as opposed to the time we were together, she admitted to having feelings for me... ok thats sweet... but frankly... what the hell? whats the use of it now? whats the use of me doing all i could then to make you feel the same way i do only to see you turn your face away and act like some red-assed baboon on prozac? and now when you've patched things up with your ex, and ive nursed three broken hearts, now, of all the appropriate times, you choose to tell me this? its all bullshit, but i cant deny the fact that its sweet though... haha... so now im supposed to mope around in the corner of my room "wishing how it could have been?"... damn im not gonna do that... and whats with the periodic napalm strikes on me? the latest one says that she doesnt consider it a relationship? just because why? its all lies and her inability to decide anything built the foundation of our "not-considered-a-relationship?" thats simply bullshit... shes the one who asked me if she was my girlfriend, and i replied with ,"errr... duuuhhhhh... i dunno...(at this point of time, my attention was suddenly directed towards a dancing chimp with a party hat)... i think so... duuuhhhh...." remember the times you called me your boyfriend? i have the log files to prove it... yeah im bitter, what am i? a whore? and then they'll laugh and joke about how much of a whore i am, then ill walk around with a visible panty line just so i can... yeah im losing it.. but my anger is real... and before anyone gets angry with me over anything, please verify it with me first... is it something like this? ... *fat-faced, floppy haired platonic bastard: i think ridzal says youre a bitch... snort.. grunt.. *oh-im-so angry and i could bitch about him more now but admitted she loved me once: yah that damn bastard! what the fuck! (sudden twitching because of bullshit brain processing)... i could be wrong... but then again, im being a hypocrite for assuming stuff... ok if i was wrong forgive me, im just relaying the situation as humorously as i can... am i wrong for loving you in the first place? if you're being this cruel to me, im the one who should hate you... stop making it seem as if it were'nt your fault.... and by the way i dont hate you... just the execution of this whole damn break up... theres no harm in talking to me face to face and giving it to me straight in the face, everything there is to it in one big slab delivered right up my arse... ill take it like a man, complete with nonchalant facial expression... think about it... its better than dragging it, telling me periodically about how big an ass i am... what ever there is you dont tell me, i assume, i fill in the blanks... isnt that just human nature to think of what went wrong? hate me for this, but dont hate me for what you've only heard...

i downloaded the song la vie en rose from the jeux d'enfants (love me if you dare) soundtrack and it brought a big smile to my face... it just reminded me of all the happiness a short while ago... i just closed my eyes and collapsed in the recliner chair with a smile fixed on my face even when the song ended, imaginary melodies feeding and accompanying my memories... it is heightened nostalgia that the song brings about... the siginificance of it, the mellow lazy melody and the meloncholia it evokes... all of it making me wish to go back to those days of smiles, happiness and kisses... it is pure romanticism when i imagine myself to be lying on a rooftop, my hand in hers, squinting to keep the sun out of our eyes while looking at the passing clouds... unproductive, yes... pragmatic perception aside, it would mean that much to me... of course, this is far from reality... its just delusional idealism..

Hold me close and hold me fast
The magic spell you cast
This is la vie en rose

When you kiss me heaven sighs
And tho I close my eyes
I see la vie en rose

When you press me to your heart
I’m in a world apart
A world where roses bloom

And when you speak...angels sing from above
Everyday words seem...to turn into love songs

Give your heart and soul to me
And life will always be
La vie en rose

i just spent about 3 hours in the hospital visiting my grandma... i really pity her in her state... and when we had to leave as visiting hours ended, i felt real sad... cos i know the cold and loneliness that comes with being warded... and when i went to the seven eleven with my sister, we got disturbed by a group of malay girls... they went, "bye abang" ahaha... do i have reason to be happy? i doubt so.. but it did bring a chuckle about... hahaha... dont they have somebody better to disturb? or worse for that matter... haha... i read her blog... and she "subtly" accused me of artificial sweetness... ive not been in that many relationships in my life... only three... that are worth a mention... ok now four, including her... and i was speaking the truth when i said i didnt have the feeling before... she was only the second one who has responded with such positivity... it was the truth and i swear upon my life that its true... see... another assumption, another misunderstanding, another denied attempt to explain myself...

something i wrote, inspired by nightwish, a goth band... my gothic sanctuary...

in a gothic sanctuary
there is enough solace to hide behind a smile
a smile filled with loneliness
where it doesnt matter, all the rest
and when i talk, i speak in tongues
you dont understand cos your mind is young
paradoxially, im too tired to sleep
i pierce my own skin with a blade's tip
and when i bleed, crimson fury stains
i lay sprawled on the pavement, as if slain

look into the blank of my mind's eye
and dont say anything, dont even sigh
run your shackles around my brain, do it harm
instead of stressed i lie here charmed
save me the trouble of a proper burial
just leave my soul to slide into a lull
and to quench that insatiable thirst
angels must fall first
in this sanctuary i am the emperor
where ill try to be happy and somehow forget her

yeah, ill try to... looking at how she already has with 'er new one, that replacement...

as a follow through on that last piece.. is beauty more of a curse than a blessing then? in that aspect... i guess its more of a social-booster, people have a better impression of good-looking people rather than not-so-good-looking people... hehe... as a victim of this, i admit that i know how it is when people like you just because you said something nice to them and when u say how they got it all wrong, they accuse you of leading them on... haha... and how every member of the opposite sex you talk to is your new make-out partner and how big a flirt you are... and feeling so violated when you are being ogled at by girls and guys alike.. haha... and how when you walk past a group of people who mainly dont favor you, you get comments like... "dia ingat dia lawar/handsome sangat pe!" haha... seriously guys... people like to pick on you just because you possess beauty, if not in your eyes, then in theirs... and of course... you get thrown into a category with all the other beautiful people.. where you get compared, evoking lines such as.. "eh si dia ni lagi lawar dari si dia tu" when all you want is to fake your way through tertiary education... and how people rush into a relationship with you only to come out scarred when u dont really share their enthusiasm... then u lose their friendship, in extreme cases, "boycotted"... some of them i really do enjoy their company and how they seem to appreciate mine... and if you do, just stay with me... the time between sweet mushy lines such as "you are the best anybody could have" to "i want a break up" is incredibly short... if i dont wanna go official with ya straight away... its not because im just flirting and have other girls on the side... its because yeah it sounds like a damned cliche but love needs to develop from friendship first... and if you force it, i can only be myself, i still treat u as a friend to which im asaulted by these teeth-grinding lines such as.. "then like that for what go steady!" im doing the best i can from what ive learnt... but you dont want that and from the lack of understanding between us, cracks occur and you break away... most probably not even wanting to talk to me... i think it takes a lot of maturity to see things the way i do... and i wont hate you for the break up... i wont go general and hate girls cos of this break up... i wont go GSF(girls schmirls foundation) and denounce the need for them... if you enjoyed my company and humor before... why shouldnt you still enjoy it now? i didnt change... i still wanna spend time with you cos u were something like a best friend... and i respect couples who have broken up and still treat each other right... its cruel and it doesnt make sense that you must be enemies just because it did not work out... we were just so close a minute ago and now youre bad mouthing me to your friends and calling me a jerk or a loser? and then theres the added bonus of making fun of me with your new boyfriend who could also fall victim to the same shit... hahah... think about it... the structure of it all does not make sense to me... but then again... im just an "immature bastard" who "charms girls asses off"... hahahhah... im sorry if i offended anyone... im just stating a point... theres no love lost... cheerios...

the problem with beautiful girls is that they have a lot of self-esteem problems, this makes them insecure and wanna beat the shit out of their boyfriends if they so much as think about other girls... of course this is just my opinion or you might call it hypothesis, coming out of my head filled with nothing else other than paedophilia... haha...
beautiful girls take pride in the way they look, cos thats their money maker... they do everything to enhance or maintain it because they think that its what will make the guy stay and not look for other girls... the stated is only true if the relationship is built upon superficiality...they(most of them anyway) do not really build on their other talents because they are generally contented as they are, blessed by the gods with good genes... so this results in them being proud of nothing else other than their looks... they are incredibly offended when their physical attributes are commented on... they are mainly insecure because they are afraid their boyfriends will find someone better, someone who is more fun to be with, or *gasp* someone more beautiful... they spend all their time worrying about this that they forget that they should remedy the situation by actually treating their boyfriends right for once and cast those unfounded accusations out of sight... and when they or their boyfriends leave them, the first thing they say is that they have no problem finding other guys... no shortage of suitors... the thing is... so i was just a statistic? there is more to relationship than just boasting about how many ex-es you have... im with you because i wanna find love, not so i can boast about "oh i was (insert girl's name here) boyfriend once siiiiaaaakkk!!" they need to be brought down to earth and practise humility... cos the main freaking problem lies with them...
the machiavellian character, Iago in the play Othello said that "the mind is a garden" where you can plant anything such as vegetables for consumption or let it be overrun by weeds... and it is true because you need to pull out these 'weeds' by hand, by yourself to spare others the torment of that quick heartbroken feeling...

something weird happened today, this group of indian "makkals" were playing soccer in school, then when my friends and i appeared on the scene to join them... they suddenly packed up and went home.. hah! this is the same team we beat the last week, i guess we came across as over-confident or even arrogant to them, bullying them on the playing court... so we just kicked around till the track and hockey girls team joined us... haha... it was really fun...then one of the girls said something which gave instant gratification to the calling for appreciation i held for so long... she said... "siak ah... the real talent is here siak.... zal, you deserve to be in the team siak..."... i was so emotional i almost cried... haha... if everybody told me that, there has to be some credibility on my part... when i whine about my rightful place ursurped by the reason that i express my opinions and i dont suck the damned coach's balls! haha.... If i knew sucking balls could make up for a lack of innate ability, i'd have leartn this disgusting art long ago.. haha.. just kidding.. ill always whine about this... sigh... haha... well, i think its true when my ex-girlfriend said that minahs always looked at me.. haha... i was in the mrt when these 3 minahs looked and giggled at me, i could be wrong but i was with my two platonic friends and they saw it too... maybe i quote my ex-girlfren, thats cos i "look like a mat" haha... or maybe i look like someone from anak metropolitan... haha... well i hope its not any of these reasons.. i'd prefer it to be like , "siak ah, budak ni cool gila siak!" hahahhahahaha..... wishful thinking but it never hurts to dream... haha... and oh... i hope shes happier now that shes free from the stress i cause her... and i hope ill be soon now that i dont cause her stress... alrite then, cheerios....

this blog -writing is really catching on with me... like totally... well, i just realised one thing.. writing bits of prose really transfers your emotions elsewhere... i just grab that bit of emotion, whether its anger or grief and convert into creative poetic ammunition... and then i hide them all behind a smile... im so good it hurts... haha... snort snort... things are looking up fer me... i was approached to read out my poetic creations at this valentine's day gig... of course i wont choose my emo scripts... so exciting... sometimes, i think im getting too confident for my own good... i walk with a swagger armed with an obnoxious grin on my face, temporarily rebond my hair and "sound" girls to be my "adik angkat".... haha... imagine that.. it would be the greatest irony if i make fun of all these abang abang CD(civil defence) and then end up there for national service... haha.. i'd rather sit around clapping my hands joining dikir barat! haha... The latest rumor we've started now is that actually me and imran are boyfriends and zainal is my scandal... haha... and me and zai purposely act gay in front of people to reinforce those rumors... the dumb thing is that these people believe it even though its as ridiculous as hell.. haha... my sense of humor is totally extreme i guess... sick even to some people.... maybe thats what made my girlfriend leave me... haha....

caught in a star's trail, i catch fire and get left behind... when i think about it, maybe thats how my situation is... and maybe its my fault for her feeling that way? this girl told me once its hard to love somebody when the person to be loved isnt there.. and thats where ive slipped... and also because of the phone call the last sunday when she wanted to apologise... i recognise the fact of her being a very paranoid and sensitive girl... i should have talked to her but instead i gave her the cold shoulder... but i was feeling really hurt by the fact that she rejected to receive my 99 dollar gift... 99 dollars means i had to work for two to three whole days... and it all comes to nought... i dont have alot of money... so this really hurts... maybe i should have bought my sisters clothes or my mom something she liked... sigh... what am i gonna do with a 99 dollar esprit bag? the memories attached to it hurt too much to let it stay... dangerous assumptions are always made about me... and she accuses me of that... ive a feeling that these baseless assumptions have directly or indirectly fueled this break up to take place... the only good thing to come out of this is to raise my poetic inclinations... a broken heart can propel one to great levels of creativity... but sometimes i wonder if my poetry is good, some people laugh at poet-types.. but i dont write about mushy stuff do i? corny stuff to be laughed at? i can only hope i dont.... so far nobody has commented negatively except for the fact that i have a dark gift... i wish i can be immortal, somebody special, to have inside me blood of kings...

my grandma was sick yesterday night, in the middle of the night, my whole family scrambled there to find her scrambling for breath... Nobody dared to sleep for fear that she would pass on while they had their eyes closed... I was really scared, its one thing to talk about death in poetic verses dipped in black metal rhetoric but its another thing to look at it through someone's eyes, where it is so close... she kept staring at me while i stood in the doorway, i feared she was looking at the angel that would take her away who could have been standing next to me... i really freaked out... This after my girlfriend left me, at this point of time when i needed her... The pain is compounded by the fact that she is treating me like an enemy... she said "you think the world revolves around you" when i asked about her blog entry being about me... I felt that comment being totally unnecessary... It really tears my heart in half to see the person who was just telling me how much she loved me say all these things... Its utterly heartless... sigh... i can only hope that ill be numbed by this treatment soon....

You say you wanna stay by my side
and that you were all mine
in many ways, ill miss what you have to say
and how i cant cope with missing you every day

now here i sit a pathetic whimper of myself
reminiscing about a heaven that turned to hell
as if my wings are clipped in its haste
as if i had wings in the first place
Yeah it hurts to say but I want you to stay
and my mind tries to work to find a way
praises of me, you seem to always sing
They fade my friend, you say the strangest things

i have to hold on to my angst-ridden opinions
and let go, not to be one of hate's minions
cos ive always fell in flight
from the curse of love i cannot hide
i cant hear the wind chimes,
anymore cos it not meant to be, sometimes

i just found out i got pissed over some stuff that wasnt meant for me... now i feel like an idiot... but im still pissed i dun know why... maybe at myself.. some ex-crescent girls talked to me... they warned me about her... they said of how they were worried how i would be hurt... i guess its too late... now im confused... i thought i got over everything... in that forced expulsion of hatred and sadness... but it was based on something that wasnt meant for me... damn... i thought it was no use being sad over something she didnt even regard as significant in her life... something to me was so dear but to her not even near... and my first girlfriend called me... to give me advice on relationships... she sounds so mature now.. so grown up... i didnt know she would be so "semangat" to call.. i guess there are more people who care about me than i originally thought of... she said so many good things about me...she really has a good impression of me... sigh... reminds me of the old days... how she blew me kisses in class only to get caught by the teacher... haha.. shes taking care of her family now, something which im envious of... i wish i could take care of my family too... and that some one too who would appreciate me as much as i did her... and would want to stay with me... she told me not to fall in love too fast... "jangan sayang dia dulu, tunggu sampai dah tau semua perangai dia".. and i replied with "tapi aku dah sayang dia, dia cakap dia sayang aku tapi skarang dia tinggalkan aku"... she paused and said,"kan susah kau dah sayang dia, kau masih muda, cari lah perempuan lain"... i dont get this line... what is it about me and "perempuan lain" or "other girls"? they make it sound as if im the best guy around and girls are lining up to be with me... That i hop from girl to girl like "changing shirts"? Initially, i thought of that to be such a rosy idea... but i would rather have one and stick to her... I'd love to be a casanova type... but im not... sometimes i dont even know what to do with a girl.... everything is spontaneous and ultimately risky and ambiguous... she might or might not like it... sigh.. i really thought she was the one... and im always pretending not to be hurt... but it hurts like burning ember on my flesh... im gonna use three lines from "the strokes-someday" then work a poetic reference to my situation around those lines... "yeah it hurts to say, but i want you to stay.." , "you say you want to stay by my side.." and "they fade my friend, you say the strangest things..."